Rick Beeman

  I was getting tired of writing about downer days.  I’m sure you were probably tired of reading about them as well.  I had like three bad days in a row.  Now nothing overtly negative happened to me those days.  It’s just that my “Hope” meter was on empty.  I know intellectually that my Hope comes from the Lord and that He is always faithful but that doesn’t help with the immediate loneliness and despair that periodically hits. The enemy knows this and is trying to keep me down.    Hope comes in waves and I was bereft of any sort of tide coming my way.  I know what I need to do.  Just like I did last night, put my head down and get through it.  I used to be a distance runner.  I was never fast, in fact I was pretty slow with short legs/strides, but I could run for miles.  It was the endurance that I was good at.  (I’m paying the price for that today with no cartilage in my arthritic knees but at least I have four mara...

  I had a really nice day today. It was an encouragement for the last couple of days where I was a bit down.  I realize I just have to suck it up during the bad days and survive.  This is my new normal.  I just have to consider the days with the children as bonus days.  They always lift my spirits.  It started yesterday.  Because I didn’t have my kids I got to go see a movie.  I love going to movies and actually prefer seeing them on my own.  I splurged a bit on myself and joined AMC’s movies A-list where for $23 a month I can see up to 3 movies a week.(not a paid endorser for AMC but I should be).  To make this work financially I need to see at least 1.5 movies a week.  I’ve been able to do that for the most part.  I do have a lot more time on my hands being alone.  So yesterday I was able to see a Norwegian movie, Sisu 2.  I didn’t feel like I had to pay for it since It’s a part of my package.  So I’m able to s...

I learned something about myself today that might seem obvious to most of you.  Maybe it should seem obvious to me but I'm a slow learner.  Yesterday was a down day for me.  I couldn't really explain it because nothing inconsequential happened or at least nothing really bad happened.  So why was I down.  Upon reflection today I think I figured it out.  I had a really great week last week.  I just strung together a bunch of good to great days and I rode that wave of emotional elation as long as I could.  Yet I fell off the board yesterday and I couldn't figure out why.  I was just down.  But then it hit me.  I think I might have fooled myself a bit.  Thinking that I had seven great days in a row maybe I thought I was over my pain/loneliness and it would mostly be rainbows, puppy dogs and sunshine from here on out.  Oh, I was a bit wrong.  While I am an eternal optimist I now realize how inaccurate those feelings of min...

  I”m out of routine right now but all for good reasons. There are a few different things I am trying to habitually do to keep myself healthy.  I’ve admitted on this blog that I have an addictive personality (including Love addiction which I’m learning a lot about right now) I think I have it because of ADD and other factors.  So to combat this I am trying to get addicted to healthy things.  Usually this is good for me.  So some of the things I’m trying to do every day:  Daily Bible reading, prayer on my way to work in my car, Lots of praise/worship throughout the day, exercise 5-6 days a week, meeting with men that will lift me up and strengthen my spiritual walk and sobriety and writing in this blog/journaling, So I have been out of routine when I have my girls.  I drop all my single habits and focus on maximizing my time with my children.  So when they are around I usually skip the gym. It has been a couple of days since I’ve gone and exercised...

  HOPE, a seemingly simple four letter word that is just as important as oxygen for us to live. Where would be without Hope.  I know I’ve spent the majority of the last year without hope.  Seemingly my life as I knew it ceased to exist and there didn’t seem like much hope for the future.  Without Hope, I simply felt despair.  But I have the unique vantage point of experience.  I have been through this type of desolation before, even worse probably in some aspects not as bad in others.  There was a time in 2009 in the midst of my divorce that I seriously considered that I would NEVER be happy ever again.  I rationalized that my new normal would be filled with pain, loneliness and solitude.  I would simply have to learn to live with the emotional and psychological hell on earth.  The moments I went through some 20 years ago give me a chill when I think about it.  If I were to recount some of the horrific details you would shudder....

  The more and more time that passes the more I am accepting of my reality that this is my new normal. Does that mean I’m happy about it?  Heck No!  But with acceptance that I cannot change my reality comes peace.  Perhaps I’m over the grieving phase of my loss moving directly into the acceptance phase.  The five stages of grief if I need to remind you (I had to remind myself): The five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I went through the first four kicking and screaming.  Now I’m rounding into acceptance and I was tested on it today.  I had a great week.  Even a fabulous week.  Did I win the lottery, reconcile? Or get a promotion?  No, what made it a fabulous week was simply my attitude.  Something that was entirely in my control.  Event wise it was a fairly non-chalant week.  I did have my daughters to look forward to this weekend so that always helps.  But the weekend did not quite go a...

  Throughout this whole solitude thing I’ve had a lot of time for self-reflection and a whole lot of time in therapy. I’ve grown through the angst.  I have also come up with a lot of realizations about myself.  For those that know me best it’s quite obvious.  Amongst many other things is that I have an addictive personality.  That means it’s really easy for me to get hooked on processes as I search for a dopamine rush for a dopamine deficiency.  According to our friends at Chat GPT this is the definition of Dopamine: Dopamine is a neurotransmitter —a chemical messenger in the brain—that helps regulate movement, motivation, reward, and mood .  When something feels enjoyable or motivating, dopamine is one of the key chemicals involved. It also plays important roles in learning, attention, and controlling voluntary movement. I have a predisposition for addictive behavior because of my ADD.  My running joke is that I used to have ADHD but I got too o...

  It’s another good day.  This is starting to be the trend.  Again, nothing out of the ordinary happened to me today.  But nothing bad happened today either.  I think it is just a matter of me accepting my reality of being alone.  I can’t do anything in my power to change anything at the moment.  The only thing I can control is how I respond to it.  At first the grief, despair and solitude were quite overwhelming.  Those emotions are still there but I’m responding differently.  I believe it has largely to do with my faith.  I’m just trusting God through all of this.  I know it sounds cliche but I can’t look at 8 months from now and wonder what is going to happen.  I can only look at tomorrow.  I have no idea what the future will hold.  I continue to pray but God doesn’t always answer my prayers in the manner in which I ask.  It’s either Yes, No, or not yet.  It’s the “not yet” that is the hard part....

  It was bound to happen eventually.  I knew I couldn’t keep my remarkable (for me) streak of three great days in a row going.  But there is a silver lining.  This still was a pretty good day.  Nothing remarkable or out of the ordinary happened.  Although I’m looking forward to a bonus Veteran’s Day holiday off tomorrow.  So what makes me hopeful and optimistic, is I’m hoping this level is my new normal.  I’m filled with peace and joy today even though nothing really good or great happened.  If I did indeed turn a corner and this is my reality, then I can learn to accept that.  Things of course will get better in the future when circumstances can help dictate happiness. And when I can combine happiness with the foundation of peace and joy….man that is really living.    But If I can keep this baseline of Peace and Joy when nothing is happening, I’ll take that as a win. It sure seems better than the alternative. Being down in the...

  I feel as if I am in a spiritual and psychological battle with an In his prime Mike Tyson. I’m trying to withstand the heavy blows. This morning I woke up with such a heaviness that was pretty inexplicable.  I make a habit of the first thing that comes out of my mouth (outloud) after the alarm bell rings is “This is the day the Lord has made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it.”  Its a good way to start out the day.  Since I’m alone most of the time I just talk out loud to God like someone you are having a conversation with.  It’s not awkward when you are by yourself.  I’m also quite honest with Him.  Like God I don’t like this…or God I’m lonely…or God I need hope.  I also throw in a lot of praise and thanksgiving in order to balance it out.  Sometimes God answers in pretty cool ways, often times he does not.  That’s the time where there is one set of footprints in the sand. iykyk This morning on my commute into work I just felt th...

  A funny thing happened to me today. At least I thought it was funny and I laughed.  So that’s a good sign.  It was raining outside and I came in and hung up my raincoat.  Right next to the coat, I put on my light Warriors sweat coat because it was more comfortable (Picture below). Then I ran upstairs to take off my sneakers and put on my slippers.    I was just about to blog about what a nice beautiful day it was for me then it hit me.  I wasn’t going to mention anything about a neighborhood and I don’t have a toy train running through my town home.  However, I do have several puppets scattered throughout my home.   Does this mean that I’m officially old now?  Or have I just become Mr. Rogers?  Upon further investigation Mr. Rogers never mentioned his wife on the show so he also seemed to be single on air. (He occasionally mentioned his wife in interviews outside of the show but never on the show.).   As far as children on th...