Three loud, awesome, and messy days followed by unwanted quiet and cleanliness

 I feel as if I’m on a roller coaster of emotion.  I had such a spectacular 3 days with my girls.  The thing is, because of the separation my time with them is limited.  So I’m learning to maximize every moment that I have.  I know I should have been doing this all along.    My focus is only on them so I don’t bother writing in the blog or exercising or doing anything else that I normally do when I am alone. Now that I’ve returned them I’m back to feeling alone again.  As high as my high for the past three days was, I’m trying to avoid the low of loneliness.  I know God is there for me and I’ll embrace Him but now I’m just feeling the raw emotion of loss.  It sucks.  So let me recount the good from this past weekend and hopefully that will lift my spirits.  

I got the girls on Friday and we like to plan out the weekend’s meals. They like to eat healthy, something I don’t do as much as I should when I’m alone.    So V my youngest and I usually go to Costco to get groceries.  I love hanging out with them but I also don’t want to force myself.  My teenagers would rather stay home and be on their devices than grocery shop with Dad.  But my youngest likes being with me no matter what we do.  I love love love that.  After shopping we came back with dinner and watched a movie together.  There was a sense of anticipation all weekend for the upcoming winter storm.  One thing that surprised me is that my girls love playing games together, specifically Aggravation.  This is a special game for me as everytime we play it I’m reminded of my grandfather who handcrafted our playing board.  He loved that game and it’s one of my fondest memories of him.  Now I get to share that with my girls and they seem to love it as much as I do.  My youngest used to sleep with my oldest but she doesn’t want to be away from me at all.  So she prefers to sleep in my room on two blankets on the floor in front of the bed.  She insists she’s perfectly comfortable and happy in doing so.  She likes to wake me up in the morning poking me and informing me that she is hungry. She then bargains with me when we’ll be able to get up.   We then usually just wrestle the dog on the bed.  

My thing is I love making breakfast for the girls.  Whether its bacon and eggs or home made waffles.  They love whipped cream squirted in their mouth before they affix it to their waffles.  I always spray/pour/foam too much so they start laughing and can’t close their mouths.  We played another game of aggravation, watched another movie and waited for the snow start.  It seems like it snowed everywhere but near us at first.    The snow finally blanketed us in the middle of Saturday night and it was glorious.  We woke up to the roads covered.  It was quite exciting.  We watched an online church service together then went out to play in the snow.  The girls brought their sleds.  As cold as it was this past weekend, we spent a great deal of time outside.  Combined with the board games and cooking/eating together helped me be more lenient with their screen time.  All three would spend hours everyday on their respective devices and be perfectly content if allowed.  I could not let that happen of course.  So we mixed in a great balance.  I got an extra bonus day with the girls as schools were closed today (Monday).  Again I cherish each moment, especially the bonus ones that I get with them. 

I was dreading returning the girls because when I have them I sometimes forget that I am separated from their mother.  It feels like a family again for me.  But reality eventually crashed in and I had to face it.  My oldest wanted to keep the dog even though I selfishly wanted to keep him to myself.  It’s not fair to her, her sisters or the dog for me to keep him.  He’s alone far too often when he is with me.  That gnaws at me.  

So now that I’m alone again, I have to get back on my routine.  Vigorous exercise, increased devotion and prayer time, working on projects and trying to become comfortable with my unwanted reality.  Psalm 37:11 teaches us “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  When I’m with my girls it’s easy to delight in him.  Joy and laughter and prevalent in my house that is largely devoid of that and very quiet.  God will honor my efforts I know.  I just hope it’s sooner rather than later.  God is control.  I have to continue to trust Him.  

I feel better after writing this.  It’s the old Joel Osteen trick, “Focus on what you have, not what you don’t have.”  While I might not have the girls at the moment, I have three wonderful days of memories to fuel me until I get them again.  I’m thankful for that.