Rick Beeman

  Is it possible to have a good week and a horrible week at the same time? Is it possible to filled with grief/dread while also being filled with Hope simultaneously. Sometimes I am a living, breathing, walking dichotomy.  I feel as if I’m a locomotive riding the rail of sorrow on my left and and a rail of peace on my right.  It doesn’t make any sense.  It’s been a very difficult week but I’m trying not to over react.  Some people have questioned my motives in writing this blog.  I’m not trying to elicit sympathy nor am I trying to win in the court of opinion. It reminds me of when I wrote in the original iteration of this blog when I lived in Bahrain.  I had a reader that started disputing my notions of God.  So we went to Fuddrucker’s to meet and talk.  Instead of an argument of who is the true God Allah or Jehovah, I instead talked about what is wrong with me and what is right with my God.  This so disarmed him that he started regular...

  It has been a really hard week/month/year. I mentioned yesterday about the Spiritual Novocaine that has sustained my peace through a very trying time.  I’m still trying to balance hope amidst the growing reality that encompasses me.  It’s a delicate balance to keep my hopes up while not getting my hopes too far up.  Seems confusing?  Welcome to my life.  I’ve been so disappointed in my own actions which in part led to my present circumstances.  So I guess I’m trying to protect myself from even more disappointments.  I’m hoping this is rock bottom.  I just am loathe to discover if there are any sublevels to rock bottom.  I remember going through my first divorce.  Every time I thought I hit rock bottom there were still a few more sub-levels which I stumbled to.  The difference this time, instead of praying for restoration, which I am, I am instead focusing my prayers on seeking God at every opportunity.  My faith is wholl...

  By all accounts I should be an absolute mess right now.  Perhaps tomorrow I will be.  But for today, I’m filled with such an uneasy peace that doesn’t really make much logical sense.  It has been an incredibly difficult week emotionally speaking.  My greatest fear in life is happening right before my eyes.  It’s like a slow moving car crash that I’m unable to do anything about as much as I try.  If I would have been in this position just six months ago, I probably would’ve needed some type of anti-depression medication just to survive.  For now, the sense of unease is palatable because at this point it seemingly seems unavoidable.  My wife and I are in the process of separating all of our shared accounts, divesting financially and socially of our all our family connections, assets come next.  Think of getting off netflix, insurance, phone plans.  So this separation is getting real.  It went from Theoretical to Practical this ...

  I’ve had an abundance of pendulum swinging days this past year. It seems like I’m living the life of extremes from the despair to the hopeful on a daily and sometimes hourly basis.  The swings have been so extreme that at times I feel emotionally bipolar.  Intellectually, I know that God will see me through this.  I know that I’m supposed to live a life reflecting the fruits of the spirit, Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness and Self-control.  I know when I’m living my life right, which I am and plan on continuing to do so, I will exhibit those traits in my life on a consistent basis in the future.  No where on that list is loneliness, depression, despair, hopelessness which I sometimes experience.  So I know those emotions/feelings are not from God. I have to trudge through until the real fruits re-emerge which they invariably will and have at many times these past few months.  So I asked Chat GPT if I was crazy.  Th...

  I figured today would be better and it certainly was. I just need to anticipate the horrible days and incorporate them into my routine as part of the recovery process.  I’m thankful that these horrible days are becoming fewer and far between.  I’m grateful to be making significant psychological progress.  6 months ago it was 6 and ½ horrible days and a ½ decent day.  Then it switched to 5 horrible days and 2 decent ones.  The closer I got to chasing God the more the horrible days inverted with the good days.  I’m thankful that I’m up to 5 good days to every 2 bad days now.  I aim to keep the streak headed in the right direction.  The positive part for me is that the good days are NOT dictated by circumstance.  Thus they are more achievable with consistency.  The thing I’m doing is “Seeking God with all my heart, soul and mind” on a continuous basis.   All these things are slowly being added unto me.   Today was a ve...

  What a wonderful last few days it has been. I’ve trying not to be obsessive or addicted to writing in this blog.  I am a creature of habit and like doing things in a routine, as long as it stays healthy.  When it wasn’t conducive to write, I chalked  it up to having my priorities in the right place.  I had my girls this past weekend and it was absolutely wonderful.  I love spending time with them so much.  I’m sure to value and cherish each moment I have with them as the time is so limited.   One of things my youngest loves to do is go to the playground by my townhouse.  It’s a small little part which is fenced in.  So we take the dog with us even though the sign tells us not to do so.  We seemingly are the only ones that use the park and we always pick up after the dog, so I’m willing to challenge that rule.  But this time, surprisingly enough, all three girls wanted to go to the  playground.  I mean, I had a ...

  It’s confounding.  I am so filled with hope right now.  Yet nothing really out of the ordinary happened in the physical realm to warrant that hope.  In fact, I’m in the same situation as I was in May when I was at the very bottom filled with despair.  The only thing I can really attribute it to is my faith.  I’ve mentioned before that there is nothing really I can do to fix my situation.  The only thing I know to do is to “Seek God first and All these things will be added unto you.” So that’s what I’ve been doing, Seeking God at every opportunity.  While my situation on the outside doesn’t seem to have changed,  the internal side of has changed.  I really can’t explain it.  Maybe that’s why they say it’s the Peace that passes all understanding because it makes no sense.   I should be just as miserable as I was before but for some reason I’m not.  The only thing that I can reason is that God is faithful.  The cr...

It is so strange, bizarre and exhilarating what is happening to me. I am actually noticing it in real time.  I’m being transformed.  Now I’ve prayed, prayed and prayed to God to do certain things.  I was quite specific and insistent on the exact details of my prayers.  I told God exactly what I wanted Him to do and when.  And I kept praying and praying and praying.  There are always three ways that God ALWAYS answers prayers.  Yes, No, and not yet.  This has been true of my life time and time again.  What He also revealed to me is that God can change my heart.  I prayed for two to three solid years for God to restore my first marriage.  I prayed fervently and passionately.  The good part is that the more I prayed to closer I got to God.  Then the revelation hit.  God hit me with a No to my prayer but with a caveat I later found out.  It was No (because I have something better for you).  I just didn’t realize...

  I think the realization hit me sometime this weekend. I believe it was Saturday night specifically as I went for a late workout.  It might not seem like a big deal in the overall scheme of things but considering where I was for most of this past year it is significant to me.  I realized, I like my life.   Does that mean I’m over the loss of my family or miss them any less?  Absolutely not.  But considering how I’ve given myself over to my faith and am just focusing on what I can control, I would say I have it pretty good right now.  Could it be better with someone to love me and for me to love someone?  Another absolute yes. Life can always be better and it can always be worse. The key is finding the contentment in the present.  I’ve come to grips with this season and I am supposed to be alone right now.  I still pray desperately for my family.  I know I am supposed to wait on God.  I know I’m supposed to learn to wholly rely...

  Certain days I’m confident and full of hope.  Other days I’m not.  I really have no idea what my life will look like in five years.  I can see a number of different scenarios playing out.  Sometimes this uncertainty drives me bananas.  I don’t like being out of control.  Yet at this moment the only thing I can control is how I respond to things I can’t control.  Sound confusing?  Welcome to my life.  I do know this.  My hope is not in anyone or any job.  My hope is solely in the Lord at this moment. Now if I would have had this mindset all along I could have saved myself a lot grief and heartache.  It’s a shame that I had to lose everything nearly hitting rock bottom emotionally and psychologically for me to resolidify my spiritual walk. My spiritual walk goes in stages similar to the cycles where the children of Israel went through when they were wandering around in the desert.     I’m happy that God finally g...

  Going to the dentist just made my day great. I know that seems a bit weird but hear me out.  My wife called me earlier today to ask if I could take our oldest to a Dentist appointment.  I quickly agreed.  I had been planning on going to the gym but this certainly took priority. I was due for a rest day anyway.    This was an excuse/bonus to see my daughter again.  I am starting to appreciate all the little things I either took for granted or discounted before.  I know I should have cherished this time before but life and complacency got in the way.  Now each moment I get to spend with my kids is a blessing because of the disparity of visitation.   I don’t want to lose this point of view again. It’s kind of like when you are enjoying a bowlful of popcorn or candy. Once you get to the last few remaining pieces you start to savor them more instead of just shoveling them in your mouth.  Why is that?   I think because you know the...

  I feel like I’m on an emotional pendulum.  Today was a good day.  I had hope.  It was totally opposite of yesterday.  I think that I might not be stable with all the swings going back and forth with my psyche.  The good thing is that I’m internalizing this.  The only place I’m sharing my feelings is through this forum and with my therapists. Yes that is plural. I’m reaching out to many people wiser than me as I navigate the treacherous waters of despair, hope and joy.    I’m writing this blog for a couple of reasons.  1. Most importantly it’s good therapy for me.  I enjoy being able to write and be creative.  This gives me the most fulfillment.  That is why I wanted to become a writer in the first place. Other than my family and my faith, the greatest joy I I get in life is inspiring others through my creativity.    Yet it is so difficult to make a living as an artist thus I’m a teacher as my day job and I...