A bit down after several days of up.

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 Im a bit down today. Not really too sure why, but then again I wasn’t really sure why I was up for the last couple of weeks.  Maybe the grief and joy comes in waves.  One small explanation is that I am a bit disappointed.  I made a scheduling error with a doctor appointment which meant I wouldn’t get to see my youngest today.  I was really looking forward to it.  Her smile just lights up my day.  She’s at the age where she is just so happy just to be with me even though we aren’t doing anything.  I think I might have gotten a bit spoiled seeing my children nearly every day for the past week.  I had grown accustomed to that.  But now that it isn’t presenting itself just for 1 day it has put me in a funk.  So what did I do wrong?  Did I just come to rely upon the daily interaction to give me a false sense of hope and family?   I’m not too sure.  I really have been treasuring each moment that I have with them.  And now that I can’t have them today or just to see them today it hurts.  I’m not sure what the solution is other than to just suck it up and not make things worse.  


One thing that might explain my disposition, is I need a new knee eventually.  My old knee is racked by arthritis and i have no cartilage left in it whatsoever.  It’s a combination of poor genetics and I ran a LOT when I was younger, pretty much all the time.  I do miss running distance but It’s just not in the cards right now.  I was learning about a new procedure that is an alternative to knee replacement.  It has something to do with Cell replacement therapy.  It’s an outpatient procedure that sounded great.  I guess I’m a bit down because I found out it only is supposed to last 2-3 years and then you have to do it again.  I was really hoping that it could be a permanent solution.  On the positive side, my exercising has really helped with my knee pain.  Building up all the muscles around the bad knee has greatly alleviated the pain especially up and down the stairs.  


What I think I realized is that there are going to be good days and bad days.  The only difference is my acceptance of the situation.  If I’m embracing the new reality of me being single/separated it makes the bad days not seem as bad.  I just have to make it through them.  I’m kind of all over the place today.  I just need to be quiet and wait.  Tomorrow will be another day.  I think I’m tired as well.  That is affecting my mood.  No great insight or revelations today, I apologize for that.  I just need to get to tomorrow and do a reset.  Things will work out.  I’m confident about that.  


UPDATE


I wrote that a few hours ago and I’m in better spirits.  I had a good vigorous workout and just cried out to God.  Things aren’t perfect, but I realize that I just need to weather the storm.  This downer of a mood is only temporary. I will not let it define me.  I’m not making it worse by self-medicating.  I can endure this.  If it’s a test, I think I’m passing it.  Peace and Joy will come in the morning hopefully. 


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