A tsunami of grief followed by the dawn of a new day.

 Yesterday was a really bad day for me.  The grief seems to come in waves and yesterday was a Tsunami.  I deliberately did not want to write because who wants to read more about me crying in my keyboard. (Apparently I have several readers from the Netherlands that do,  I don’t know how this gets all over the world but I’m thankful)  I had been having a lot of hopeful yet even happy days recently.  But yesterday the separation/divorce escalated from theoretical to more practical. It’s becoming more of a sad reality even though I’m constantly praying for miracles to occur.   It shook me to me core as I don’t want this.  I don’t want any of it.  But my vote no longer counts.  One person in this marriage knows this is a really bad idea and the other person doesn’t know it yet but will someday.  So I did the only thing I know to do that works.  I waited.  Then I prayed.  I praised God.  It didn’t fix my attitude or despair right away.  But getting a good night's sleep was next.  Looking for the silver linings the next day and time.  Time heals all wounds and this gaping open wound will heal itself eventually.  

The day yesterday was pretty awful.  So I figured I’d count my losses and go to bed early.  Yet even asleep I kept waking up with mild panic attacks.  This happened about four different times in the night.  Finally on the third one I finally figured that I must be under spiritual attack.  The entire day was relentless with despair and anguish.  My heart would race and I would be startled awake each time.  I mention the no good, horrible day not for you to feel sorry for me but as a way to illustrate the spiritual resilience that God calls us to and God’s faithfulness.  

As I write this I feel like a completely different person than the one I was merely 24 hours ago.  I’m at peace, I have hope, I have faith, and I’m excited about the future again.  Did anything out of the ordinary happen to cause this change?  No.  It was just another ordinary day.  I went to school. I actually really like going to work now.  My students are so responsible in taking leadership and initiative in a lot of ways. It makes my life so much easier.    We both have established a spirit of pride in broadcast and that spirit is contagious.  I’m getting very attached to my seniors who will be leaving soon.  But there will be another group behind them to take their place.  I’m really surprised how much job satisfaction I’m getting by being a teacher.  Then again, I got a lot of job satisfaction when I was delivering pizzas or parking cars, really any job I’ve ever had. Oh side note…My middle daughter got case in a musical Newsies.  I’m quick to tell her I was one of the last Newsies in the US.  That’s probably not true, but in 1981 I stood outside the BART (Subway) station every afternoon at 12-13 years old trying to sell newspapers.  The late Dennis Richmond (a popular TV News anchor on KTVU in the 80s) Bought a paper from me everyday.  So I might not have been the last newsy but I was one of the last.  

After school I went to treat myself.  I skipped lunch and had an early dinner at Alamo Draft House and watched a Korean movie. I love watching foreign films.  Not only are you entertained but you get to learn more about foreign people and culture.   Burger, popcorn, water and entertainment.  It wound up being a very good day on the heels of a very bad day.  In the evening I enjoyed watching the Semi-final championship trying to figure out which quarterback the Raiders will pick with the number one draft pick.  I hope they don’t screw this one up, but I’m in the Mendoza camp now.  So Im headed to bed early again.  It worked yesterday, so hopefully it will work again tomorrow.   

I know God is faithful.  When the bad days come like they did yesterday I’ve learned I just have to hold my breath and get through it.