Rick Beeman

  I’ve had an abundance of pendulum swinging days this past year. It seems like I’m living the life of extremes from the despair to the hopeful on a daily and sometimes hourly basis.  The swings have been so extreme that at times I feel emotionally bipolar.  Intellectually, I know that God will see me through this.  I know that I’m supposed to live a life reflecting the fruits of the spirit, Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness and Self-control.  I know when I’m living my life right, which I am and plan on continuing to do so, I will exhibit those traits in my life on a consistent basis in the future.  No where on that list is loneliness, depression, despair, hopelessness which I sometimes experience.  So I know those emotions/feelings are not from God. I have to trudge through until the real fruits re-emerge which they invariably will and have at many times these past few months.  So I asked Chat GPT if I was crazy.  Th...

  I figured today would be better and it certainly was. I just need to anticipate the horrible days and incorporate them into my routine as part of the recovery process.  I’m thankful that these horrible days are becoming fewer and far between.  I’m grateful to be making significant psychological progress.  6 months ago it was 6 and ½ horrible days and a ½ decent day.  Then it switched to 5 horrible days and 2 decent ones.  The closer I got to chasing God the more the horrible days inverted with the good days.  I’m thankful that I’m up to 5 good days to every 2 bad days now.  I aim to keep the streak headed in the right direction.  The positive part for me is that the good days are NOT dictated by circumstance.  Thus they are more achievable with consistency.  The thing I’m doing is “Seeking God with all my heart, soul and mind” on a continuous basis.   All these things are slowly being added unto me.   Today was a ve...

  I should have seen this coming.  I tried to prepare myself even.  But today I’m just so discouraged.  Perhaps its because I had such a wonderful weekend.  I mean it was a spectacular weekend with my girls coming on the heels of feeling hopeful and optimistic that my life may have finally turned around.  I remember an old sermon from TD Jakes that I heard exhorting, “Don’t let your highs get too high or your lows get too low.”  I leaned into my highs because it just felt so good being a kind of family this weekend.  Now I’m facing the consequence of the emotional bounce back the opposite way.  Maybe I should work on not letting my lows get too low again.   Nothing consequential happened to me today either way.  Maybe its simply because I miss my girls.  Their absence reminds me that I’m alone without a full time family. If you do have a family, cherish them.  I thought I was doing that but apparently I was doing it t...

  It’s confounding.  I am so filled with hope right now.  Yet nothing really out of the ordinary happened in the physical realm to warrant that hope.  In fact, I’m in the same situation as I was in May when I was at the very bottom filled with despair.  The only thing I can really attribute it to is my faith.  I’ve mentioned before that there is nothing really I can do to fix my situation.  The only thing I know to do is to “Seek God first and All these things will be added unto you.” So that’s what I’ve been doing, Seeking God at every opportunity.  While my situation on the outside doesn’t seem to have changed,  the internal side of has changed.  I really can’t explain it.  Maybe that’s why they say it’s the Peace that passes all understanding because it makes no sense.   I should be just as miserable as I was before but for some reason I’m not.  The only thing that I can reason is that God is faithful.  The cr...

It is so strange, bizarre and exhilarating what is happening to me. I am actually noticing it in real time.  I’m being transformed.  Now I’ve prayed, prayed and prayed to God to do certain things.  I was quite specific and insistent on the exact details of my prayers.  I told God exactly what I wanted Him to do and when.  And I kept praying and praying and praying.  There are always three ways that God ALWAYS answers prayers.  Yes, No, and not yet.  This has been true of my life time and time again.  What He also revealed to me is that God can change my heart.  I prayed for two to three solid years for God to restore my first marriage.  I prayed fervently and passionately.  The good part is that the more I prayed to closer I got to God.  Then the revelation hit.  God hit me with a No to my prayer but with a caveat I later found out.  It was No (because I have something better for you).  I just didn’t realize...

  I think the realization hit me sometime this weekend. I believe it was Saturday night specifically as I went for a late workout.  It might not seem like a big deal in the overall scheme of things but considering where I was for most of this past year it is significant to me.  I realized, I like my life.   Does that mean I’m over the loss of my family or miss them any less?  Absolutely not.  But considering how I’ve given myself over to my faith and am just focusing on what I can control, I would say I have it pretty good right now.  Could it be better with someone to love me and for me to love someone?  Another absolute yes. Life can always be better and it can always be worse. The key is finding the contentment in the present.  I’ve come to grips with this season and I am supposed to be alone right now.  I still pray desperately for my family.  I know I am supposed to wait on God.  I know I’m supposed to learn to wholly rely...

  I had a different yet totally fulfilling day. I was tempted to feel guilty for doing whatever I want but that is the position in which I find myself.  I spent most of my adult life trying to figure out what to do for the best of the group/unit and then trying to make the best of it.  Now I find myself just needing to be concerned with one.  I wish it were different.  I’m starting to embrace my new identity of being single albeit reluctantly single.  I should say in my singleness I’m leaning into my faith in God like never before.  While I’m alone I’m increasingly less lonely.  While I do miss the companionship of a spouse and the presence of my kids I’m learning to be at peace at all times.  The hard part for me in being alone is that I will always believe it is best for the children to be reared in a two parent home with their mom and dad.  So I find myself with guilt in not being able to provide that stable foundation for my own chil...

  Certain days I’m confident and full of hope.  Other days I’m not.  I really have no idea what my life will look like in five years.  I can see a number of different scenarios playing out.  Sometimes this uncertainty drives me bananas.  I don’t like being out of control.  Yet at this moment the only thing I can control is how I respond to things I can’t control.  Sound confusing?  Welcome to my life.  I do know this.  My hope is not in anyone or any job.  My hope is solely in the Lord at this moment. Now if I would have had this mindset all along I could have saved myself a lot grief and heartache.  It’s a shame that I had to lose everything nearly hitting rock bottom emotionally and psychologically for me to resolidify my spiritual walk. My spiritual walk goes in stages similar to the cycles where the children of Israel went through when they were wandering around in the desert.     I’m happy that God finally g...

  Going to the dentist just made my day great. I know that seems a bit weird but hear me out.  My wife called me earlier today to ask if I could take our oldest to a Dentist appointment.  I quickly agreed.  I had been planning on going to the gym but this certainly took priority. I was due for a rest day anyway.    This was an excuse/bonus to see my daughter again.  I am starting to appreciate all the little things I either took for granted or discounted before.  I know I should have cherished this time before but life and complacency got in the way.  Now each moment I get to spend with my kids is a blessing because of the disparity of visitation.   I don’t want to lose this point of view again. It’s kind of like when you are enjoying a bowlful of popcorn or candy. Once you get to the last few remaining pieces you start to savor them more instead of just shoveling them in your mouth.  Why is that?   I think because you know the...

  I feel like I’m on an emotional pendulum.  Today was a good day.  I had hope.  It was totally opposite of yesterday.  I think that I might not be stable with all the swings going back and forth with my psyche.  The good thing is that I’m internalizing this.  The only place I’m sharing my feelings is through this forum and with my therapists. Yes that is plural. I’m reaching out to many people wiser than me as I navigate the treacherous waters of despair, hope and joy.    I’m writing this blog for a couple of reasons.  1. Most importantly it’s good therapy for me.  I enjoy being able to write and be creative.  This gives me the most fulfillment.  That is why I wanted to become a writer in the first place. Other than my family and my faith, the greatest joy I I get in life is inspiring others through my creativity.    Yet it is so difficult to make a living as an artist thus I’m a teacher as my day job and I...

  I had such a wonderful time with my girls this past weekend.  It’s been a few days since I blogged because I was trying to keep my focus and every minute of my day on them. I don’t have them as much as i’d like so each moment with them is precious.   We didn’t really do anything either.  I think we just enjoyed each other’s company.  I always have a bit of a downer whenever they go back home but this is a little different.  This is my new reality.  I just have to learn to accept it.  There is nothing I can do to fix this situation.  The only thing I can do is make it worse.  I’ve been taking the necessary steps in self-development and discovery to ensure that backwards steps don’t happen.  I am blessed with three remarkable girls that each are absolutely unique.  It’s pretty amazing how ideal they all are.  I am so very proud of them.  What sucks about this whole situation is that they are the victims in this (as al...

  Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I wasn’t really looking forward to the holidays.  In fact I was kind of dreading it.  I’m not a big fan of winter, especially this year.  Winter to me always symbolized cold and death.  I know that’s pretty dark.  Even in the old days for the cold days, I used to be able to look forward to cuddling up on the couch in front of the fire staying warm.  The cold symbolized an excuse to get cozy with a loved one in a romantic sense. That was the main thing I liked about the winter holidays.  That option is off the table for me right now.  Right now the cold is a reminder to me that I’m alone.  That said, I’m walking through this season with hope and faith that God has a plan.  My hope is in the Lord.   I’ve had a really nice couple of days.  I feel hope again.  Not that anything changed but I know that life has good things to offer.  My youngest son from my first marriage came to sp...