Rick Beeman

  It’s been a really difficult week for me. Growing up in the church, I was taught from a young age that if you believe hard enough you can pray anything into existence.  Mountain into the sea? No problem, it just takes the faith of the mustard seed (which is tiny.)  Well I’ve been praying, praying praying for my situation to change.  I came to the realization that no matter how hard I pray or for how long, no matter how much faith I have, my situation might not change. That hurt and it hurt bad.   This slow realization (I’ve been in denial a lot, thinking my faith would pull me through) that my situation might not change hit me hard this week.  The emotional pain was palpable.  Despite my grief and my temporary darkness, I’m one of the happiest and most positive people you’ll ever meet.  At least I try to come across that way.  I feel like I haven’t been “me” for a year now.  There will be moments of levity but it’s been a struggle....

  Inexplicable Hope The surge hit me around 11a, seemingly out of nowhere.  I’ve chronicled the last couple of days have been tough.  I’m really missing my family and grieving at the same time.  This is always made worse after I have the kids and then I have to return them. It’s the extreme of amazing joy to instant sorrow.  It’s quite bizarre really.     It was a remote learning day again for school.  So I stayed up late on Monday doing most of my work so I could have a more relaxing Tuesday.   After I finished the remote learning assignments I headed to the gym at 9:30p.  Why, because I could.  I hadn’t worked out for a couple of days so I wanted to try to make up for lost time.  A new 24/7 Planet Fitness Gym opened really close to my house so it’s very convenient.  Plus, It’s covered under my insurance plan…Win! Normally when I sleep my 10 lb bed hog of a dog Snoopy  sleeps curled up right next to me, I c...

  I feel as if I’m on a roller coaster of emotion.  I had such a spectacular 3 days with my girls.  The thing is, because of the separation my time with them is limited.  So I’m learning to maximize every moment that I have.  I know I should have been doing this all along.    My focus is only on them so I don’t bother writing in the blog or exercising or doing anything else that I normally do when I am alone. Now that I’ve returned them I’m back to feeling alone again.  As high as my high for the past three days was, I’m trying to avoid the low of loneliness.  I know God is there for me and I’ll embrace Him but now I’m just feeling the raw emotion of loss.  It sucks.  So let me recount the good from this past weekend and hopefully that will lift my spirits.   I got the girls on Friday and we like to plan out the weekend’s meals. They like to eat healthy, something I don’t do as much as I should when I’m alone.   ...

  By all accounts I should be an absolute mess right now.  Perhaps tomorrow I will be.  But for today, I’m filled with such an uneasy peace that doesn’t really make much logical sense.  It has been an incredibly difficult week emotionally speaking.  My greatest fear in life is happening right before my eyes.  It’s like a slow moving car crash that I’m unable to do anything about as much as I try.  If I would have been in this position just six months ago, I probably would’ve needed some type of anti-depression medication just to survive.  For now, the sense of unease is palatable because at this point it seemingly seems unavoidable.  My wife and I are in the process of separating all of our shared accounts, divesting financially and socially of our all our family connections, assets come next.  Think of getting off netflix, insurance, phone plans.  So this separation is getting real.  It went from Theoretical to Practical this ...

  I had such a wonderful time with my girls this past weekend.  It’s been a few days since I blogged because I was trying to keep my focus and every minute of my day on them. I don’t have them as much as i’d like so each moment with them is precious.   We didn’t really do anything either.  I think we just enjoyed each other’s company.  I always have a bit of a downer whenever they go back home but this is a little different.  This is my new reality.  I just have to learn to accept it.  There is nothing I can do to fix this situation.  The only thing I can do is make it worse.  I’ve been taking the necessary steps in self-development and discovery to ensure that backwards steps don’t happen.  I am blessed with three remarkable girls that each are absolutely unique.  It’s pretty amazing how ideal they all are.  I am so very proud of them.  What sucks about this whole situation is that they are the victims in this (as al...

  HOPE, a seemingly simple four letter word that is just as important as oxygen for us to live. Where would be without Hope.  I know I’ve spent the majority of the last year without hope.  Seemingly my life as I knew it ceased to exist and there didn’t seem like much hope for the future.  Without Hope, I simply felt despair.  But I have the unique vantage point of experience.  I have been through this type of desolation before, even worse probably in some aspects not as bad in others.  There was a time in 2009 in the midst of my divorce that I seriously considered that I would NEVER be happy ever again.  I rationalized that my new normal would be filled with pain, loneliness and solitude.  I would simply have to learn to live with the emotional and psychological hell on earth.  The moments I went through some 20 years ago give me a chill when I think about it.  If I were to recount some of the horrific details you would shudder....

  Four good to great days in a row!  That has to be some sort of 2025 record. I’ll take it.  I’m stacking wins so when the depressing days roll in, I’ll have enough joy in bank account to make a withdrawal to see me through for the next time depression hits.  I battled it a bit last night as the “Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood” kicked in.  That just means I really miss my family when they are not around.  But I turned to my faith and cried out to God.  What made it even more challenging (superficial I know) the Raiders lost another heart breaker last night on a failed 2 point conversion try in overtime.  I wish I didn’t root for them but they symbolize my childhood and I’m pretty darn loyal even to my detriment.  It’s funny, all the teams I rooted for as a child from Oakland, Raiders, A’s, and Warriors have all relocated. I can’t blame them too much because I relocated away as well.   One good thing about my situation in be...

  I haven’t written in awhile, because I was trying to be completely present for my girls and I was.  I only have them for about 15% of the month so I try to savor each moment with them.  On Friday (Halloween) my wife invited me over for Trick or Treating at their house.  It was the first time I’ve been in the house since the separation.  It was strange.  I brought pizzas (My teenager had a sleepover party)  and a back up bag of candy.  It was surreal being back in the house.  My dog and my youngest were thrilled to have me back.  I was trying to temper my excitement the best I could.  It felt as If I were part of a family again, even for a few brief moments.  I had to keep reminding myself not to get my hopes up, and I failed in that department.  I’m a dreamer.   It seems as if our neighborhood is a halloween hub.  We have a ton of trick or treaters.  My job has always been to sit on the porch and make...

  I mentioned yesterday that I was struggling with NOT wanting to get my hopes up and how that was contradictory to my faith. If I’m praying for something shouldn’t I naturally get my hopes up for it?  I’m a little bit jaded emotionally because I am tired of heartbreak and I don’t want to be hurt or go through that pain again.  So I’m emotionally insulating myself, but is that the right thing to do?  God instructs that if you have enough faith you can move a mountain.  I’ve never been able to move mountains so I guess I must be deficient in the faith department.  Or at times I feel like I am.  Then something peculiar or fantastic happened this morning depending on your point of view.  I mention all the time how God speaks to me. Well not only me, but He speaks to all of us.  I believe I’m called to help other people hear God’s voice.  Yet I haven’t been banging that drum recently because some of things I felt as if He told me have not co...

  Well I had two good/not so horrible days in a row.  Now I start a new streak tomorrow.  How is that for an optimistic way of saying I had a bad day.  Again, I’m trying to be vulnerable right now, but I’m not looking for sympathy.  I’m trying to be transparent because society conditions us to put on masks of accomplishment hiding any vulnerabilities that we might have.  I’m here to help lead the charge that it’s ok to share weakness.  If the world did more of showing vulnerability, maybe we could share more empathy with each other rather than compete with each other.  If you are hurting, lonely, depressed you are not alone.  There are millions of us out there in that same situation but we’ve been conditioned to hide it.  This isolates us in thinking that we are the only one with the problem(s) and everyone else out there is normal or has it better than us.  I used to be so obsessed with what people thought of me. My insecurities st...

  Two good days in a row…awesome. When I say “good” I think I need to explain how the definition of good is entirely subjective.  It’s meaning has changed quickly in my life.  To me “good” days means days that weren’t awful.  I am starting to string a few of these together.  I felt moments of joy return to my life in fleeting moments.  I’ve mentioned before the difference I’m feeling between happiness and joy.  Happiness is circumstantial whereas Joy is not.  Nothing big happened that would cause me to have a great day, but it was satisfying nonetheless.  In the months of darkness and heaviness I’ve experienced in the last year, it was a welcome respite.   Today was a teacher work day.  I was able to Telework so I didn’t have to do my long drive into school.  I also made sure I got all my work done on Saturday and this morning so I could have my afternoon free.  I’m really digging the teaching schedule.  I should...

  It dawned on me earlier today.  I’ve been married for more than half of my life.  Now this might not seem like a great accomplishment for those of you that are over 50 and have had one marriage to your name (which is the way God designed it to be…but I digress).  I have two 15 year marriages and I just turned 57.  So more than half my life was spent with the responsibility of being a husband/father.  One of the ways I’ve tried to live my life was putting other people’s needs ahead of my own for most of the time.  That’s been the ideal anyway.  So when you’re in a God centered marriage, God comes first, wife second, children 3rd, occupation 4th, then the rest you can fill in according to your convictions.  So more than half my life I’ve tried to put my wife’s/family needs ahead of my own.  So much so in fact that I didn’t have a life/identity outside of being a family man.  That is taking it’s toll on my identity now that I’m separ...