Looking for my "When"

 I was getting tired of writing about downer days.  I’m sure you were probably tired of reading about them as well.  I had like three bad days in a row.  Now nothing overtly negative happened to me those days.  It’s just that my “Hope” meter was on empty.  I know intellectually that my Hope comes from the Lord and that He is always faithful but that doesn’t help with the immediate loneliness and despair that periodically hits. The enemy knows this and is trying to keep me down.    Hope comes in waves and I was bereft of any sort of tide coming my way.  I know what I need to do.  Just like I did last night, put my head down and get through it.  I used to be a distance runner.  I was never fast, in fact I was pretty slow with short legs/strides, but I could run for miles.  It was the endurance that I was good at.  (I’m paying the price for that today with no cartilage in my arthritic knees but at least I have four marathon medals somewhere to show for it.)  I think that is the mentality that I need to adopt, endurance.  This season (however long it will last) is a marathon.  I have to gear up mentally for it.  It’s a slog and I have to anticipate the bad days and the really bad days.  As much as I don’t want to admit it, that is pretty much my life for the next year plus.  I know there will be a happy ending somewhere in there because Romans 8:28 promises us. I just have to do my part which I’m doing and plan to continue to do.   They just don’t mention the “when” part. When will “All Things working together for good” happen?  If I knew the end date and could circle it on my calendar and plan accordingly.  God doesn’t work like that even though it would make my life much easier.  Im certain there is a purpose for the delay, but “the waiting is the hardest part” Thanks Tom Petty.   I need to maintain the mentality that everyday I wake up, I’m one step close to the “when” 

Things started out rough at school too.  I had several things I needed to accomplish.  For example our girls flag football team won the state championship on Saturday so I wanted to record a breaking news segment and put it in the daily announcements and re-edit the old version.  (We usually record the day’s show the previous day.)    I only had 90 minutes to do this. Yet when I got to school the equipment was in disarray.  Some of my star students used it over the weekend and forgot the cardinal rule of production.  “Always leave a place/equipment in a better than how you found it.”  It took the wind out of my sails.  With my mood at the time being poor, I just wanted to throw my hands up and say “I give up.”   But I didn’t. I just tried to plan backwards from a worst case scenario and handled one issue at a time.  The crisis (In my own head really) was eventually averted and everything turned out to be fine.  Still I was stuck in the muck of lonely/depressed attitude.  This is not me nor is it who I want to be. I don’t want to model this behavior for anyone. I am a  model for Christ.  When I am down and depressed how is that going to encourage anyone to join the Kingdom.  Most people are depressed and discouraged already so why should they add guilt on top of it.  I need to model the fruits of the spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness, and Self Control.  Some days/weeks its difficult to produce those fruits.  

I feel like I haven’t been able to be myself for a year now.  But still I had to just make it through.  I ultimately did.  A few hours later after a nap with my dog on my chest (very therapeutic) I went to work out.  On my playlist was “Everybody Hurts” by REM.  The part where Michael Stipe sang “Hold on…Hold on…Hold on…Hold on…”  really spoke to me because that is where I’m at, holding on hoping the days get shorter and shorter so I can get to my resolution (whatever that may be) faster.  That’s when things started to tick upwards finally.  I went to my second job of teaching filmmaking and acting at Lune Spark and really enjoyed my experience with the students.  My joy was coming back.  After work, I interacted with my daughter and spoke with my adult son who is coming to visit tomorrow. I’m stoked about it.  And I get my kids this weekend.   There’s only one day of school left before the break.  Suddenly I’m looking forward to tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.  I’m not dreading it, in fact, Im really looking forward to it.  My hope has returned and therefore my Joy quickly followed.  I’d choose peace and joy over despair any day of the week.  

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that the Tide was starting to turn.  I still fully believe that it has happened.  But I do know there will be more days/weeks that I have to “Hold On” in order to get to my when for the “All Things Work Together for Good” part to activate.  In the meantime…one day at a time and hopefully those days pass quickly.