Rick Beeman

  4 out of 5 therapists recommend 4 out 5 great days for their patients as opposed to stinking lousy, miserable lonely days.  So that’s a cool way of saying I had another great day.  BTW, the whole “ Four out of five dentists surveyed recommend sugarless gum for their patients who chew gum”, I want to meet that 5th dentist. What was he/she/they thinking? I was actually very happy today because my circumstances dictated as much.  To back that up with peace and joy, it was fabulous all around.  I had the day off for Veteran’s Day.  Thank you Veteran’s.  I had several uncles in World War II (Uncle Bob, Tom, Jack (I think) on my father’s side.  My father was in the ill-fated Bay of Pigs.  I think he was a cook.  I don’t remember him ever cooking at home, but he did man pretty good grill.  He ALWAYS undercooked the steaks because that’s how he liked them. My mother always made him go back to cook them some more.   I did a special vi...

  It was bound to happen eventually.  I knew I couldn’t keep my remarkable (for me) streak of three great days in a row going.  But there is a silver lining.  This still was a pretty good day.  Nothing remarkable or out of the ordinary happened.  Although I’m looking forward to a bonus Veteran’s Day holiday off tomorrow.  So what makes me hopeful and optimistic, is I’m hoping this level is my new normal.  I’m filled with peace and joy today even though nothing really good or great happened.  If I did indeed turn a corner and this is my reality, then I can learn to accept that.  Things of course will get better in the future when circumstances can help dictate happiness. And when I can combine happiness with the foundation of peace and joy….man that is really living.    But If I can keep this baseline of Peace and Joy when nothing is happening, I’ll take that as a win. It sure seems better than the alternative. Being down in the...

  Four good to great days in a row!  That has to be some sort of 2025 record. I’ll take it.  I’m stacking wins so when the depressing days roll in, I’ll have enough joy in bank account to make a withdrawal to see me through for the next time depression hits.  I battled it a bit last night as the “Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood” kicked in.  That just means I really miss my family when they are not around.  But I turned to my faith and cried out to God.  What made it even more challenging (superficial I know) the Raiders lost another heart breaker last night on a failed 2 point conversion try in overtime.  I wish I didn’t root for them but they symbolize my childhood and I’m pretty darn loyal even to my detriment.  It’s funny, all the teams I rooted for as a child from Oakland, Raiders, A’s, and Warriors have all relocated. I can’t blame them too much because I relocated away as well.   One good thing about my situation in be...

  I have often said that I find my true happiness when I put other people needs ahead of my own. While this is great in theory it doesn’t always work in practice. Without Christ we are all flawed and selfish beings.  Even with Christ we have to fight against our sin nature of self-centeredness.  I’m at my most content when I deny self to put God and others first.  This is especially challenging when I am in despair.  But what I’m finding is that in despair is exactly when I need to put other people’s needs ahead of my own.  Maybe that is my pathway to healing to get the focus off of myself.  Feeling sorry for myself has never accomplished anything for myself.  It only digs the pit of despair more to make things worse.  We can always justify when we act or or self-medicate but that never accomplishes anything.  I hope that none of you are interpreting this blog as a means to feel sorry for me.  I do not want or need sympathy.  P...

  I had a very strong impression a few days ago that this was going to be a very tough week. So I was able to prepare for it…or so I thought.  I did blog about this a couple of days ago.  So I had a bad day on Thursday but a surprisingly good day on Friday.  I thought I was out of the woods.  Boy was I wrong.  Yesterday, Saturday was absolutely brutal.  Did anything bad happen to me to make it horrible? no.  There was just a heaviness on me that I could almost feel.  I was filled with fear, depression and doubt.  It just kind of snuck up on me, right after I finished yesterday’s blog post around 8:00pm.  Some people believe in spiritual attacks and some people don’t.  The great line from the Usual Suspects is “The greatest trick the Devil ever did was convince the world he didn’t exist.”  I felt what can only be described as a dark presence all night last night even waking up in the middle of the night to it. Since this is...

  Two good days in a row…awesome. When I say “good” I think I need to explain how the definition of good is entirely subjective.  It’s meaning has changed quickly in my life.  To me “good” days means days that weren’t awful.  I am starting to string a few of these together.  I felt moments of joy return to my life in fleeting moments.  I’ve mentioned before the difference I’m feeling between happiness and joy.  Happiness is circumstantial whereas Joy is not.  Nothing big happened that would cause me to have a great day, but it was satisfying nonetheless.  In the months of darkness and heaviness I’ve experienced in the last year, it was a welcome respite.   Today was a teacher work day.  I was able to Telework so I didn’t have to do my long drive into school.  I also made sure I got all my work done on Saturday and this morning so I could have my afternoon free.  I’m really digging the teaching schedule.  I should...

  I didn’t want to write yesterday. I was having a down day.  I thought, why should I write another “Rick is so lonely” piece.  At one point in life I really thought I was the happiest, most optimistic guy on the planet.  At least that is what I was striving to be.  Yet for the last year I’ve been the opposite of me.  I don’t feel like myself. That is why It’s so foreign to me, this loneliness, depression thing.   I know that this is a temporary phase and I’ll get out of it eventually.  The duration of the depression/loneliness is something that I can’t factor in or control.  I’m trying to make the best of it, and somedays I do.  Yesterday was not one of those days, but today is.  I miss being part of a team,  I miss having a partner, I miss having someone I could be proud of, admire and express my admiration,  I miss tucking my kids in at night and praying with them.  I miss checking on them in the middle of the nigh...

  A strange sensation just swept over me.  It was familiar but I haven’t felt it in awhile.  Nothing out of the ordinary happened to me today.  It was the very definition of routine.  Yet I had a good day.  I’m still alone, I still miss my children, I still miss the family that I used to have, yet it was a good day.  I’ve been wracked by guilt, self-condemnation and loneliness for months now.  I didn’t feel them today.  What is confounding to me is that I have hope or maybe I’ve rediscovered hope. Logic says that I shouldn’t be hopeful because nothing changed from yesterday.    The only thing that I’ve been doing lately is Seeking God first and trusting him for rest.  Today I felt the dividends of that.  I’m not happy.  That much is clear, but today I was ok not being happy.  Today I was OK feeling Peace and Joy.  They seem to go hand in hand.  I must be doing something right.  I’m not one to judge...