Shadrach, Meshac, Abendego and Beeman

 It has been a really hard week/month/year. I mentioned yesterday about the Spiritual Novocaine that has sustained my peace through a very trying time.  I’m still trying to balance hope amidst the growing reality that encompasses me.  It’s a delicate balance to keep my hopes up while not getting my hopes too far up.  Seems confusing?  Welcome to my life.  I’ve been so disappointed in my own actions which in part led to my present circumstances.  So I guess I’m trying to protect myself from even more disappointments.  I’m hoping this is rock bottom.  I just am loathe to discover if there are any sublevels to rock bottom.  I remember going through my first divorce.  Every time I thought I hit rock bottom there were still a few more sub-levels which I stumbled to.  The difference this time, instead of praying for restoration, which I am, I am instead focusing my prayers on seeking God at every opportunity.  My faith is wholly focused on above.  Man is fallible but God is not.  

Im still stunned from the Spiritual Novacaine which I experienced this week.  Emotionally and psychologically these past 7 days have been horrible.  Yet, I had a really good week filled with Hope, Joy and Peace.  That just sounds crazy, almost irresponsible but it’s the truth.  I imagine that’s what Shadrach, Meshac, and Abendego (Daniel chapter 3) must have felt as they were thrown in Nebuchadnezzar's furnace.  They should have been burnt to a crisp but were kept from the flames by God’s grace.  That’s what I’m experiencing in real time and it’s bizarre.  So I thought the novocaine would wear off and I’d feel the emotional pain and be hurting today.  Yet it did not happen.  I am emotionally numb right now.  Considering the alternative, it’s an upgrade and I’ll take it.  Things in my life could be so much worse.  Who knows what the future holds.  Perhaps things will get worse for me.  But I’m not afraid of it getting worse any longer.  It says in Psalms 91:5 “You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day.”  Now it does not say that “There will be NO terror of the night.”  Instead it says you will not be afraid of it.  I think I’m at that level.  As much as I’m trying/hoping/praying to avoid it, my family may indeed be over, but I’m not afraid of it any more.  Do I want that to happen?  Of course not.  Instead God is showing me that whatever the path I am on, I will no longer be afraid because my faith is solely in the Lord and not my circumstances.  Maybe this whole ordeal was to put me in a place where I could recognize God’s sovereignty in my life.  If that’s the case, then this all would have been worth it.  I just wish I could have figured this all out when I was fat and happy.  But God doesn’t always work that way.  It’s a little late but I’m getting it now.  I know there will be brighter days ahead.  I don’t know exactly what those days will look like and that is probably a good thing.  Even given an option of looking into a crystal ball, I wouldn’t do it.  The result might scare me.  Instead I know that wherever I am in 1/5/10/40 years I’ll be peaceful and joyful just as I am in this very moment.  

Thank you dear readers for taking this journey with me by reading.  You make me feel like I’m not alone.  In my present circumstance the company even from a far is so comforting.  I’m kind of a dork with statistics but it fascinates me.  I saw that some people from the Netherlands were reading this blog.  How did this get out there?  I’m grateful for all of you.  I hope through my anguish that you may be encouraged in God’s grace, mercy and provision.  Look at the life of Paul.  By all accounts his life sucked after he converted.  Yet even with all his pain he lived his life with “Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice.”  His perseverance through the hardships has inspired millions through the church.  Now I’m not trying to compare myself to Paul of course.  But He gave the example of how to thrive in the most trying of circumstances.  I don’t know what tomorrow will hold but it’s been another day and it is still well with my soul.