Thursday, August 12, 2010

Summer and Legal Update

I thought it was time for an update since I haven’t written in the blog for quite some time. I do plan to continue to update it, but its going to take a different twist. Instead of taking a single, divorced guy’s approach to leading a faith-based in a foreign culture as a lay missionary’s life, (whew…) it will turn into a couple’s blog with my lovely wife Jennifer’s input. We will probably merge our blogs and instead of “An American in Bahrain, call it An American Couple in Dubai or something catchy like that. As means of an update I resigned my position at KSDi in Bahrain on very good terms. In mid-September Im headed to Dubai to start up a production company. It is a high-risk, high-reward opportunity. But with Jennifer by my side I can afford to take this kind of risk. The return could be enormous. Im a dreamer, much like my father. Jennifer truly has been a Godsend for me. For a guy like me to get a girl as fabulous as her I think proves that God exists. Its not as miraculous as the parting of the Red Sea, but at least its up there with the 69 Miracle Mets or the 1980 US Hockey Team at least. Many of the devoted readers, friends and family have told me that they are praying for me and my estranged relationship with my children. I am deeply grateful for that as prayer works.

Much of this blog has been about the pain of a very unwanted divorce, God’s faithfulness, and my recovery to the road of Happily Ever After. I believe that someday my life will be made into a movie because of all the dramatic twists and turns. Much of the drama has occurred within the last six months. Most of it has turned out wonderfully.

Partially because of my life choices and the fact that I am contracted laborer in the Middle East I have not been able to see my children on a consistent basis. I have been blessed to be able to fly back to the U.S. 3-4 times a year to see them, but still the relationship has been strained. I had not seen my daughter for nearly two years and my sons for six months. I know part of this is my fault for my career choice (which I made with God’s guidance). I know that I know that I know Im living in the center of His will. God has assured me time and time again that If I obey his voice and go where he tells me to go, He will take care of my children. I often talk about how God speaks to me and im sure there are many people that doubt this. But let me give you one tangible example which was confirmed last week. Early in the blog I had written about the Romanian. About a year ago the Romanian and I went to dinner and I subsequently led her to the Lord after that. But during dinner, I excused myself to use the restroom. While I was washing my hands the Lord clearly spoke to me saying “Tell her she’s going to be a mom soon.” That was a pretty specific word but I’ve come to recognize God’s voice (which sounds very similar to how your conscience would sound). So I told her. She was quite excited as she longed to be a mother. Last week I saw on her facebook wall that she was four months pregnant. You could argue that it was a lucky guess, but I prefer to think of it as confirmation. This gives me confidence to believe all the other times that God has spoken into my life. Particularly it give me confidence that going to the Middle East was absolutely the right call.

At this point I feel like Im a vessel in the sea of God’s will going wherever his winds need me to go. I think as believers we all need to be open to His Calling like that. When the Apostles in the book of Acts went, God would only tell them half the information, the rest they had to wait on by faith. Go to this place and wait. That takes a lot of faith, but God has proven himself to me over and over and over. The good part is that when you are obedient to God’s call that is where true peace and contentment lie. Even in the midst of the greatest storm, you can still experience an inordinate amount of joy. For me the last six months with my children and career felt like I’ve been in a hurricane. For the most part I’ve been in the eye of the hurricane where it has been peaceful despite the raging storm on all sides.

Previous to mid-July 2010 I had not seen and barely spoke with my daughter and my relationship with sons was deteriorating quickly. When I married Jennifer I think they were deeply hurt that they had not met her yet. Yes Jennifer and my courtship was blazing fast. But I’ve learned to trust God. Lately when God tells me to jump, Im on my way down asking where he wants me to land. So with Jennifer he said she’s the one, and it didn’t take much convincing after that. She really is a dream girl. She’s smart (getting her Ph.d, in two months hopefully) beautiful, funny, talented, good athlete, great career and incredibly passionate. But the miraculous thing I think is that she’s absolutely crazy about me. Its one of those types of romances that my sister used to read about in the Harlequin romance novels. It really is a true life fairy tale. Oh and if I needed more proof that our relationship is God ordained, last week we learned that her job is going to allow her to transfer to Dubai. Can you believe her company has a branch in Dubai? God’s fingerprints are all over this relationship. I’d be a fool to not want her as a wife. I think the timing of our relationship was that God foresaw a battle brewing in my life and knew that I needed her strength and support to not only survive but to thrive.

I came home, to the US in march so that my children could meet her. I clearly communicated to my ex-wife the day that I would arrive which fell in my specified court ordered visitation period. When Jennifer and I arrived at the house at the time we specified there was no one home. In anticipating my arrival my ex-wife and/or her new husband had taken them somewhere else. I called them and said I would file a police report if they were not there. After waiting for about a half hour, I found a sheriff but he explained that they don’t do police reports anymore for custody cases. He explained that up unto about a year ago that was the majority of their calls between bitter ex-spouses and their visits with the children. They had to go catch bad guys. So I wasn’t able to file a police report. Plus my son called me and explained that he did not want to see me. He was very upset and angry at me getting married without introducing her to them first. Well I might have been wrong about that. But when I live/work a half a world away and Jennifer is in North Carolina, the logistics of introduction were challenging especially when they refuse to see me. But the anger was most troubling. I’ve talked before about Parental Alienation where the custodial spouse turns the children against the non-custodial spouse. Part of this process is the children unwittingly defend the custodial spouse and vehemently argue that their thoughts/opinions are their own and not influenced by anyone. My situation is really textbook alienation which is sad. Experts tell me that the kids will figure it out eventually. My job is just to continue to love them and make efforts to see them as much as possible. So since the kids didn’t want to see me, and my ex-wife had taken them elsewhere my options were somewhat limited. My only recourse was to take them to court, but since I had to return to work in a week, that was unrealistic.

Once I got back to the Middle East Jennifer and I decided that it was time we fought for my visitation rights as per my divorce decree. I resigned my position early at KSDi so I could see and fight for them. I retained my lawyer (my attorney is good but what a waste of money for an avoidable situation). My children told me that they did not want to see me in July and I told them they didn’t have a choice in the matter. I had let this non-sense about not seeing my daughter drag on far too long. Responsible Parents make choices for their children as to what is in the children’s best interest. I thought it was in the kid’s best interest to see their father, my ex-wife disagreed. Normally I get the entire month of July to see my kids. I expressed to them I would be exercising this right. New hubby then sent me an email stating that they would be exercising their right to see the kids during my month (they get one weekend during my month). So they chose the first weekend. July 2-4. I later would come to realize this was a set up. (Here they had the kids 10.5 months a year but need my first weekend?). So rather than fly halfway across the world for one day, return the kids for that weekend, then pick them up on the July 4 I clearly communicated that I would pick the kids up on July 4. Just to be absolutely clear, I even had my lawyer send a certified letter stating that I would get my kids on July 4 at 6:00 PM. This was all done in April-May. When I arrived with Jennifer on July 4, my ex-wife had taken the kids to Dallas. She knew when I would be coming and purposefully taken them elsewhere. I waited for an hour but was absolutely heartbroken. Im so glad I had Jennifer there with me. We had a three bedroom suite at the Hyatt in Downtown Houston which was walking distance to the largest land-based fireworks show in the nation. All went for naught, but Jennifer and I still enjoyed the room. The next day I called my ex-wife’s voice mail pleading with her to release the children to me. I explained that all I wanted was my kids and didn’t want to go to court. However if she refused I had the resources and determination to see this through to the end. She responded by asking my lawyer via email to ask his client (me) from sending harassing and threatening phone calls. She had reasoned that since I didn’t pick the kids up July 1, I forfeited my visitation even though I clearly specified that I’d pick them up on the fourth because of their request of the first weekend. So Jennifer and I hung out in Houston then on July 5 filed the papers for Habeas Corpus (presenting of the children) and Contempt of Court. The papers were filed as soon as possible. We waited in Houston til we got a court date which would be another week. So we flew back to North Carolina so Jennifer could work. This case was taking up all of her vacation time. When the court date arrived my parents also flew in. They had not seen their granddaughter for nearly two years as well. So we anxiously waited in the courtroom. We were first on the docket which was good since I was paying my lawyer by the hour. We were sequestered into another courtroom. My lawyer presented a very simple and yet compelling case. The judge ruled completely in my favor and awarded me lawyer fees and court costs. It was a beautiful and exciting thing to behold. “Vengeance is mine, says the Lord” so I often time have to wait for that and just “Trust God.” But the flesh in me sometimes enjoys having a front row seat when justice is served. Im not sure if that is a sin or not, but it probably is…forgive me Lord. In the words of my lawyer the case was a 100% win. I was to pick the kids up at 3:00 that same day. After the verdict the judge pointed to both my ex-wife and myself saying “Shame on you, for not being able to work out this simple matter and having to drag the kids to court for this unnecessarily. He urged us to work together in the future for the good of the kids. He also encouraged a spirit of cooperation with the handover of the children. For my ex-wife to make this as smooth as possible by encouraging the children. To help the kids with their bags and walk them to the car. I absolutely agreed with everything the judge had to say. When I picked up the kids, my ex did nothing the judge had told her to do. The kids were sitting in the driveway (boys barely packed, one pair of underwear and socks) in the hot Texas 100 degree heat with no sign of the ex nor new hubby.

When I got the kids they were livid with me. I understand their anger and didn’t take it personally. Its all a part of alienation. Throughout the three weeks my daughter barely looked at me. The new hubby even emailed me admitting talking about me negatively about me to my children. I know there is normal angst that teenagers deal with, but this was angst to the power of 10. My parents and I flew back to their home in California (where the kids used to go every summer with the exception of the previous two years. The boys slowly warmed up. They had so much love surrounding them with me, Jennifer, my parents, friends and family. We had a welcome (meet Jennifer) party the first weekend. I had such a good time with my kids. The highlights were: Taking my middle son to his favorite magician for a seminar, amusement parks, baseball games, San Francisco tourist stuff, seeing Wicked at the theater, movies, swimming in a heated pool (92 degrees-thanks dad) nearly every day, Monterey Bay Aquarium, wii, visits with their cousins, lots of meals together, and lots of family together time. Eventually my daughter warmed up to everyone except me, and that is ok. I’ll have a relationship with her someday. God has assured me of this. The kids had a great time with all their cousins. There was just a lot of joy in that house. Its nice for so many Beemans, Falwells, and Moylans to get together. There was nearly 20 in all. It was a good example of what family is supposed to be all about. All in all it was a very nice visit. I tried to have some heart to heart talks with my daughter but she was still really angry with me. It turns out my ex-wife had planned a vacation for them during my month of July. Why she would do this knowing it was my month is a great example of parental alienation. Once we returned to Texas, the attitudes got worse again, almost toxic. I was supposed to go back to court to file the charges of Contempt of Court against my ex-wife but I decided to postpone those charges. All I wanted to do is see my kids, Im not interested in any further punitive damages against her. But I can refile the charges for up to 10 years, Im told in case something else happens. Its nice to have the hammer but I hope I never have to use it. I went with my youngest to Lakewood on Sunday. The message really spoke to me. It was all about perspective, looking at things positively. Instead of bemoaning the negative I rejoiced that I was able to spend three fantastic weeks with my children with whom I dearly love. I told each of the kids that I love them unconditionally. That no matter what they do, or say, I will always love them as long I live. God is in control of this situation. I know that good will arise.

Im on a plane back to North Carolina to be reunited once again with the love of my life Jennifer. Im so blessed to have her and the opportunity to again experience life, family, marriage, and children the way that God had originally designed. We have spent so much of life at airport. Its nice knowing that those days are finally over.

The late John Osteen said, you can’t unscramble eggs but God can make a beautiful omelet out of them. Well, I got two omelets cooking now and the kids have two families that love them very much. Its not ideal, but it’s the best we can do under these circumstances. The one thing that holds true through this entire experience and my life, is that God is faithful.