Prepared for the storm

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 It’s been a rough couple of days for me. Nothing much has changed.  However, the grief seems to come in waves.  This time it was accompanied by sorrow.  I think the impending winter storm was a reminder to me that I’m on my own.  My core fear is the fear of abandonment (which I’ve learned from lots of therapy) and right now I’m feeling it.  I know that God has never will ever abandon me as he promised “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”  (Hebrews 13:5 and a few other places).  So I’m relying on that promise to see me through this time.  I know this period of sorrow is temporary and I’m not over reacting to it.  Instead I’m trying to do something different.  Normally when we feel pain we want to fix it immediately or as soon as we can.  But this emotional/psychological pain is different.  I can’t fix it immediately.  I know I can’t fix my situation, I can only make it worse.  So I’m trying to do something different.  I’m just sitting in it.  Im not doing anything to fix it or change it, I’m just crying out to God.  Maybe this is my new reality and I have to be accustomed to it.  So here is the weird part.  I’m filled with sorrow, loneliness and pain while also filled with peace.  It doesn’t make sense.  I’m a living breathing walking contradiction/dichotomy.  I think I have peace knowing A. God is faithful not to leave me here, B. There is nothing in the world I can do about my situation.  The image I’m getting is sitting in a downpour on a park bench without an umbrella waiting for the storm cloud to pass.  Sometimes God puts an umbrella there on the bench, sometimes not.  The past couple of days there’s been no umbrella.  But I also peaked ahead to the forecast (metaphorically) and there are clear skies ahead…I just have to wait out the storm.  

I think part of my pain is nostalgia.  Whenever we’ve been snowed in, in the past at least my family was together and we could brave the storm as a unit.  Being together offered me comfort, sanctuary and intimacy.  I’m on my own in this storm it seems.  

I did have the girls for several hours this afternoon/evening.  It was wonderful.  It was the fuel I needed to endure the next few days.  We played games, watched Men in Black and had dinner together.   I love those girls so much.  But I had to return them before the storm.  Now I’m back to sitting in my grief.  My family was kind enough to let me borrow the dog so I’m not completely alone.  

This is his favorite place to sit when I work on the computer.  Having a dog around makes me feel just a tiny bit less lonely.  


I know my feelings are temporary.  I know Hope will return like a nice cool breeze on a hot summer day.  I’m just going to wait this one out.  I’m taking shelter metaphorically, spiritually, and physically.  This storm is bound to pass soon.  I’m prepared for this one. 


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