The Rails of comfort and discontent

 Is it possible to have a good week and a horrible week at the same time? Is it possible to filled with grief/dread while also being filled with Hope simultaneously. Sometimes I am a living, breathing, walking dichotomy.  I feel as if I’m a locomotive riding the rail of sorrow on my left and and a rail of peace on my right.  It doesn’t make any sense.  It’s been a very difficult week but I’m trying not to over react.  Some people have questioned my motives in writing this blog.  I’m not trying to elicit sympathy nor am I trying to win in the court of opinion. It reminds me of when I wrote in the original iteration of this blog when I lived in Bahrain.  I had a reader that started disputing my notions of God.  So we went to Fuddrucker’s to meet and talk.  Instead of an argument of who is the true God Allah or Jehovah, I instead talked about what is wrong with me and what is right with my God.  This so disarmed him that he started regularly attending my Bible Study/meeting of faiths.  That’s what I am trying to do here.  I am a flawed individual that has made plenty of mistakes.  But if God’s grace can reach someone as mistake ridden as me certainly He can reach others through my story as well.  I hope this encourages some of you. 

Of course I want to be liked but other people’s opinion of me is none of my business.  I’m not writing this to puff myself up nor try to make anyone else look bad.  This is my journey and walk with God and some people might be encouraged by that.  That compels me to keep going because I love to write.  My late uncle Tim used to have a phrase that drove me crazy.  He was always spouting out about his philosophies.  He was an interesting and complex man.  He lived a wild life but returned to his faith in the last years of his life.  Uncle Tim would always say “We live to be right.”  I would argue and then we’d go round and round and not get anywhere.  While I can understand that point of view now, I’m not interested in it.  I don’t care if I’m right.  I care now about being righteous not right.  

This has been an interesting week and we’re only halfway through.  I haven’t written in awhile because I’m trying not to be obsessive or addicted to the process.  I do have an addictive personality.  I think this is in part due to my ADD.  So sometimes I feel the need to write to get that small dopamine hit of accomplishing something.  However, when I’m with my girls like I was this past weekend, all my attention and energy is on them since I have them so little these days.  I want to invest every second in them and it’s working.  This is me getting my priorities straight.  Still I miss connecting with an audience.  I love when I hear back from some of you…mainly my sister Kristen.  We have these weird games we play.  In times past we thought it was hilarious if we would spoil the ending of popular movies or TV shows with each other.  I think it all started when Dana C. in the 80s informed us that Darth Vader was Luke’s father before we had a chance to see Empire Strikes Back.  Now it seems we try to one up each other by informing the other with which celebrity died first.  It’s macabre but it’s a competition.  Kristen and I have a weird relationship like that.  But I do know that she loves and supports me.  Right now, that is so needed.  My family has really rallied around the struggles that I am experiencing.  They aren’t really interested in who did what to whom and when.  They just know I’m hurting and it’s a great reservoir of support.  

This week has been good.  Emotionally not so good.  It’s finals week and special testing (EOC).  So there is not much to do except proctor tests or in my case be the Hall Monitor.  All that and we get finished at 12 or 1 for early dismissal.  Im getting so much work done.  Being productive is great therapy for me right now.   I’m liking this teacher schedule.  I’m also liking the job fulfillment I’m getting out of it.  The classroom is my mission field.  But being in a public arena I have to be sure to preach the Gospel always, when necessary using words.  In other words I let my life do the talking and only break out the “J” word when necessary.  I’ve found you can talk about God all day long but people get on edge when you mention the name of Jesus.  It was like that in Hollywood too.  

On another note, I have a bad knee.  I got it from the years of distance running and arthritis.  I get that as a hereditary gift from my mom’s side of the family.  So I signed up for a clinical trial.  I don’t mind being a Guinea Pig.  You get free service and sometimes even a stipend to boot.  So I went in for a different type of procedure on Monday.  They made a small incision in my left groin area then weaved a small catheter tube through my femoral artery to my right knee (essentially crossing my body)  It’s called Genicular Artery Embolization.  Gel is then inserted in the knee with the goal of reducing inflammation and pain in knee osteoarthritis by decreasing excess blood flow.  So I was awake the entire time and even watched the procedure on a X-Ray monitor as the doctor performed it.  IThe technology fascinates me.    My knee feels better 2 days after the surgery but I’m still a bit sore.  I’m hopeful that this will work.  I’ve come to grips with most likely never being able to run again.  But I would like to ride bikes with my kids or the stationary bike at the gym.  My knees won’t allow me to do that anymore.  

I’m learning about myself as I navigate the separation/being single process again.  I’m not overreacting to the bad days.  Instead I’m just withstanding them.  In a sense I’m holding my breath trying to endure to the next day.  My main weapons in this fight are unconventional, prayer, lots of sleep and watching movies.  Other than prayer, I realize that movies are not a long term solution but it gets me through the day.  Im thankful that I have work that I enjoy.  Im also thankful that I’m busy working 50-60 hours a week, happily.  I’m also very thankful that I can see my girls every other weekend and sometimes during the week. It’s all about focusing on the blessings.    I’m dropping Piper off for an appointment and waiting for her in the lobby as I write this.  When I drop her off I will only have spent about 20 minutes with her today but it’s 20 more minutes that I spent with her yesterday.  The positivity and focus on the good things add up after awhile no matter how small the things seem to be.   I feel better after writing this.  This is good therapy.  Oh yeah, because of my knee procedure I can’t do anything strenuous for a week or so.  So hitting the gym for exercise therapy is out for me right now.  Im holding my breath.  Next week/tomorrow/next month will be better because God is faithful even though I am often times not.  Thank you for participating in this journey with me.  My prayer is that you are encouraged and your walk with God is strengthened no matter what you are going through right now.