Im so impatient. I know everything happens in God’s time, I just wish he would hurry up already. Heartache sucks. I asked God to direct my steps. In my prayer time today, that is exactly what he told me that he is doing. But he’s directing them his way not my way. For that I should be grateful, but right now at this moment Im struggling. I’ve learned time and time again that God has a perfect plan. It just sucks having to wait so long for it. It’s Valentines day here…and no…no valentine for me. Its not as commercial here as it is in the states. There are a few stands selling balloons, but its not everywhere like the U.S. that is kind of nice. I guess Im just anxious. Its been four years nearly since I’ve been in a loving normal marital relationship. I miss the TLC and a the security of a spouse. This is sometimes where I think life isn’t fair. I was serving as a missionary and X left me. I was serving God only to lose everything I held dear. Now, Im not blaming X for this…I don’t want to dig up that hornets nest again. Im questioning God. Are you sure you know what you’re doing God? This doesn’t seem fair. But life isn’t supposed to be fair is it. I mean if it wasn’t fair for Christ, why should it be fair for me If Im supposed to live like Christ. Im rambling a bit aren’t i? But that is exactly what the last few days for me have been about, rambling from here to there. I feel like im spiritually bi-polar. I’ve had a 2 x 4 whacked against my head and Im striving to try to find the positive side of that big bump on my head. Well I could say, at least it didn’t hit my legs, or my arms aren’t on fire…but still that whack on the head really hurts no matter how much of a spin that I put on it.
I have to hunker down, as I know time will heal all wounds. Im just tired of having my heart broken. People warn me time and time again to protect my heart, but I don’t want to. Nothing ventured nothing gained. I don’t want to live my life frightened that a little pain might venture my way. If I don’t keep putting my heart out there I might not find the love of my life again. Part of my issue, and my mother will be glad to know that I agree with her, is that I love being in love. So that sometimes clouds my judgment.
So where does that leave me now. I have to get my contentment and peace from God like always. What I’m struggling with (and Im being very transparent again) is do I trust God enough to believe that he’ll do what he says he’ll do. Of course I trust him in the long term, it’s the short term that Im battling right now. Is it sin to question God, to see if he knows what he’s doing? I think that is pretty natural. Now, I know I’ll wake up tomorrow…or the next day or the next and be the world’s greatest optimist again. But right now…it really hurts. Pain goes through cycles. I think its denial-hurt-depression-anger-sorrow. Each time through the cycle the wheel gets a little bit smaller and a little bit smaller until ultimately it goes away. Right now Im going through anger. Its not fair…that Ms. Texas…because she didn’t like the conflict created by X and hubby, ended her relationship with me because of that or so she says. That means X will have gotten to me twice to break my heart. Why can’t I just be done with that side of my life so I can move on? I know God has a plan, but at this point I’m having a hard time seeing it emotionally speaking. Things will all be different tomorrow Im sure…I’ll be back on top. But right now…this sucks. Sorry about the ramble…but you have to take the good with the bad. Im sure by tomorrow everything will be back to normal. Right now…Im grieving.
1 comment:
"But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings as eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint” (Isaiah 40:31)
Post a Comment