Comfort in the Discomfort

 I am getting comfortable sitting in my discomfort. I was able to make it out today to go exercise after nearly 2 days of being iced in.  For my fear of abandonment issues and my distaste of being alone, I managed fairly well.  I actually had a few moments of joy thrown in there as well.  I have to slowly retrain my brain into my new reality.  I don’t want to embrace it but I also don’t want to mope around for the rest of my life. Feeling sorry for yourself only traps you further into the muck of despair and discontent.  Instead of fighting for yesterday I am attempting to embrace tomorrow.  Along the way I have to be at peace for today.  It’s all a bit poetic but it seems to be working little by little.  I am living out the serenity prayer in real time.  “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.  With a few setbacks every now and then, I’m finding I have more joy than I did the day before.  I am trending in the right direction.  Do I miss yesterday, of course I do.  I miss my family desperately.  But missing them and longing for what used to be isn’t going to make everything magically revert.   I’m praying like crazy.  But I’ve found the more I pray the more God adjusts me to accept my reality. God changes me through prayer not necessarily my circumstances.   There have been a few common themes with my prayers which I seem to be praying constantly.  I pray for God to direct my steps.  I pray for God to align the desires of my heart with His will.  I also pray for God to reveal Himself to my family.  No matter what the future might hold I think with those prayers I can’t go wrong.  This is amongst many other things I pray.  I found I’m not that lonely even though I’m alone because I am constantly talking to God.  Maybe my neighbors think I’m schizophrenic.  

After a fairly productive morning of sleeping in and logging in to work remotely, I was able to venture out once the ice melted away. I also have had my dog the last couple of days, that helps with the loneliness.  I do feel guilty keeping him from my daughters but they have another dog now.  It’s nice coming home for something that is excited to see you.    It felt great to get back in the gym.  I was a bit hesitant to go back after the procedure on my knee.  But It did feel good.  I’m in a pretty healthy routine right now. (I don’t have the greatest eating habits but one mountain at a time.)   My life is far from perfect but It’s not miserable like it was in September.  I look forward to each day now rather than rue it.  Now this next part is entirely due to my faith.  I can genuinely say I’m excited for what the future holds for me.  My life can go in a myriad of different directions.  But I know now that I have my spiritual priorities in order that whatever path my life goes, it will lead to even more peace and joy.  I think that is what I discovered over this hellish journey I’ve been on for the past year.  If I can experience God’s peace in the darkest of times how much sweeter that peace will feel when times become good again.  I find extreme comfort in Psalm 91 as I’ve been walking it recently.  

Psalm 91: 1. He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High

shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

2. I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress:

my God; in him will I trust.

3. Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler,

and from the noisome pestilence.

4. He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust:

his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.

5. Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night;

nor for the arrow that flieth by day;

6. Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness;

nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.

7. A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand;

but it shall not come nigh thee.

It’s an important distinction in V. 5 You shall not be afraid of the terror by night.  It does NOT say there will be NO terror.  Instead it just says you won’t be afraid of it.  That is where the growth occurred for me.  I have lost my family or at least the family/life  that I used to know.  That was always my greatest fear in life.  But now that it has happened, I’m not afraid it anymore.  That might seem a bit simple coming after the fact but I’m not afraid of losing what I used to have.  Is this loss permanent?  Maybe, It’s out of my control.  But being paranoid about the future doesn’t paralyze me anymore.  There are moments where grief washes over me like a huge wave.  I’m learning to sit and be still in that wave as it washes over me.  Im not content in the wave of grief but I know that it will pass. I just have to hold my breath until it does pass.  I found a neat tangible coping strategy, Sleep.  It sounds simple but it works.  If I’m depressed I’m going to bed earliy knowing tomorrow will be a brighter day.    There are certain to be more storms on the horizon but I’ll face them head on rather than try to circumvent them.  I cannot do this on my own strength or merit. Rather it’s the strength I receive from the Lord that allows me to survive.  So maybe that is the good that can come out of this.  I know I’m stronger spiritually than I was last year.  I just wish I could have learned all of this an easier way without harming my precious children.  I feel incredibly guilty about the pain I caused my family with my selfish choices.    I can no longer change yesterday, but I can be the best Man of God and father I can be for today and tomorrow.  That is where I will remain.