Is Hope a 4 letter word?

 HOPE, a seemingly simple four letter word that is just as important as oxygen for us to live. Where would be without Hope.  I know I’ve spent the majority of the last year without hope.  Seemingly my life as I knew it ceased to exist and there didn’t seem like much hope for the future.  Without Hope, I simply felt despair.  But I have the unique vantage point of experience.  I have been through this type of desolation before, even worse probably in some aspects not as bad in others.  There was a time in 2009 in the midst of my divorce that I seriously considered that I would NEVER be happy ever again.  I rationalized that my new normal would be filled with pain, loneliness and solitude.  I would simply have to learn to live with the emotional and psychological hell on earth.  The moments I went through some 20 years ago give me a chill when I think about it.  If I were to recount some of the horrific details you would shudder.  They were as bad as they could get as far as emotional and psychological trauma.  What made it worse is that I never had gone through that experience previously so it all felt so permanent.  But something happened.  I survived rock bottom even after discovering a few undiscovered sub-levels to Rock Bottom.  There was joy again, there was peace again, there was elation and happiness when I was convinced I would never feel those feelings again.  The events of the past year pale in comparison to those ancient historical events in my life.  This is so much easier to handle.  The pain is still real and it still stings but in hindsight I know these feeling are only temporary. This too shall pass.   The past week filled with fabulous days was a reminder to me that I will indeed pull out of this emotional nosedive as I am starting to level out now.  If God was faithful 20 years ago, there is no doubt that He will be faithful now.  This past week has given me hope if it’s not obvious.  It was far from a perfect week.  Yet I didn’t let a few setbacks steal my joy.  I had to aggressively protect that.  I had to guard my mind against drowning in the pessimism of the moment.  Instead what God has showed me was lifting me out of the abyss, I created largely on my own.  I felt a couple of weeks ago like I turned the corner and that is ever so obvious right now.  It helped when I changed perspective.

  I was thinking about this about this about an hour ago.  I could say I ONLY get to see my girls every other weekend or I could say I GET to see my girls every other weekend.  It’s a small but subtle change in perspective.  I also get bonus moments like today.  My oldest daughter missed her bus.  It just so happened that I had an appointment ending as soon as she called me.  I was close by, so I was able to get her with little effort.  She had to accompany to my next appointment but it was better than walking home for her.  She was hungry and I was able to cobble enough snacks together for her in my car.  I’m a pack rat.  While i was in my appointment she was also able to finish her homework.  Then the good part kept getting better.  I was able to drop her off at home and get bonus time with my other girls.  My youngest squealed when she saw me.  I gave her a big hug and pushed her on the swing.  My wife and middle daughter came out to say hello as well.  I was on cloud 9.  A seemingly innocuous mistake by my daughter led to an event that probably made my week.  I could say, I only got to see my family for 20 minutes today or I prefer that I GOT to see my family for 20 minutes.  God must have known I needed that bump because now I’m riding pretty high.  A “blah” day has turned into a bright day.  Remember the Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood (F43.21) now that seems like such a distant memory because of the change in perspective.  

I feel more and more like I’m getting back to myself and the person that God has always designed me to be.  There are also some details which the Lord is revealing to me that helps with my positive spirit which I’ll probably share in the coming weeks.  I am growing in this period of isolation.  I haven’t walked this road perfectly but I’m trying to do so now.  I don’t know how this story will resolve itself but God has shown me over and over that this is ALL according to His plan.  

Last week I had a very discouraging moment.  I cried out to God, to give me a sign how I should pray and how I should hope.  I hesitated because Jesus says in Matthew 12:39 “39 He answered, “A wicked and adulterous generation asks for a sign! But none will be given it except the sign of the prophet Jonah.”  So I naturally hesitated asking for a sign.  I did not know how to pray.  I wanted to have hope but I also didn’t want my prayers and hopes to be in vain.  Later that week my daily Bible reading was in the book of Isaiah: In Isaiah 7:10–11, God speaks through the prophet Isaiah to King Ahaz: “Ask the LORD your God for a sign, whether in the deepest depths or in the highest heights.” — Isaiah 7:11 (NIV)

So that was confirmation. I asked for a sign.  Did I see a billboard?  Did someone give me a Word of Knowledge speaking on behalf of the Lord? Was there something written on the wall?  No nothing miraculous like that happened.  Instead God gave me a great week.  That was his sign for me to keep believing like I am believing.  It must be working because I’m filled with hope.  Again nothing happened externally to give me this hope.  Instead my hope is in the Lord and His faithfulness.  He has seen me through this hell before and no doubt He is carrying through this as well.  It’s possible to have peace and joy even though I am seemingly unhappy.  I’m living that right now.  It doesn’t make sense but that’s why they call it the peace that passes all understanding.  I feel like I’m at a crossroads.  Two roads diverge into the woods.  Well, Robert Frost said it best:  

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

I feel as if I’m at the crossroads with the divergent roads at this moment.  If I look to the left I see Peace and Joy.  If I look to the right I see Peace and Joy.  While I might have a preference, I know that either road will lead to the same end result.  I’m in a no-lose situation because my life is filled with Hope. I plan to keep it that way.