Rick Beeman

  It was another downer day. Nothing specific happened to make it such a day.  I think it’s just the process that I have to go through.  I’m learning as I’m trying not to over-react when I get in down and lonely moods.  The holidays are obviously a bit tough.   My girls are so excited for Christmas and I just can’t share in their excitement.  I don’t want to be a debbie downer around them so I’m forcing on a happy face.  It’s a fake it, till you make it kind of thing.  My eldest is really wanting a live Christmas tree which we’ve never had before.  So I’ll probably go and choose one with her.  I have zero Christmas decorations.  So everything will have to be from scratch this year.   So I made a conscious choice just to endure the down day.  I tried to do things that help my mood.  I went to see a Norwegian movie after school and had lunch. I just love watching foreign films.  The ones that come over and hit...

  HOPE, a seemingly simple four letter word that is just as important as oxygen for us to live. Where would be without Hope.  I know I’ve spent the majority of the last year without hope.  Seemingly my life as I knew it ceased to exist and there didn’t seem like much hope for the future.  Without Hope, I simply felt despair.  But I have the unique vantage point of experience.  I have been through this type of desolation before, even worse probably in some aspects not as bad in others.  There was a time in 2009 in the midst of my divorce that I seriously considered that I would NEVER be happy ever again.  I rationalized that my new normal would be filled with pain, loneliness and solitude.  I would simply have to learn to live with the emotional and psychological hell on earth.  The moments I went through some 20 years ago give me a chill when I think about it.  If I were to recount some of the horrific details you would shudder....

  I was due for a bad day. Well it’s not really that bad, just less than ideal.  I had a great day followed by 3 really good days.  That’s four positive days in a row, a new 2025 record!.  Why were they good days?  (because I didn’t blog about it, you don’t know) I had my children for my visitation for the weekend and Teacher Work Day today.  Even just typing that brought a smile to my face.  Three things have been really helping me survive this pain and loneliness during this separation, 1. Prayer, 2. Working out 3. This blog.  There are some other things too but they pale in comparison.  So for the last three days I forewent #2 and #3 so I could completely focus and be present for my children.  Because I only get to see them about 13-15% of the month, I cherish the time that I do have with them.  I think they enjoy it too, especially the dog.  The dog travels with the girls so I get to see him too.  We didn’t do anything...

  Well I had two good/not so horrible days in a row.  Now I start a new streak tomorrow.  How is that for an optimistic way of saying I had a bad day.  Again, I’m trying to be vulnerable right now, but I’m not looking for sympathy.  I’m trying to be transparent because society conditions us to put on masks of accomplishment hiding any vulnerabilities that we might have.  I’m here to help lead the charge that it’s ok to share weakness.  If the world did more of showing vulnerability, maybe we could share more empathy with each other rather than compete with each other.  If you are hurting, lonely, depressed you are not alone.  There are millions of us out there in that same situation but we’ve been conditioned to hide it.  This isolates us in thinking that we are the only one with the problem(s) and everyone else out there is normal or has it better than us.  I used to be so obsessed with what people thought of me. My insecurities st...

  Two good days in a row…awesome. When I say “good” I think I need to explain how the definition of good is entirely subjective.  It’s meaning has changed quickly in my life.  To me “good” days means days that weren’t awful.  I am starting to string a few of these together.  I felt moments of joy return to my life in fleeting moments.  I’ve mentioned before the difference I’m feeling between happiness and joy.  Happiness is circumstantial whereas Joy is not.  Nothing big happened that would cause me to have a great day, but it was satisfying nonetheless.  In the months of darkness and heaviness I’ve experienced in the last year, it was a welcome respite.   Today was a teacher work day.  I was able to Telework so I didn’t have to do my long drive into school.  I also made sure I got all my work done on Saturday and this morning so I could have my afternoon free.  I’m really digging the teaching schedule.  I should...

It might not seem like it at first glance, but I feel like I’m turning a corner.  Yesterday’s post I was wallowing in loneliness and despair, yet today I feel better.  The spots of despair are becoming lessened while the spots of peace are becoming lengthened.  This doesn’t mean that I won’t have my bad days, its just that the horrible days are finally becoming fewer and farther between.  I’m not 50-50 between despair and peace just yet.  But by my unscientific calculations (guess) I am 25% Peace and 75% despair.  That might not seem like much but for months it was 5% peace to 95% despair with some days being as low as 1-2% peace.  You see I really love(d) my wife/family. Having them ripped away (I realize that it was my doing) felt like my skin being ripped away emotionally speaking. Those were rough times which I NEVER want to experience again.  So even from going from 5% to 25% is a marked improvement and I’ll take it.  Hopefully tomorrow ...

Birthday Blah…This is going to be raw and unfiltered. Although I appreciate all the well-wishes from the dozens/hundreds of friends from all over the world,  Today still kinda sucked. It was  kinda  ok, but mostly it sucked. Being completely self-aware, I’m feeling sorry for myself. If you choose to read on, be forewarned.   Now I could do the whole Joel Osteen thing and focus on what I have, not what I don’t have.  That works sometimes/most of the time but I just don’t feeling like doing it today.  I feel like wallowing in the muck and mire and I’m not sure if that is a bad or a good thing. There is a time for everything right. Isn’t there a time for being lonely and being a curmudgeon? Or is that antithetical to Christ’s teaching?   I just know that journaling about it makes me feel better.  It makes me feel less alone, like I have someone to talk with at the end of the day about my day.  I haven’t had that for a long time, so maybe this bl...

  A strange sensation just swept over me.  It was familiar but I haven’t felt it in awhile.  Nothing out of the ordinary happened to me today.  It was the very definition of routine.  Yet I had a good day.  I’m still alone, I still miss my children, I still miss the family that I used to have, yet it was a good day.  I’ve been wracked by guilt, self-condemnation and loneliness for months now.  I didn’t feel them today.  What is confounding to me is that I have hope or maybe I’ve rediscovered hope. Logic says that I shouldn’t be hopeful because nothing changed from yesterday.    The only thing that I’ve been doing lately is Seeking God first and trusting him for rest.  Today I felt the dividends of that.  I’m not happy.  That much is clear, but today I was ok not being happy.  Today I was OK feeling Peace and Joy.  They seem to go hand in hand.  I must be doing something right.  I’m not one to judge...