Open Wounds and Scarlett O'Hara

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I learned something about myself today that might seem obvious to most of you.  Maybe it should seem obvious to me but I'm a slow learner.  Yesterday was a down day for me.  I couldn't really explain it because nothing inconsequential happened or at least nothing really bad happened.  So why was I down.  Upon reflection today I think I figured it out.  I had a really great week last week.  I just strung together a bunch of good to great days and I rode that wave of emotional elation as long as I could.  Yet I fell off the board yesterday and I couldn't figure out why.  I was just down.  But then it hit me.  I think I might have fooled myself a bit.  Thinking that I had seven great days in a row maybe I thought I was over my pain/loneliness and it would mostly be rainbows, puppy dogs and sunshine from here on out.  Oh, I was a bit wrong.  While I am an eternal optimist I now realize how inaccurate those feelings of mine were.  I still have a long road ahead in terms of healing.  I do want to speed up the process but sometimes God wants us sit, wait, and wallow until he accomplishes what he is trying to accomplish in our lives.  This is so contrary to my personality.  If I see something I impulsively jump in and try to get it trusting that God will slam the door shut if it's NOT in his well.  "ALL things work together for good". so maybe that gives me a false sense of hope. (TANGENT ALERT) It reminds me of the driving habits of some Muslims in the Middle East.  This might be considered racist but here goes.  I met some Muslims that believe whole-heartedly that Allah controls everything that there essentially is no free will.  So that means on the highways if they get into an accident it is Allah's will.  If they don't get into an accident it is also Allah's will.  This allows them to drive with a sense of reckless impunity.  I shared the road with these people and you do have to be very aggressive if you are going to drive in the Middle East. I did kind of enjoy driving aggressively...When in Rome.... So my apologies if I offended you.   Back to my original train of thought.  (TANGENT 2) I think this generation is missing something not having grown up with American Bandstand  with Dick Clark or Soul Train with Don Cornelius.  Back then we had to wait through commercials to see our favorite bands play live--while we walked two miles in the snow uphill both ways after.... OK now really back on track.  New paragraph even.  

So I might have jumped the gun on the Hope part.  Yes God is faithful but I still have some healing to do.  I have giant, gaping open wound that still needs to heal.  As much as I wish/hope/pray for expediency the truth is it's just going to take some time.  The more I pick at the wound the more it will fester and delay the healing process.  So I just have to sit, pray and wait.  As much as I want to do something to speed this up, I simply can't.  That is SOOOOO frustrating for me.  Psalm 46:10 says "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth"

Maybe it's my ADD but it's difficult for me to be still which is probably precisely why I'm being asked to do that right at this moment.  I just have to realize that in this Ecclesiastical season there will be good days and bad days.  I will celebrate the good days and learn how to best endure the bad days.  Nothing of consequence needs to happen to determine which day will be good and which will be bad.  It's just life which is difficult to control.  So when the moods of despair and loneliness hit, I know I just have to suck it up, hold my breath , and make it through the day without making it harder on myself.  I don't want to feel sorry for myself nor do I want anyone to feel sorry for me.  There are other people out there with far more significant issues than I.  I just have to learn from Scarlett O'Hara (TANGENT 3 I now there is not much to learn from her spoiled impetuous ways (Why was she such an icon back in the day...she was a jerk.  Clark Gable was where it's at.)  "After all Tomorrow is another day".  There is hope for me.  I just have get through my down days trusting God knowing tomorrow is coming...soon.  





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