ADD, Addiction, and withdrawal

 Throughout this whole solitude thing I’ve had a lot of time for self-reflection and a whole lot of time in therapy. I’ve grown through the angst.  I have also come up with a lot of realizations about myself.  For those that know me best it’s quite obvious.  Amongst many other things is that I have an addictive personality.  That means it’s really easy for me to get hooked on processes as I search for a dopamine rush for a dopamine deficiency.  According to our friends at Chat GPT this is the definition of Dopamine:

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter—a chemical messenger in the brain—that helps regulate movement, motivation, reward, and mood.  When something feels enjoyable or motivating, dopamine is one of the key chemicals involved. It also plays important roles in learning, attention, and controlling voluntary movement.

I have a predisposition for addictive behavior because of my ADD.  My running joke is that I used to have ADHD but I got too old and had to drop the H so now it’s just ADD.  There are some good and bad parts to ADD.  The good is that it is like a creative superpower if harnessed in the right way.  You can also get a lot of things done, over time.  But one of the negative traits is the predilection for addictive behavior.  Again back to Chat GPT.  

People with ADD/ADHD often have low or irregular dopamine, which can make them more likely to seek out things that feel exciting or rewarding. Because they also struggle with impulse control, this combination can raise the risk of addictive behaviors if their ADHD isn’t treated.

Well my ADHD was never treated because we had no idea what it was back in the 70s. I knew I had these wild emotional swings of extreme elation and extreme depression for no apparent reason.  I know now, it was manic-depressive episodes.    Back when I was in school in the dark ages they didn’t have labels for any of this.  It was just a difficult/hyper child that couldn’t focus. I still did pretty good in school when motivated.  I was content with a B average because I liked the social aspect of school a lot.   Back then the ADD types  were generally swept under the rug.  If I knew then what I know now how much my life would have/could have been different.  I got addicted to a few different things in my life.  I always thought my addictions were because of a flaw in my spiritual character.  That if I could pray more I would just get over it.  I never would have thought it was a psychological issue.  If I did I wouldn’t have hid the addiction and instead would have started treatment.  I’ve finally (after 50 years of struggle and delving into the issue to try to manage it.  This is something that I should have done years/decades ago, but I’m doing it now.  I’m learning so much about it.   The most of important of which is that it is manageable.  I have picked up the tools (finally) to deal with it.  

In the past I’ve always tried to remedy the addictive behavior by becoming addicted to positive things like the pursuit of God, devotional life, distant running, now exercise, or other healthy pursuits.  That worked for a long time.  One of the things I have realized I was addicted to but didn’t consider it an addiction was Love Addiction.  I am a love addict.  This means I don’t feel whole or complete unless I’m in a relationship.  Now this love addiction is partially due to the ADD and partially due to my upbringing.  It is all created from a fear of abandonment.  Which is a bit ironic in my life right now.  Here again is Chat GPT: 

Love addiction is when someone becomes overly dependent on the feeling of being in love or on a partner, needing constant attention or connection even when the relationship is unhealthy.

• Fear of abandonment or being alone

• Needing constant reassurance or emotional closeness

• Losing personal boundaries to keep the relationship

• Staying in unhealthy or harmful relationships because the emotional “high” is hard to give up

• Withdrawal-like symptoms (anxiety, panic, depression) when separated

Well that is pretty much me in a nutshell.  This is why this separation is so painful for me.  I’m dealing with a lot of issues simultaneously.  So I am working on learning to live with myself and embrace the withdrawal symptoms which I’ve detailed regularly through this blog.  The good news is that I (even with all my flaws) am made in the image of God.  He is helping me be totally reliant upon Him.  That is healthy.  Looking back over the course of my life, once I got my car and my braces off in high school, I’ve never been “not” in a relationship.  I could never date multiple people.  The relationships I would have would ramp up in intensity from 0-60 or 0 to cuddling in 60 seconds or less.  I exaggerate but it’s mostly true.  So even when the relationships were unhealthy I stayed because I feared being alone even more.  Now that’s not meant to denigrate any ex-partners it’s just me trying to explain why I am the way I am.  I am not sure what the solution to all of this is…wait I do know.  I just have to be alone for awhile. and…I HATE THAT.  so that is what I’m covering with my therapists.  Because one addiction seems to easily trigger another addiction as means of a coping device.  I thank God I never got into alcohol/drugs or gambling because if I did I’m pretty sure I would have self-destructed rapidly.  

So now that I know my flaws and am admitting as much. I’m working hard to seek treatment and understanding of why I am the way I am.  Im not sure how much of the past I can fix at this point.  But I know I need to find a remedy to stop the destructive patterns and get into healthier lifestyles and healthier relationships.  I can’t do this on my own.  I need a lot of help, guidance and prayer.  I again keep coming back to this because it is the fuel that keeps me going, God is faithful.