Inexplicable Hope

 Inexplicable Hope

The surge hit me around 11a, seemingly out of nowhere.  I’ve chronicled the last couple of days have been tough.  I’m really missing my family and grieving at the same time.  This is always made worse after I have the kids and then I have to return them. It’s the extreme of amazing joy to instant sorrow.  It’s quite bizarre really.   

 It was a remote learning day again for school.  So I stayed up late on Monday doing most of my work so I could have a more relaxing Tuesday.   After I finished the remote learning assignments I headed to the gym at 9:30p.  Why, because I could.  I hadn’t worked out for a couple of days so I wanted to try to make up for lost time.  A new 24/7 Planet Fitness Gym opened really close to my house so it’s very convenient.  Plus, It’s covered under my insurance plan…Win!

Normally when I sleep my 10 lb bed hog of a dog Snoopy  sleeps curled up right next to me, I can’t move unless I want to toss him aside.  .  Today I was able to roll  about the bed easily and comfortably.  This made me sad.  I like the little bed hog next to me.  I woke up and since it was leg day, I decided to walk to the gym which is about one mile.  Along the way, I needed to eat breakfast and conveniently enough there’s a Burger King next door.  I know eating fast food negates the benefits of exercise, but I did need to eat.  Otherwise as a diabetic my blood sugar crashes during exercise.  It’s a delicate and sometime frustrating balance.  One of the primary motivators for exercise is so I don’t have to drastically change my eating habits.  It’s a short term strategy I know.  But with all the despair over the past year + I’m giving myself a pass with comfort food. After the vigorous workout on the walk home the inexplicable Hope hit.  It was a mix of Peace, Joy, and anticipation for life.  Now being filled with this hope is awesome.  Nothing in particular happened to me or grabbed my attention.  So the hope was built not on my circumstances but my faith.  It’s not I but Christ.  I am living out the embodiment of the classic hymn:  

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness

I dare not trust the sweetest frame,

But wholly lean on Jesus’ Name.

On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;

All other ground is sinking sand,

All other ground is sinking sand.

Growing up I used to sing this in church often in the 70s-80s. The image seared into my brain is that of Bethel Temple in Hayward with Bruce Grecco leading the congregation in song.   I was usually standing next to my late dad who was tone deaf.  He was simply a terrible, terrible singer.  It was hard staying in a worshipful attitude standing next to someone where cat screeches would be a vast improvement.  That said, what I wouldn’t give to sing a hymn next to him right now.  

I’m in so much of a better situation than I was even 24 hours ago.  I know I’m going to have my bad days.  Fortunately I’m making it through the bad days with faith and rejoicing and that helps to minimize them.  As I mentioned before there is nothing in the physical realm where I can fix my situation.  I can only make it worse.  The only thing I can do at this point is to “Seek First the Kingdom and all these things will be added unto you.”  In other words Seek God and everything will work out.  Most of the time I’m just shouting up praises not really sure if they are landing or not. They don’t always seem effective in the moment.   Most of the time when I praise in the midst of despair nothing happens immediately.  But today when I went through my rush of inexplicable Hope its as if God was reaching down from heaven with a warm hug reminding me: “I GOT YOU!”  I needed that in the worst way.  I’m so grateful.  I don’t know where my life will end up right now.  I’m standing at the precipice of the proverbial fork in the road.  I have a preference which path I will take but I’m not in charge of the GPS.  I just know that I know that I know, that whatever path I embark on will be filled with peace and joy.  The more I pray the more this possible peaceful existence becomes a reality.  One of the good parts of being alone, is that I have an abundance of time to spend in prayer.  So I’m never really alone.  Today in a tangible way..;.I felt it.  I’m grateful.  I’m excited about my future.  I just have to continue to pray that my family will know peace the way that I’m experiencing it right now.  There undoubtedly will be more storms but I’ve learned to withstand them.  On Christ the solid Rock I stand.