Rick Beeman

  I had a very strong impression a few days ago that this was going to be a very tough week. So I was able to prepare for it…or so I thought.  I did blog about this a couple of days ago.  So I had a bad day on Thursday but a surprisingly good day on Friday.  I thought I was out of the woods.  Boy was I wrong.  Yesterday, Saturday was absolutely brutal.  Did anything bad happen to me to make it horrible? no.  There was just a heaviness on me that I could almost feel.  I was filled with fear, depression and doubt.  It just kind of snuck up on me, right after I finished yesterday’s blog post around 8:00pm.  Some people believe in spiritual attacks and some people don’t.  The great line from the Usual Suspects is “The greatest trick the Devil ever did was convince the world he didn’t exist.”  I felt what can only be described as a dark presence all night last night even waking up in the middle of the night to it. Since this is...

  I mentioned yesterday that I thought I was turning a corner.  Well today was better than yesterday so we are headed in the right direction.  I’m trying to be very brutally honest in this forum.  I do that as both an encouragement to others and to help call my shot when God will redeem me from the pit that I dug myself.  There is no doubt that this wallowing is a temporary space for me.  I am slowly feeling my optimism come back.  Why?  Did anything change?  No, just my perception has changed.  In seeking God whole-heartedly I’m starting to see my identity change.  What was so devastating for me this past year was losing my identity.  I so loved being a husband and a father, but suddenly when I wasn’t, who was I?  Did I have value, did I matter?  Was it always going to be this way?   My entire life I’ve battled with my identity.  While I’m a life-long Christian, that hasn’t always been my primary ident...

  A strange sensation just swept over me.  It was familiar but I haven’t felt it in awhile.  Nothing out of the ordinary happened to me today.  It was the very definition of routine.  Yet I had a good day.  I’m still alone, I still miss my children, I still miss the family that I used to have, yet it was a good day.  I’ve been wracked by guilt, self-condemnation and loneliness for months now.  I didn’t feel them today.  What is confounding to me is that I have hope or maybe I’ve rediscovered hope. Logic says that I shouldn’t be hopeful because nothing changed from yesterday.    The only thing that I’ve been doing lately is Seeking God first and trusting him for rest.  Today I felt the dividends of that.  I’m not happy.  That much is clear, but today I was ok not being happy.  Today I was OK feeling Peace and Joy.  They seem to go hand in hand.  I must be doing something right.  I’m not one to judge...