A fabulous weekend and a bittersweet moment at the end.

 I had such a wonderful time with my girls this past weekend.  It’s been a few days since I blogged because I was trying to keep my focus and every minute of my day on them. I don’t have them as much as i’d like so each moment with them is precious.   We didn’t really do anything either.  I think we just enjoyed each other’s company.  I always have a bit of a downer whenever they go back home but this is a little different.  This is my new reality.  I just have to learn to accept it.  There is nothing I can do to fix this situation.  The only thing I can do is make it worse.  I’ve been taking the necessary steps in self-development and discovery to ensure that backwards steps don’t happen.  I am blessed with three remarkable girls that each are absolutely unique.  It’s pretty amazing how ideal they all are.  I am so very proud of them.  What sucks about this whole situation is that they are the victims in this (as all children are in separation/divorce).  They didn’t ask for any of this, instead they are thrown in the middle and just asked to make the best of it.  THAT SUCKS!  I wish I could protect them or go back in time and do things differently to avoid this situation but I can’t.  There is a common lie/justification that goes around, “Kids are resilient”  I HATE that they are being asked to be resilient.  They don’t deserve this.  

I can see in their eyes and in their behavior that they miss me being a unit with their mom. They just can’t express it words. My favorite thing in life is watching shows/movies with them.  I think they enjoy it as much as I do.    It gives us a great excuse to cuddle.  Even my 14 year old wanted to cuddle while we watched Man on the Inside (her request).  It filled me with such love.  My middle child loves long walks along the Crabtree Creek Trail with the dog and I. Im trying to plan my workouts with their visits to be leg days. That way I ca exercise and not sacrifice any time away from them.   My middle one has a gift of endurance but she refuses to admit that.  My youngest, who just turned six, loves to walk to the local playground with the dog.  Sometimes her sister comes along, sometimes she plays by herself. Either way she has a blast.   I like having the opportunity to do something individual with each of them.  I think they enjoyed the attention as well.   

I know that nothing happens in life without God’s hand in the midst of it.  I just feel so guilty that I put them in this horrible situation.  I wish there was something I could do to fix it.  The only thing I know is to “Seek First the Kingdom and His righteousness and ALL these things will be added unto you.”  So that’s the only way I know how to take care of these precious girls and to look out for them, and that is to Seek God first.  I’ve been doing that for awhile now.  Since God always keeps his promises I just know I have to wait for His perfect timing for “All these things added unto you” to come to fruition. It will hopefully sooner rather than later.  I am really lonely and unhappy tonight, yet I am still overflowing with peace and joy. It’s a strange internal dichotomy.   The peace and joy doesn’t make sense and it almost seems irresponsible.  But I know that God is faithful.  My pastor today spoke of maybe my trials can be of benefit to someone.  I pray that it is true.  In the meantime I’d adhering to the promise that “All Things Work together for Good for those who believe and are called according to His purpose.”  I know I believe and I know that I’m called according to His purpose at this very moment.  Now, it’s just a matter of time.  I pray that my girls can feel the same Peace, Hope and Joy that I feel.  They deserve it far more than I.