Rick Beeman

  The more and more time that passes the more I am accepting of my reality that this is my new normal. Does that mean I’m happy about it?  Heck No!  But with acceptance that I cannot change my reality comes peace.  Perhaps I’m over the grieving phase of my loss moving directly into the acceptance phase.  The five stages of grief if I need to remind you (I had to remind myself): The five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I went through the first four kicking and screaming.  Now I’m rounding into acceptance and I was tested on it today.  I had a great week.  Even a fabulous week.  Did I win the lottery, reconcile? Or get a promotion?  No, what made it a fabulous week was simply my attitude.  Something that was entirely in my control.  Event wise it was a fairly non-chalant week.  I did have my daughters to look forward to this weekend so that always helps.  But the weekend did not quite go a...

  I have really been on a roll lately.  It’s getting to the point where it’s getting more and more difficult to remember when I had my last bad day.  I’m going to ride this wave as long as I can.  It’s not just stringing together good days, it’s stringing together great to fabulous days.  I’m cheating a bit because I’ve been extremely happy this past weekend but it’s been circumstantial.  I think every once in awhile that’s ok especially when it’s back up with peace and joy.    I have my girls this weekend and that always brings me so much joy.  Ideally I’d love my entire family back but I’ll take what I can get.  I mentioned a couple of days ago my change in perspective.  I think that has been the major reversal with my point of view.  I might not like the current circumstances of my living alone but I don’t have a choice in it.  So instead I’m learning how to accept it embrace it even.  I’m learning how to make the ...

  Throughout this whole solitude thing I’ve had a lot of time for self-reflection and a whole lot of time in therapy. I’ve grown through the angst.  I have also come up with a lot of realizations about myself.  For those that know me best it’s quite obvious.  Amongst many other things is that I have an addictive personality.  That means it’s really easy for me to get hooked on processes as I search for a dopamine rush for a dopamine deficiency.  According to our friends at Chat GPT this is the definition of Dopamine: Dopamine is a neurotransmitter —a chemical messenger in the brain—that helps regulate movement, motivation, reward, and mood .  When something feels enjoyable or motivating, dopamine is one of the key chemicals involved. It also plays important roles in learning, attention, and controlling voluntary movement. I have a predisposition for addictive behavior because of my ADD.  My running joke is that I used to have ADHD but I got too o...

  Something unique happened to me today that I don’t remember ever happening before. I was thinking about my day around mid-day.  I determined that it had been a pretty good day thus far.  Then a thought popped into my head.  What if I made it a great day?  And just like that I determined that I would try to make it a great day.  And guess what…it worked.  Now nothing spectacular or out of the ordinary happened.  Instead I willfully tried to change my perception of the events that had unfolded/were unfolding/were about to unfold.  For some reason my good day became a great day.   Is life that easy that you can willfully change your perception/perspective like a superpower? By the power of thought can you really transform your day from bad to good or good to great?  I don’t know.  In all of my 57 years I had never tried this before. My day/week/month/year was either good, bad or neutral and I was powerless to do anything about i...

  It’s another good day.  This is starting to be the trend.  Again, nothing out of the ordinary happened to me today.  But nothing bad happened today either.  I think it is just a matter of me accepting my reality of being alone.  I can’t do anything in my power to change anything at the moment.  The only thing I can control is how I respond to it.  At first the grief, despair and solitude were quite overwhelming.  Those emotions are still there but I’m responding differently.  I believe it has largely to do with my faith.  I’m just trusting God through all of this.  I know it sounds cliche but I can’t look at 8 months from now and wonder what is going to happen.  I can only look at tomorrow.  I have no idea what the future will hold.  I continue to pray but God doesn’t always answer my prayers in the manner in which I ask.  It’s either Yes, No, or not yet.  It’s the “not yet” that is the hard part....

  4 out of 5 therapists recommend 4 out 5 great days for their patients as opposed to stinking lousy, miserable lonely days.  So that’s a cool way of saying I had another great day.  BTW, the whole “ Four out of five dentists surveyed recommend sugarless gum for their patients who chew gum”, I want to meet that 5th dentist. What was he/she/they thinking? I was actually very happy today because my circumstances dictated as much.  To back that up with peace and joy, it was fabulous all around.  I had the day off for Veteran’s Day.  Thank you Veteran’s.  I had several uncles in World War II (Uncle Bob, Tom, Jack (I think) on my father’s side.  My father was in the ill-fated Bay of Pigs.  I think he was a cook.  I don’t remember him ever cooking at home, but he did man pretty good grill.  He ALWAYS undercooked the steaks because that’s how he liked them. My mother always made him go back to cook them some more.   I did a special vi...

  It was bound to happen eventually.  I knew I couldn’t keep my remarkable (for me) streak of three great days in a row going.  But there is a silver lining.  This still was a pretty good day.  Nothing remarkable or out of the ordinary happened.  Although I’m looking forward to a bonus Veteran’s Day holiday off tomorrow.  So what makes me hopeful and optimistic, is I’m hoping this level is my new normal.  I’m filled with peace and joy today even though nothing really good or great happened.  If I did indeed turn a corner and this is my reality, then I can learn to accept that.  Things of course will get better in the future when circumstances can help dictate happiness. And when I can combine happiness with the foundation of peace and joy….man that is really living.    But If I can keep this baseline of Peace and Joy when nothing is happening, I’ll take that as a win. It sure seems better than the alternative. Being down in the...

  STOP THE PRESSES: TWO GREAT DAYS IN A ROW!  Does that reference mean anything anymore?  My first actual job was working at a newspaper (Daily Review) when I was 12 years old. I was the last person (I think) to ever sell newspapers outside a subway station (Hayward BART) think Newsies.  The Late Dennis Richmond always bought a paper from me on his way to host the KTVU Newscast.  Then I worked at the actual newspaper stuffing advertising inserts together for the Sunday paper.  I had a good work ethic when I was 12-14.  I knew my dad was rich, but I didn’t want to be considered the spoiled Rich Kid so I worked as hard as I could to save up for a nice car.  The car wound up being a used 1982 Camaro.  So Stop the Presses might be a phrase from a bygone era that younger generations might not know about. Phrases that might include “Don’t Touch that Dial”, “Hang up the phone,” or “Be Kind Rewind”   So I am burying the lead (Another bygone phra...

  Today was not a good day. It was a great day.  How often have I been able to say that in 2025?  Not much.  For the first time in long time I like my life.  I’ve been trying to be very transparent with you readers, myself and God.  I’ve cried out plenty of times that I didn’t like the way things were going in my life. Hope has been pretty scarce as I battle my grief and miss my wife and family.    What has kept my head above water is knowing that this is all temporary.  I know that God is faithful and He has good things in store for me as long as I’m faithful.  I have been faithful for awhile now.  I also know there is nothing else I can do for my family at the moment except be present when I have them and to Seek God first.  I’m doing that and I’m expecting God’s rewards soon because He always keeps his promises.   I woke up again with a heaviness all around me.  This is the third time this week.  I do bel...

  I feel as if I am in a spiritual and psychological battle with an In his prime Mike Tyson. I’m trying to withstand the heavy blows. This morning I woke up with such a heaviness that was pretty inexplicable.  I make a habit of the first thing that comes out of my mouth (outloud) after the alarm bell rings is “This is the day the Lord has made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it.”  Its a good way to start out the day.  Since I’m alone most of the time I just talk out loud to God like someone you are having a conversation with.  It’s not awkward when you are by yourself.  I’m also quite honest with Him.  Like God I don’t like this…or God I’m lonely…or God I need hope.  I also throw in a lot of praise and thanksgiving in order to balance it out.  Sometimes God answers in pretty cool ways, often times he does not.  That’s the time where there is one set of footprints in the sand. iykyk This morning on my commute into work I just felt th...

It was another good day. Nothing spectacular happened today to make it good and maybe that is why it is good.  I want these types of days to be the norm, not the exception.  I’m still filled with Hope.  Why is there anything happening?  Is there something to look forward to?  Not really other than unexpectedly seeing my daughter for an extra unplanned weekend.  My hope is from the Lord.  I’ve been singing this Psalm 121 all day long:   1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—  where does my help come from? 2 My help comes from the Lord,  the Maker of heaven and earth. 3 He will not let your foot slip—  he who watches over you will not slumber; 4 indeed, he who watches over Israel  will neither slumber nor sleep. 5 The Lord watches over you—  the Lord is your shade at your right hand; 6 the sun will not harm you by day,  nor the moon by night. 7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—  he will watch over your life; 8 the Lord will watch over your c...

  Four good to great days in a row!  That has to be some sort of 2025 record. I’ll take it.  I’m stacking wins so when the depressing days roll in, I’ll have enough joy in bank account to make a withdrawal to see me through for the next time depression hits.  I battled it a bit last night as the “Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood” kicked in.  That just means I really miss my family when they are not around.  But I turned to my faith and cried out to God.  What made it even more challenging (superficial I know) the Raiders lost another heart breaker last night on a failed 2 point conversion try in overtime.  I wish I didn’t root for them but they symbolize my childhood and I’m pretty darn loyal even to my detriment.  It’s funny, all the teams I rooted for as a child from Oakland, Raiders, A’s, and Warriors have all relocated. I can’t blame them too much because I relocated away as well.   One good thing about my situation in be...

  I haven’t written in awhile, because I was trying to be completely present for my girls and I was.  I only have them for about 15% of the month so I try to savor each moment with them.  On Friday (Halloween) my wife invited me over for Trick or Treating at their house.  It was the first time I’ve been in the house since the separation.  It was strange.  I brought pizzas (My teenager had a sleepover party)  and a back up bag of candy.  It was surreal being back in the house.  My dog and my youngest were thrilled to have me back.  I was trying to temper my excitement the best I could.  It felt as If I were part of a family again, even for a few brief moments.  I had to keep reminding myself not to get my hopes up, and I failed in that department.  I’m a dreamer.   It seems as if our neighborhood is a halloween hub.  We have a ton of trick or treaters.  My job has always been to sit on the porch and make...