Rick Beeman

  It’s been a tough week as I have documented.  So perhaps my busiest day of the week happened at a good time.  We did have a two hour delay to start because of the icy roads.  It was nice getting an extra bit of sleep in.  It was the first actual day of the semester.  I’m always nervous about the first day as I see how many knowledgeable crew/students I’ll have for our productions.  The good news is that I have two very good and adept editors for both my broadcasting classes.  This means I won’t have to do the extra work and can focus my efforts in other areas.  Plus it seems like the classes are all excited to be there.  I’m trying to establish the reputation as the “broadcast” kids are the cool kids.  It helps that I have several returning students.  They take the lead and help train and teach the new students.  It’s a better experience for them as they develop leadership skills and it’s less work for me.  Win-win....

  Yesterday was intense.  I did not like it.  I can remember the moments in my life where I just stopped and sobbed.  It was surreal because it just doesn’t happen that often.  I felt truly broken while at the same time comforted because God knew ahead of time of how I would feel.  Now you might call that chance encounter I had, a coincidence. You can almost decry any Act of God as a coincidence.  I chose NOT to do so.  If God knows the numbers of hairs on my head (Matthew 10:30) and collects my tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8).  Surely he must care when I am broken in spirit. Yesterday I was truly broken.   I do miss my family.  But God promises that He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3).  That is what I am counting on.  I just have to realize the healing may not come overnight as much as I want it to.  It could be days weeks/months/years.  I have to be prepared for it.  This is...

  I have been writing quite a bit lately about the confounding peace that I am experiencing in the midst of all the unhappiness. I am quite surprised by it all even as I experience brief moments of joy and happiness.  I am trying to keep this all in perspective as I know that there will be good days and bad days and a lot of Blah days.  Today was a bad day.  I’m just really discouraged.  I know intellectually that I’ll get through it and tomorrow will be a better day.  But right now I’m just down.  I can’t do anything to fix my situation or make it better and that is the frustrating part of it all.  The only thing I can do is just not make it any worse and endure.  I have found a good strategy when these moods come upon me (other than the obvious with a lot of prayer and praise) is to call it a day and go to sleep early.  That surprisingly has been quite effective.  Yet at 8:41 pm as I write this, I just can’t bring myself to go to ...

  I am getting comfortable sitting in my discomfort. I was able to make it out today to go exercise after nearly 2 days of being iced in.  For my fear of abandonment issues and my distaste of being alone, I managed fairly well.  I actually had a few moments of joy thrown in there as well.  I have to slowly retrain my brain into my new reality.  I don’t want to embrace it but I also don’t want to mope around for the rest of my life. Feeling sorry for yourself only traps you further into the muck of despair and discontent.  Instead of fighting for yesterday I am attempting to embrace tomorrow.  Along the way I have to be at peace for today.  It’s all a bit poetic but it seems to be working little by little.  I am living out the serenity prayer in real time.  “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.  With a few setbacks every now and then, I’...

  It’s been such a strange, different and wonderful day. I remember getting the impression last night as I went to sleep that tomorrow was going to be a good day.  Sometimes God speaks to me to warn me of impending difficult days or impending good days.  Most of the time these thoughts or feelings turn out to be accurate.  But I scoffed at this notion.  How could it be possibly be a good day?  I was alone with the prospect of being snowed in for the entire day with everything around me closed or at least I thought it was closed. Last night I drove around Raleigh around 8 pm looking to buy eggs.  I couldn’t find any.  Either the stores were closed or they were out of eggs, bread and milk.    I slept in, and kept sleeping and stayed in bed for another two hours.  Normally on a Sunday I get up for church but church was all online today.  So i stayed in bed until I felt somewhat slothful.  I got up and my street was blank...

  Im a bit down today. Not really too sure why, but then again I wasn’t really sure why I was up for the last couple of weeks.  Maybe the grief and joy comes in waves.  One small explanation is that I am a bit disappointed.  I made a scheduling error with a doctor appointment which meant I wouldn’t get to see my youngest today.  I was really looking forward to it.  Her smile just lights up my day.  She’s at the age where she is just so happy just to be with me even though we aren’t doing anything.  I think I might have gotten a bit spoiled seeing my children nearly every day for the past week.  I had grown accustomed to that.  But now that it isn’t presenting itself just for 1 day it has put me in a funk.  So what did I do wrong?  Did I just come to rely upon the daily interaction to give me a false sense of hope and family?   I’m not too sure.  I really have been treasuring each moment that I have with them.  An...

  The more and more time that passes the more I am accepting of my reality that this is my new normal. Does that mean I’m happy about it?  Heck No!  But with acceptance that I cannot change my reality comes peace.  Perhaps I’m over the grieving phase of my loss moving directly into the acceptance phase.  The five stages of grief if I need to remind you (I had to remind myself): The five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I went through the first four kicking and screaming.  Now I’m rounding into acceptance and I was tested on it today.  I had a great week.  Even a fabulous week.  Did I win the lottery, reconcile? Or get a promotion?  No, what made it a fabulous week was simply my attitude.  Something that was entirely in my control.  Event wise it was a fairly non-chalant week.  I did have my daughters to look forward to this weekend so that always helps.  But the weekend did not quite go a...

  I felt several weeks ago that I turned a corner. That didn’t mean that everything was suddenly OK.  Instead the tide turned as far as I think Ive been through the worst of it.  So what does that mean?  Will things not get any worse?  Oh, I think things might get worse but I can now confidently say I can control what I can control even if things don’t go the way I’m praying.  I’ve picked up some skills along the way, the most important of which are spiritual skills.  I have learned to rely upon my faith wholeheartedly even during the dark times.  I know whatever happens will ultimately happen for my good because I’m doing my part.  I just have to trust for everything else.   I’m so blessed because I just finished out with 3 great days in a row.  I know that might not sound like much but I’d probably have to go back to 2024 to find three consecutive great days.  I’ll take it.  I was anticipating a great weekend and I ...

  STOP THE PRESSES: TWO GREAT DAYS IN A ROW!  Does that reference mean anything anymore?  My first actual job was working at a newspaper (Daily Review) when I was 12 years old. I was the last person (I think) to ever sell newspapers outside a subway station (Hayward BART) think Newsies.  The Late Dennis Richmond always bought a paper from me on his way to host the KTVU Newscast.  Then I worked at the actual newspaper stuffing advertising inserts together for the Sunday paper.  I had a good work ethic when I was 12-14.  I knew my dad was rich, but I didn’t want to be considered the spoiled Rich Kid so I worked as hard as I could to save up for a nice car.  The car wound up being a used 1982 Camaro.  So Stop the Presses might be a phrase from a bygone era that younger generations might not know about. Phrases that might include “Don’t Touch that Dial”, “Hang up the phone,” or “Be Kind Rewind”   So I am burying the lead (Another bygone phra...

It was another good day. Nothing spectacular happened today to make it good and maybe that is why it is good.  I want these types of days to be the norm, not the exception.  I’m still filled with Hope.  Why is there anything happening?  Is there something to look forward to?  Not really other than unexpectedly seeing my daughter for an extra unplanned weekend.  My hope is from the Lord.  I’ve been singing this Psalm 121 all day long:   1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—  where does my help come from? 2 My help comes from the Lord,  the Maker of heaven and earth. 3 He will not let your foot slip—  he who watches over you will not slumber; 4 indeed, he who watches over Israel  will neither slumber nor sleep. 5 The Lord watches over you—  the Lord is your shade at your right hand; 6 the sun will not harm you by day,  nor the moon by night. 7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—  he will watch over your life; 8 the Lord will watch over your c...

  I believe we were created on this Earth to have Relationship with God.  In Genesis 3:8 it describes God walking in the Garden with Adam in the cool of the day.  Abraham was also called a friend of God.  David was a man after God’s own heart.  So with all this relationship business in the Bible it makes sense that God both speaks and listens to us like any normal relationship.  Too often Christians view communication with God as a one way ticket and use God as a type of Santa Claus.  We don’t spend enough time listening to Him or at least I don’t.  This communication becomes even more muddled with sin in our lives.  I know when I have sin in my life it acts like radio interference.  I try to hear from God but I can’t hear from him clearly like before. The noise sometimes drowns God’s voice or sometimes the enemy comes in and mimics God’s voice taking me off the path.  Both issues happen to me.  The Holy Spirit is a gentleman v...

  A strange sensation came over me today. I was still somewhat depressed from the remnants of a great weekend to the polarity of an empty house.  So I’m glad there is a clinical diagnosis for it ( https://rickbeeman.blogspot.com/2025/10/adjustment-disorder-with-depressed-mood.html ) so it shows that I’m not alone.  This whole depression thing is such a novel concept.  I like to think of myself as the most optimistic guy on the planet.  Yet these circumstances are really challenging me.  One of my places of refuge is the school.  I try to leave my home issues behind.  The students don’t know and most don’t care what I’m going through.  I might have mentioned something about the separation at the beginning of the year but they have minds like goldfish when it comes to other people’s problems.  They have dire (in their minds) issues of their own.  I try to be the cool, firm but fair teacher.  I do have a few issues with students a...