Identity. Who are we really? How do we identify ourselves? Is the identity that we have of ourselves the same identity that other’s would bestow upon us? Probably not. I still feel like I have the physical identity of a skinny 20 year old, but my belly, Jennifer, and the mirror will tell me otherwise. We tend not to be honest with ourselves about our own identity. One of the hardest things to do in life is look in the figurative mirror, recognize your flaws and admit when you’ve made mistakes. Its so much easier to blame other people for your problems. That is safe. Once you’ve started down that road of averting blame its really difficult to turn back. “I made a mistake, I was wrong, do you forgive me” Those are probably the three hardest phrases for anyone to utter. But there is so much freedom when someone can come to that self-actualization. It’s the first step to having a genuine identity. Otherwise we are all playing different characters in the theater of life. Its so much easier when you can just be yourself.
I have always been a Christian. I was fortunate to grow up in a two-parent God fearing family. While my parents weren’t perfect, They loved God and they loved each other. I think that’s 99.5% of being a good parent. The other .5% is making your child eat vegetables and my parents woefully failed in that regard. So I gave my heart to God at the age of 7 and then about 472 times after that while growing up just to be extra sure. Hell is a scary place when you grow up in a Pentecostal church. So since I always was a Christian, it was normal to me, I didn’t embrace my faith as my identity. It was just second nature. That was the problem it was second in my life. God was always there, I would drift and then come back, drift and come back. In high school and college I was the president of almost everything. I really liked being popular. I got my identity through being the “big man on campus” That all changed in a heartbeat when I lost a re-election in college to become Student Government President for a second term. Not only did I lose, I got blown out of the water. In an instant I went from my perceived identity of “Mr. Popular” to “Mr. Loser.” Psychologically I didn’t get over that loss or that loss of identity for years.
I got married young but still that wasn’t my identity. I had dreams, (which I thought at the time that were God Inspired). My identity was my film career. I was a young, aspiring screenwriter that was going to take Hollywood by storm. After all…like the Blues Brothers…I thought I was on a mission from God. Don’t misunderstand me, I was still a Christian, I was still a good husband, and I was a great father, but it wasn’t my primary identity. I believe that is the reason why I struggled in my career so much. I had moderate success. I wrote a slew of screenplays (lots of options but no sales), worked on some films, wrote and directed a lot of documentaries and biographies that aired, but I still didn’t achieve my identity defining objective of directing a “feature film” before the age of 35. Because I didn’t achieve my dream, I felt like my time in Hollywood I was somewhat of a failure. The end years in Los Angeles were pretty unhappy times. It was the year 2001. My then wife—now ex-wife—gave me an ultimatum, your family or Hollywood. She had moved with my boys to her home of Oklahoma and if I wanted to save my marriage I would leave my dreams behind. It was an excruciating but easy decision. I loved her then and I loved my kids so I left. I often tell people I went through more culture shock going from California to Oklahoma then I did when I moved from Oklahoma to Taiwan. Its strange but true. The move away from Los Angeles is where I rededicated my identity to my family. In doing this Christ became a larger part of my identity, but still not the #1. My family was #1. Since I was going to abandon my career (or so I thought) I resolved to be the best husband and the best father that I could possibly be. I think that God honored that. While my spiritual walk wasn’t as intense as it is at this moment, It was far more intense than it was with the little compromises that I would continually make in California. God blessed us so much. It was 18 months later when we were called as a family to be missionaries in Taiwan. That was the second best year of my life (behind only last year’s 2010). God blessed me because I was straightening out both my priorities and thereby my identity.
Soon after that, I felt called to Saudi Arabia. I thought the Middle East was a war zone so I was uncomfortable bringing the family at first. God clearly spoke to me in Black and White with 100% crystal clear clarity that I was supposed to go. I wanted to go alone to make sure it was safe to bring the family. The first night there I had to scan the highways because I was certain in the dead of night a bunch of terrorists with a rocket propelled grenade might be just waiting to abduct me. It was a very surreal and foolish feeling. I was scared and lonely. I missed my family so much.
In hindsight what God was doing was again changing my identity. Instead of being so identified with being a husband and a father, he wanted my identity instead to be as His Child first and foremost. God is a jealous God and he doesn’t want anything or anyone to come before Him. God incredibly blessed me despite very tough circumstances. That year of 2005 was easily the worst year of my life even though my intimacy with God was growing exponentially. About halfway through my then wife decided she wanted a new identity. So no matter what I did she was determined to have this new identity without me. I never tried anything harder or longer than to save my marriage and my family. I and dozens of friends and family fervently prayed for three years for a change of heart. I would often pray 2-3 hours a day. I called Charles Stanley and CBN’s phone prayer line everyday for two years straight. Then it ultimately hit and I was unfortunately divorced. It takes two to make a marriage…one to end it. So really I was in a helpless situation. Those that read this blog and know me best know I harp on this a lot. I do so in order to be an encouragement to others that might be going through something similar. I know firsthand that this blog has aided in the preservation of several marriages. Its worth it in that respect. But as my life goes on the mention of this is becoming less frequent. The pain, anguish, and living hell was so real then. I honestly thought and believed that I probably would never be able to smile again (not an exaggeration or to be melodramatic.) The problem was that I was losing my identity again. I had spent the past 6 years trying to be the best father and husband that I could be and in the blink of an eye (literally overnight) it was gone. But here’s the good part, God broke me down to nothingness so he could build me up with the sole Identity of being a “child of the King.” Looking back the year of loneliness was preparation. God could see into the heart of my ex-wife and he knew what was coming around the corner for me. I seriously had no clue. If she would have divorced me when we still lived together I probably would have suffered some sort of mental breakdown or at least needed medication. But God prepared me for one year to live alone with Him being my best friend and companion. God prepared me ahead of time for the storm that he knew was coming my way. My identity was finally to the point where it always should have been. I was a Christian and I was going to tell the world about it through words spoken and written. God helped me close that chapter in my life started a new one with an identity solely in him.
My relationship with my children slowly dwindled away to nothingness I was no longer even a father, the one thing that I cherished the most. This was and still is incredibly difficult to deal with. My only identity that was left for me was in Christ. I found or learned that renewed identity was enough. Friends would often call me to see how I was doing because they knew the hardships I was enduring. Even though nothing was going my way, I still had an undeniable sense of peace and joy. It didn’t make any sense. I shouldn’t have been happy, but for some reason I was.
While embracing this identity God gave me yet another one. This is when I went to Bahrain in 2008. I was a lay missionary to the Middle East. I loved this identity of being Christian halfway around the world in a different and exotic country. My life was an adventure and I embraced this identity. I felt so incredibly blessed, I was a leader, pioneer, friend, blogger, and I got to see the world and inspire others at the same time. It was a very cool identity one I felt extremely honored to carry. But still I was lonely and God saw that. In the midst of my Bahrain tour he brought the most wonderful woman possible into my life in Jennifer. Finally I was the guy who stopped bemoaning his divorced status and embraced his newly married status. Even I am sick of talking about that part of my past. Really there is no more need to talk about it since I have Jennifer though I still make reference to it periodically. I still bemoan the loss of my children primarily but that will change someday too. I do talk about it through this blog because its still part of my testimony of God’s grace and faithfulness.
So who am I now? Im child of the King first and foremost. If I would have kept that attitude earlier in life Im certain things would have turned out differently. But “You can’t unscramble eggs but God can make a beautiful omellette out of them.” – John Osteen So now I have to re-identify myself in so many ways. Im a husband, and going to be a father again. That is the identity I am now clinging to. Its been a very hard couple of weeks at work as I have decided to leave The Middle East and return to the US to be with Jennifer. Its good to be with Jennifer but hard to embrace yet another identity. This is a totally God inspired decision. But it was difficult for me emotionally transitioning from “The lay missionary, former Hollywood Director and adventurer to back being an American Husband and Father again. I was a little intimidated at first because I think I forgot how to do those things. I don’t know how to live a normal domestic life anymore. Whenever I was in the US it was always in a state of transition. So I was a little hesitant at first but the timing is undeniably God. We were waiting on a big decision for my company in Dubai. It was a fleece of sorts. That morning, I got a very good lead on some work in NC. I took that as a sign to be proactive and that God was indeed continuing to direct my steps. So Im headed back to the US again. Will it be a permanent move? I have no idea, but Im going to try to be grounded. But again, I will let God direct my steps, he has not led me astray thus far. While Im back I am hoping to see my children a little more. I haven’t spoken to them for six months (I call but they will not take nor return my calls). I miss them like crazy.
The intimidation of embracing yet other identity is a little bit daunting. But I want to do it. I am pretty good at learning from my mistakes. So this time around Im determined to keep my identity and priorities straight. At this moment I am flying halfway across the Atlantic on my way to Raleigh. I am so anxious for the plane to land. Not because I don’t like flying because I do. But for the first time in a long long time I can’t wait to run into the arms of the person waiting for me at the other side. The anticipation is incredible, but I still have four hours to go. I am a pretty lucky guy. And I’ll do my best not to have any more identity crises in the future.
