Rick Beeman

  I mentioned yesterday that I was struggling with NOT wanting to get my hopes up and how that was contradictory to my faith. If I’m praying for something shouldn’t I naturally get my hopes up for it?  I’m a little bit jaded emotionally because I am tired of heartbreak and I don’t want to be hurt or go through that pain again.  So I’m emotionally insulating myself, but is that the right thing to do?  God instructs that if you have enough faith you can move a mountain.  I’ve never been able to move mountains so I guess I must be deficient in the faith department.  Or at times I feel like I am.  Then something peculiar or fantastic happened this morning depending on your point of view.  I mention all the time how God speaks to me. Well not only me, but He speaks to all of us.  I believe I’m called to help other people hear God’s voice.  Yet I haven’t been banging that drum recently because some of things I felt as if He told me have not co...

  Well I had two good/not so horrible days in a row.  Now I start a new streak tomorrow.  How is that for an optimistic way of saying I had a bad day.  Again, I’m trying to be vulnerable right now, but I’m not looking for sympathy.  I’m trying to be transparent because society conditions us to put on masks of accomplishment hiding any vulnerabilities that we might have.  I’m here to help lead the charge that it’s ok to share weakness.  If the world did more of showing vulnerability, maybe we could share more empathy with each other rather than compete with each other.  If you are hurting, lonely, depressed you are not alone.  There are millions of us out there in that same situation but we’ve been conditioned to hide it.  This isolates us in thinking that we are the only one with the problem(s) and everyone else out there is normal or has it better than us.  I used to be so obsessed with what people thought of me. My insecurities st...

  Two good days in a row…awesome. When I say “good” I think I need to explain how the definition of good is entirely subjective.  It’s meaning has changed quickly in my life.  To me “good” days means days that weren’t awful.  I am starting to string a few of these together.  I felt moments of joy return to my life in fleeting moments.  I’ve mentioned before the difference I’m feeling between happiness and joy.  Happiness is circumstantial whereas Joy is not.  Nothing big happened that would cause me to have a great day, but it was satisfying nonetheless.  In the months of darkness and heaviness I’ve experienced in the last year, it was a welcome respite.   Today was a teacher work day.  I was able to Telework so I didn’t have to do my long drive into school.  I also made sure I got all my work done on Saturday and this morning so I could have my afternoon free.  I’m really digging the teaching schedule.  I should...

  It dawned on me earlier today.  I’ve been married for more than half of my life.  Now this might not seem like a great accomplishment for those of you that are over 50 and have had one marriage to your name (which is the way God designed it to be…but I digress).  I have two 15 year marriages and I just turned 57.  So more than half my life was spent with the responsibility of being a husband/father.  One of the ways I’ve tried to live my life was putting other people’s needs ahead of my own for most of the time.  That’s been the ideal anyway.  So when you’re in a God centered marriage, God comes first, wife second, children 3rd, occupation 4th, then the rest you can fill in according to your convictions.  So more than half my life I’ve tried to put my wife’s/family needs ahead of my own.  So much so in fact that I didn’t have a life/identity outside of being a family man.  That is taking it’s toll on my identity now that I’m separ...

It might not seem like it at first glance, but I feel like I’m turning a corner.  Yesterday’s post I was wallowing in loneliness and despair, yet today I feel better.  The spots of despair are becoming lessened while the spots of peace are becoming lengthened.  This doesn’t mean that I won’t have my bad days, its just that the horrible days are finally becoming fewer and farther between.  I’m not 50-50 between despair and peace just yet.  But by my unscientific calculations (guess) I am 25% Peace and 75% despair.  That might not seem like much but for months it was 5% peace to 95% despair with some days being as low as 1-2% peace.  You see I really love(d) my wife/family. Having them ripped away (I realize that it was my doing) felt like my skin being ripped away emotionally speaking. Those were rough times which I NEVER want to experience again.  So even from going from 5% to 25% is a marked improvement and I’ll take it.  Hopefully tomorrow ...