A Teleprompter and some hope

 I feel as if I am in a spiritual and psychological battle with an In his prime Mike Tyson. I’m trying to withstand the heavy blows. This morning I woke up with such a heaviness that was pretty inexplicable.  I make a habit of the first thing that comes out of my mouth (outloud) after the alarm bell rings is “This is the day the Lord has made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it.”  Its a good way to start out the day.  Since I’m alone most of the time I just talk out loud to God like someone you are having a conversation with.  It’s not awkward when you are by yourself.  I’m also quite honest with Him.  Like God I don’t like this…or God I’m lonely…or God I need hope.  I also throw in a lot of praise and thanksgiving in order to balance it out.  Sometimes God answers in pretty cool ways, often times he does not.  That’s the time where there is one set of footprints in the sand. iykyk

This morning on my commute into work I just felt this strange darkness and hopelessness fall upon me.  I’ve felt this before but this was intense.  It felt like a big, Mexican, soaking wet, spiritual blanket weighing me down.  I tried to pray it away but it just persisted.  I had to fight through it.  I trusted God that “This too shall pass.”  (This phrase is not exactly in the Bible.)  So I just plowed forward and made a point to make the best of it.  I didn’t want to make it any worse.  But a couple of my students did notice I was in a bad mood.  I can’t be smiling and joyful all the time although I try.  I have found as a teacher if I’m too lenient and easy going at first they take advantage later.  It’s much harder to reel the students in after.  But I’m still trying.  I want to be the cool, fun teacher but I do so at my peril because the students will then eat you alive.  

I’m growing quite fond and attached to my students in a very healthy way.  Since I don’t have my children on a full time basis any more my students are somewhat filling that void.  I have some returning 2nd and 3rd year students that return to my classes as advanced students.  I put more expectations on them as they don’t have to do the traditional assignments like the first year students do.  I mentioned a couple of days ago that I couldn’t figure out how to put a teleprompter together and it flustered me.  Then a couple of my seniors (who are my rock stars) took it upon themselves and built it entirely on their own.  I was so proud of them.  There was one thing they couldn’t figure out.  They couldn’t get the confidence monitor to work.  So with the help of Chat GPT I was able to figure it out.  Score one for the old guy.  But still I have a lot of students that take ownership and initiative to almost teach themselves.  It’s easy for me to see even at this age which students are going to be successful in life and which ones will probably struggle.  Still because of differentiation I have to teach them all the same and give them the same opportunities.  

So because of the students excelling that really put me in a much better mood. I was so proud of them and I expressed that to them.   Hope and excitement are fleeting sometimes lately but I’ll take them when I can get them.  Someone mentioned yesterday that I could take medication for my depression, but I don’t think it’s depression.  My therapist mentioned it was grief I was going through and I agreed with him.  The definition of grief is: The normal response to a major loss, such as the death of a loved one. Grief may also be felt by a person with a serious, long-term illness or with a terminal illness. It may include feelings of great sadness, anger, guilt, and despair.  While I did go through my father’s death, that isn’t weighing me down as much.  He lived a good, long, fruitful life.  Instead I’m grieving the loss of the relationship I used to have.  I’m grieving the loss of my children having two parent home.  I’m grieving the loss of having a spouse love me and so many other things that went along with it.   I feel all of those things.  I am not sure how exactly to make those things better other than just to accept and survive.  Time heals all wounds so maybe I just have to wait it out.  I know that God is faithful and I’m in this season for a specified time and a specified purpose.  In Ecclesiastes Solomon wrote: “A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.”

— Ecclesiastes 3:4 (KJV)

So maybe that is the answer.  I just have to accept my reality for what it is and not long for yesterday.  I can wish hope and pray for yesterday to come back but it might not happen. It’s out of my control which is beyond frustrating.    I just have to accept it and Trust God.  Certain days I’m getting better at that.  Certain days like this morning, I am not.  I miss my old life, desperately.  I can pray for miracles.  I can trust for miracles.  But in the mean time I just have to survive.  I have a lot of people counting on me now.  I can’t be so selfish and self-centered and let them down by wallowing in my own puddles of grief.  There will be brighter days ahead.  I just know it.