Acting classes begin.

It was a very important day for me today.  The first day of acting classes and I was a bit apprehensive.  I had absolutely no idea who was going to show up or not.  It could have been an absolute failure or a smashing success.  Already the buzz of the class has generated a lot of publicity for KSDi around the island.  We are being branded and that is going to have its long term benefits.  Last night at dinner for example, I met a guy who said…I saw your magazine, I read about your acting classes.  Then I went to Fuddruckers for lunch this afternoon.  As I was leaving a waitress looked at me, and said…are you in Highlights magazine.  I smiled and said yes.  She said, Oh Mr. Beeman we’ve been reading about you.  She then pulled out the magazine from the rack.  She knew my name.  How is that possible?  She knew my name.  People tell me that this new push is creating a lot of buzz on the street.  Its funny and cool to be a part of that talk.  Im hoping to use my new found notoriety/credibility to help spread my world view a little more. 

We had a facility issue so we had to start the children’s classes next week.  I don’t know how many kids will be involved with that.  For the teens, we had about six students.  They were all very enthusiastic.  We really need to add 4 more students to make it work.  I think they will come.  We have just started advertising.  We’ll be in the Gulf Daily News later this week.  Bahrain TV is doing a feature on us.  All this has short term benefits and long term potential. The adult class had about 14 students.  It was very good for a first time group.   Many of the students had never been to an acting school before and since we are the first of our kind on the island, there was this mix of apprehension and excitement.  We had our entire crew there, taping the show.  This is just case I want to turn it into a TV show.  I think I might actually.  It would be great for PR of KSDi to produce a show for Bahrain TV.  There is tons of marketing potential.  The forum of teaching allowed me an incredible platform my worldviews, but I do so very subtly.  I just put myself out there.  There is so much to share, but its already 12:15 and Im just wiped.  Since I was on my toes all evening with both classes, it really drained me physically.  When Im in production I usually have to be very careful, a mental day takes like two physical days in which to recover. 

Crap…I have so much more I want to say…but I’m falling asleep at my keyboard.  I dozed off about 10 times thus far in writing this blog.  Whenever I tax myself mentally, it always wipes me out physically.  I can’t keep my eyes open.  I’ll have to go into more detail in tomorrow’s blog.  It truly was an amazing night, topped off with desert with the beautiful Romanian.  She’s still in love with her boyfriend, but Im learning to be content with no matter what my circumstances.

OK…good night…I’ll write more details in tomorrow’s log.  

Getting thrown out of a kids concert

Woke up this morning and went to breakfast at my favorite little dive.  I took Guy there this time.  I spoke with Ravi the waiter, he always gets excited when I come in to eat.  I order the same thing everytime.   I just order the usual.   Ravi and I spoke about Slumdog Millionaire.  A.R. Rahman the one that composed the music and won the oscar was from his home state in India.  He was going to see Slumdog later in the day.  All the Indian people are very proud that it did so well.  Indians are my favorite culture in the entire world.  They are very kind and gracious.  Because I tip, Ravi always gives me my Diet Cokes for free. 

After breakfast it was off to church.  I am starting to help out with the teens at church.  So I miss the main service.  I figure they need help, and im here to serve.  So it’s a good combination.  I listen to about 8-10 sermons per week on my ipod as it is.  So missing a live service is not a big deal.   As I was talking, one of the kids asked if I was going to be a teacher or a student.  I said student since Im learning along with them.  He replied back, so what are you 16, 17?  I said, 16, just like Benjamin Button, Im going the other way.  No one there had seen that movie, so my wit was lost.  I better get used to that feeling.  I loved being able to share with that age group.  I think the crap that I went through gave me a lot of wisdom I can pass on to the next generation.   Hopefully they can avoid the pain I went through.   Im going to enjoy talking to these kids.  Since I don’t have that type of relationship with my own kids at this moment (not by my choice) maybe these will be good fill in kids. 

I was invited to go to a concert/recital at the British Club.  One of my prospective students was performing and his Mom wanted me to come see him, or if I couldn’t just to drop off a bunch of fliers to the class.  So Guy and I went.  The tickets were $13 each, so I didn’t want to pay that, so I convinced the lady at the British Club to let us in, to just drop the flyers off.  The mother was very excited to see me.  She took Guy and I backstage to greet all the performers.  When they heard the word “Hollywood” they got really excited.  Most of them wanted to take my acting class and that is what I was there for to promote it.  So Guy and sat in back since we were going to stay for a song or two.  But then, the promoter of the event, invited us to sit in the two reserved seats directly front and center.  So we thought there’s no way we can leave early now.  So we sat through most of the performances.  They were actually pretty darn good.  I was very entertained.  Yet two songs from the end, an angry looking Bahraini security guard marched right up to our seats in the middle of a song and demanded to see our tickets. How did he remember us?  The British Club was full of white guys that looked like us.    We explained that we were invited to stay, but he wasn’t going for that.  So as politely as we could, we discreetly snuck out.  When we explained the situation to the girl at the front desk, how we intended to leave but were invited to stay, she was apologetic.  She said we could go back in, but by then it was too late.  We decided just to leave.  I thought as we were leaving…Hey, I’ve been thrown out of nicer clubs than this before. 

Went to a birthday meal at a Mexican Restaurant after that.  I didn’t know many of the people, nor the birthday honoree, but that’s the way these parties work.  It doesn’t matter who invites you, you just show up.  One of the guys there recognized me.  He said, you are starting the acting class aren’t you?  He saw one of the articles.  I love it when that happens.  It makes me feel a little important.  Everyone is really appreciative of what Im trying to accomplish here.  It hasn’t been tried before, so im a bit of a pioneer.  But I have enough people believing in me now.  So it might just work.  The acting classes start tomorrow.  So Im a little bit curious/scared/concerned to see how my people actually show up.  I have a hunch we’ll grow slowly then become very popular. 

By the way…the blog seems to be growing.  Its nice because its growing and I haven’t included any drama from X.  Which is nice and there is a lot of drama but im trying to keep it quiet for my kids sake.  If you like the blog, please feel free to comment or email, I love hearing from you.  I can track who reads it, and its amazing.  I have readers from all five continents.  So if you want to pass this along to someone whom it will encourage, I would love that.  

Meetings meetings meetings

What a busy busy day it was.  I stayed at the office late last night and got a ton of work done.  Then I had a flurry of activity I needed to get done fast.  I love being busy at work.  I had to run out to the Gulf Daily News for an interview.  The Gulf Daily News is the major publication in Bahrain.  It’s the equivalent of the Los Angeles Times for this country.  So after Slumdog Millionaire won, I got kind of aggressive.  I called the newspaper and found the editor.  I told him he needed to do a story about us.  Now Hollywood will be searching for the next Slumdog and I’m trying to position KSDi in the right place to capitilize on this.  It seems like everything is coming together seamlessly right now.  So I made it to the newspaper and it was a large open office, just like the kind of news room I remember from All the President’s Men.  You know, you’d think with all the media experience I have I would have been in a few newsrooms in my day.  I really haven’t been.  Television stations/studios yes, News offices…no.  So we went to the conference room and I was interviewed by a young reporter from the U.K.  He obviously did his homework because he had three pages of questions typed up and prepared for me.  Its different than how I conduct interviews.  I go into interviews with a general idea of what I want to get, and then we just get into a conversation.  Not that either way is bad, but mine has worked for me for over 20 years.  There’s a reason why I can get people to cry…lol. 

So I think the reporter wasn’t expecting the interview to go that long, but I think he was quite fascinated by the whole interaction so we went a little longer than expected.  Now you know Im brutally honest in the these blogs so I’ll continue to do so.  This might sound a bit egotistical and its not meant to be.  But the more I talked, the more I thought “Wow…I talk a good game.”  The question is, can I back it up with action.  I think so.  With each day that passes I get increasingly confident that I can.  But the trick is, I can only do it through the grace of God.  I have to acknowledge that Im nothing without him.  He can just as quickly shut it down as he can make it happen.  In order to get this thing to work, I continuously need God’s favor like Im getting it now.  But by talking a good game, I get people to believe in me.  By believing in me, they can assist me in the goals that I have.  So in a way my faith becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I had to swing by Mo’s after the interview.  We are about embark on a partnership of sorts.  He has a lot of high powered clients.  He wants to start pitching video production to some of his clients.  He likes what we can do at KSDi.  So in a sense if he’s out selling for us…he’s an outside sales rep.  There isn’t much of a downside.  

Finally I had a meeting at the Bahrain School.  My friend Russ teaches there.  So he helped set up an interview with the principal there.  We are trying to encourage some of their students to take our classes.  The school is run by the US department of defense.  The tuition to attend there is $20,000 US per year.  The teachers make $115,000 per year with $34,000 additional for living expenses.  Im thinking…hmmmmmmm maybe I ought to scrap the whole GM thing and teach Gym.  I would never consider that, since Im having so much fun at my job now.  But still that is an amazing figure. 

Since I was near my house, I decided to work from home the rest of the day.  Im so glad I did, because it took Guy 1.5 hours to get home.  The Saudi’s descend upon Bahrain on the weekend.  They are here in droves right now.  So I was able to get a lot done from my laptop.  Worked out…and ended my short fast with a trip to Burger King for dinner.  If you remember I encouraged my Tuesday small group to do a fast for our South African friend who abruptly lost his job.  Im not sure how my little tradition of the post-fast Whopper meal got started…but I’ll go with it.  Near the end of my short little 30 hour fast, I thought how much easier this fast was then the previous fasts.  Maybe Im just building up a tolerance and getting good at it.  Anything you do long enough, you are going to get more efficient..  Maybe that’s God’s plan for fasting.  The more you do it, the easier it becomes.  

A really good day

What an incredibly busy day today.  I didn’t start off so well.  I had some discouraging news from home, but you know what it didn’t affect me.  I was ready for it.  I just immediately gave it over to God and he took the burden away from me.  As a matter of fact, when I was doing my talk/listen to God today, I felt very strongly impressed that it was going to be a great day for me.  You know what it was a great day, despite the setback.  God is indeed faithful. 

I must have completed about three days worth of work in one day.  It was incredibly efficient.  The acting classes start Saturday so that is taking up a great deal of my time in trying to promote them.  I have a hunch they are going to start small then exponentially grow once the word gets out.    I love talking to people about the classes when they call in.  If you’ve ever been in one of my classes you know I take a very unique approach.  It almost becomes part of my ministry.  A lot of people think its expensive acting classes but really cheap therapy.  I take my students on this guided meditation process as they relive their pasts.  The techniques I’ve developed over the years are very successful in helping the students connect with their emotions.  When I do this, there are always lots and lots of tears, even from the men.  As they connect with their pasts it becomes a bit cathartic for the students.  I’ve seen so many breakthroughs.  But the funniest part is when the breathroughs happens how surprised the actors are to have had them.  I get a lot of “I’ve completely forgotten about that” or “I’ve never told anyone about that before”  I always thought that it would make for a good TV show, and that is exactly what I’m going to do with it.  Hey, I’m a production company, might as well put it to good work.  So I have the crew and I’m going to start taping all the sessions.  It might turn into a TV series (Bahrain TV is interested) or a DVD series on acting techniques.  If nothing else, it will give the students some excitement when they think they are going to be a part of a show.  Im actually very excited about teaching the class here.  It’s never been done.  So in a way, Im a bit of a trendsetter.

I had a wonderful lunch with a couple of girls from a marketing company.  At first we talked business and how we were going to work together.  Then that meandered into acting and ultimately I told the story of my divorce and emotional rebirth.  They were absolutely mesmerized which was kind of funny.  I do tell my story often, I think that is part of my ministry.  I want to give people hope.  If I, at one point the happiest person on the planet, had everything stripped from me that I love, then am able to rebuild by the Grace of God and ultimately become better than stronger than before…then that gives them hope.  I think that is my calling.  Im in the hope givin/encouragement business.  The girls said something that stroked my ego today.  They told me that the word of me coming to Bahrain has quickly spread (just because of the Hollywood monicker) and there were a lot of people anxious to meet me.  That did make me feel great.  Now, I say that not out of ego.  But because of the label I got from the divorce where X told me that no one believed in me.  But now, I have dozens if not hundreds of people that believe in me but by the Grace of God that can happen.  It provides a certain measure of vindication.  I know that God has me on an incredible path, but its not my strength or skill.  Im convinced its him directing my paths.  Im finding incredible favor wherever I go. 

Im kind of anxious to go to sleep tonight so tomorrow can start even earlier.  Im looking forward to going into work tomorrow.  I stayed at the office til 9 tonight even.  I’m incredibly motivated right now.  I hope this will last. 

I have a interview with the Gulf Daily News tomorrow morning.  They are the giant paper on the Island.  I think they are the only publication that hasn’t covered us thus far.  My Ad Agency work at Design at Work in Houston sure has paid amazing dividends in the PR/self promotion department.  Im excited about the interview, it could provide some great coverage for KSDi.  I’m very thankful that Guy and Tanya are taking the sales stuff.  That allows me the opportunity to do what I’m good at, and what Im passionate about, and that is development and creative services.

I mentioned yesterday, Im in the midst of another short fast for my dear South African friend who lost his job.  Not only is facing having to find another job, he might be deported.  His visa is only good for another three weeks.  But what was great, is that our small group banded around the South African to support him.  So we are all praying and fasting for him from Sundown Wed. to Sun down Thursday.  Many of the other  South Africans in the group had never fasted before so it is all new to them.  Im honored they trusted me and God used me to help teach them this important aspect of the Christian walk.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot.  I went into my regula

Why I am here...

One of the reasons why I’m here became abundantly clear tonight.  My new good friend the South African, whose house is where we hold our Mon. night Bible Study abruptly lost his job on Thursday.  He called me for prayer and support, which I’ve been constantly praying for him.  He and his lovely wife have me over for a home cooked meal before our small group.  Im very honored and its nice to have a home cooked meal again.  I kind of felt led that I should ask the group to pray and fast for the South African in his difficult situation.  Not only did he lose his job but his visa expires four weeks after the termination of his contract.  So in four weeks he faces the prospect of being deported.  So not only does he lose his job, but he faces the prospect of having to pack everything up in his big house and ship everything back to his home, if that is where he is headed.  Oh it should be noticed, that he didn’t do anything wrong.  The economic crisis has claimed another victim.  The whole construction process shut down for his development.  So naturally he is quite worried about what the future will hold.  I told the South African during dinner, that I felt compelled to have the rest of the small group to fast as well.  He thought that was an ok idea, though he had never fasted before and wasn’t sure how it was supposed to work.  So during our study, the video this week, was on Nehemiah.  One of the questions said read Nehemiah 1:4 and what did the Bible say Nehemiah did when he heard about the temple walls?  “He cried, wept, fasted and prayed.  Is the answer.  He fasted?  A crisis happened and he fasted?  Is this a word from God?  I mentioned to both the South African and his wife how much God always speaks to me.  He mentioned that he doesn’t know if God speaks to him.  Well with me reading Esther the week before with Esther telling her people to fast and pray during a crisis….the next week read Nehemiah saying the same thing.  Do you think there is a pattern here?  Do you think that God is trying to speak to the South African?  So I explained this all to the rest of the group.  They were a bit hesitant since none of them have ever fasted before.  I explained how it works with me, and they were all willing to give it a shot for the sake of their fellow South African.  So its cool…God is using my life experience to help guide these guys in a powerful principle in the scripture.  None of them would have fasted had it not been for this crisis.  So not only is God going to help the South African through the crisis, the others are going to pick up a powerful tool in their spiritual arsenal. 

When I got home, I got this nice email from the South African:

Hi Rick,

Thanks for a great get-together again tonight. You really mean so much

to our group and I can honestly say that in the past few weeks we've

grown more than the previous 16 months. Your presence is a blessing to

us all and I'm really excited to see where's this is going.

Thanks for the fast suggestion. Can't wait to do my first proper fast.

Always wanted to do that but somehow never really got round to

actually doing it. Any suggestions as to how I can start preparing

myself?

 

Cheers

 

So I mentioned that God is using me to change the world.  If he is just using me to help the life of a South African during this difficult time in his life, that would be enough. 

 

By the way…on a completely non-religious note.  The South African rented Tropic Thunder and he absolutely hated it.  He turned it off ½ way through the DVD.  He’s the fourth straight non-American I met that hated the movie.  Now, I loved it.  I thought is was very American and had a lot obscure industry humor.  But I don’t think people from outside the U.S. understand our self-effacing humor.  Freedom of the press/speach is a very good thing.  

Yeah!!!! Slumdog Millionaire

Yeah!!!! Slumdog Millionaire.  I had a vested interested watching the Oscars this year.  I haven’t missed a telecast in more than 25 years.  One day, I believe Im going to win one of those statuettes.  I thought that dream died a few years ago when I left Hollywood in 2001.  Now it is being revived.  I mentioned before that I think Slumdog’s success will have a direct impact on us here in the Middle East.  I have a hunch that Hollywood will now immediately trend to more International stories.  I spoke with my contact earlier today, he’s going to set up meetings with his Hollywood connections in the coming weeks to get this happening.  Please pray for this.  it could be huge.  Im a little dazed right now as I didn’t get much sleep the night before.  It was quiz night…and that is now a Sun. Night tradition for me.  We won the first round and didn’t come close the ensuing rounds.  If we don’t have a Brit or someone from the UK at the table we just have a hard time competing since there is so much info on the UK in the quiz.  So I got home late from that, took a 3 hour nap, and then got up to watch the Oscars at 4 am.  By the time they were over it was time to jump in the shower and head to work. 

As I was watching Slumdog pick up Best Director and Best Picture, I just started to cry.  I was so moved emotionally.  Now you have to realize that half the population in Bahrain are Indians.  They are some of my dearest friends now.  Even the ones from Kerala.  Indians are such a beautiful, kind and considerate culture.  You could see the genuineness in their acceptance speeches.  I experience that on almost a daily basis.  My mind hearkened back to last month when I was a judge at the Bahrain Film Festival with all Indians.  It was a like a mini-oscar event back then too.  Another one of my favorite Indians, is our office manager Simi.  She is a lovely girl.  She dressed up in a very Nice traditional Indian outfit today.  It was her birthday and she planned to buy the whole office lunch to celebrate.  I would have nothing of that…so I had KSDi spring for the lunch.  We love to make excuses for parties here.  So she just looked stunning in her, I think it was a Sari.  So I asked her if she dressed up for her birthday.  She got embarrassed and said without missing a beat.  “Not really….Yes.”   It was very very funny.  All the Indians were excited in the office were excited about Slumdog winning with the exception of maybe Reji, whom Im sure will want you to know that Slumdog is in Mumbai and does not reflect his beloved state/region of Kerala.  I think it’s the equivalent of a Sooner-Longhorn rivalrly or Australia-New Zealand. 

Were starting to get a lot of chatter for the acting classes as the newspaper articles and magazines slowly permeate the island.  I have a hunch that we are going to start slowly then its going to get amazingly popular.  Its sure going to help in the cash crunch times. 

It sure is nice having Guy and Tanya on the Sales side of things.  That allows me to be more of a GM and focus on the product and the creative side.  I’m also finding that Im quite good at schmoozing and developing future clients.  I had some spare time today so I continued to work on the JP Cormier biography.  I had so much fun doing that.  Being creative like that really is incredible therapy for me.  Im very lucky or blessed because I so love what I do.  

Quiz night...Oscar night....

Im going to keep this a bit short tonight because I stayed out way too late.  It was quiz night so that is quickly becoming a tradition.  We do that in J.J.’s Irish Pub.  It’s a blast.  Its coold because there are several people that want to be a part of my team.  The Australian was on my team with her friend.  Im really fighting not falling for this girl.  I fall for everyone it seems.  I recognize that about myself.  I think it just has to do with being alone far too long.  I just long to be in love again.  I just have to make sure its with the right person for the right reason.  To fall in love merely for the sake of being in love I think is a recipe for disaster.  I recognize that about myself

We had a new girl start in the office today.  Her name is Natasha.  She’s an Indian and was actually raised in Aramco, where I worked in 2005.  She was educated in the states.  She is amazingly talented.  We are very blessed to have her on my team.  Im slowly amassing a team of very talented staff.  Our capabilities are rising each week.  In a time where everyone seems to be cutting back, we are adding staff.  I hope our positive cash flow continues.  I expect the acting class to be a big boon to our efforts.  Not just in terms of getting cash in, but also the long term aspect of getting KSDi’s name out to the public.  We are quickly becoming a household item here.  I continue to get a call from student’s signing up for the acting class.  I alswy ask the prospective students where they heard about us.  Most say the magazine or the newspaper articles.  So the press blitz is actually happening. 

I haven’t talked to my children in two weeks.  I’ve been calling them, but it just goes straight to voicemail and they are not returning the calls.  Maybe they are still angry at me.  I just hope they are safe.  I’m going to love em whatever happens.

I think I mentioned my good friend, the South African, lost his job Sunday.  He went into work and they just shut the company down.  The recession is hitting all over.  He called me yesterday in a bit of a panic.  So I asked if I could pray for him.  It was really cool how the words of the Holy Spirit just flowed out of me.  I have been teaching the Tuesday group (of which he’s apart) how to pray invoking the authority of the Christ.  We know that fear and anger are not of God.  So anytime you get scared you know that is an attack of the enemy.  I informed the South African about this.  I encouraged him any time a fear strikes him, to speak out a prayer aloud like “Spirit of fear you have no authority over me, I cast you out in Jesus name. 

He’s been trying that out all day.  Fear has obviously gripped him.  Yet he said, he’s been praying and rebuking the spirit of fear by praying that small prayer  and its really work.  Everytime he prays a spirit of fear leaves, and leaves behind joy.

The Oscars are tonight.  They come on around 5a my time.  I actually need to watch them for work.  If Slumdog does well…it bodes very well for us here.  So if you have a rooting interest vote for that one, which was easily the best movie of the year anyways. Im thinking of calling in sick for work…but hey Im the GM.  Do I really need to make an excuse?  Im very tired tonight so Im going to post this without proofreading.  So forgive me there are some grammatical issues with this.  

Move over Stella...

I think I got my groove back.  OK…maybe only my little sister will snicker at that.  But I finally got my joy back.  It happened right as I was eating my traditional post-fast Whopper with Cheese.  I think I really was under spiritual attack.  And the fast was a key point for me overcoming it.  I think that is one of the reasons God specifically called me to go on this fast.  If you remember that the disciples were trying to cast out a spirit.   They couldn’t and Jesus could.  So they asked why they couldn’t.  Christ responded this spirit only comes out by prayer and fasting.  So I think the attacks that I had…and if you’ve been reading the blog its been pretty intense…were the kind that only could be conquered by fasting.  Well I think I made it, knock on wood.  The cloud lifted.  I had a really great day.  The first one in about two weeks.  It was good to eat after three days, so the whopper was a highlight.  As I was eating I spotted another article written about us in the Bahrain Tribune.  It was a long article too…very favorable.  Im learning the power of self-promotion.  The word “Hollywood” carries a lot of weight over here.  The fact that I worked there for nearly 10 years (1993-2001, its actually 8 but I round up for those doing the math that have issues).  People want to write and hear about that.  Im using it to my advantage to garner momentum for my company.  People contact me all the time, and Im able to connect diverse people together to help certain projects happen.  God is granting me favor.  Plus the more “branding” KSDi gets, the more work long term will be generated. 

I chatted with several new and interesting people on the computer.   Went to see Benjamin Button in the theater.  Ok..this is one aspect of Arab culture that I don’t like.  They talk in movies.  The couple next to me…talked the entire time.  The people in front took several cell phone calls as well as the people in back of me.  In the states, I’ve almost gotten into fistfights in movies when I called people out because of their behavior.  I don’t dare do that here.  Im a guest and a minority.  I know not to cause waves.  I have to be respectful of their culture even in the midst of them disrespecting it.  Its very hard.  The movie was quite nice, but I did miss a few key lines of dialogue and some of the more emotional moments with the distraction.

The highlight of the night was when I went out with the Australian Chef.  Yes…a date.  It was very very nice.  She was beautiful and very intelligent.  She is a chef for first class for Gulf Air.  So she has seen some pretty amazing things and have gone to some incredible places.  We were together for four hours talking non-stop.  We almost closed the restaurant, but there was one other Saudi in there that came late.  Still when we left, I had the feeling that neither one of us was wanting to leave.  Im not sure if this relationship will progress anywhere past the first date.  I think it will.  We are going to go to quiz night together tomorrow night.  But hopefully I’ll start learning my lesson and learn to go slower.  I say hopefully…but probably not.  But I can always have a goal.  I told Guy on the way to go to the movie today.  That I was looking forward to going into work tomorrow.   Im pretty blessed to be able to do that.  I think whenever I talk about my emotional life on this blog it gets the readers.  I guess its kind of like ratings week/or sweeps week.  So stay tuned.  I met a few prospects this week.  I start the acting classes next Saturday which will be filled with models and actresses.  Suddenly, my cup potentially runneth over.  Is this anyway for a missionary to talk.  Im not doing anything wrong.  This has been a long time coming.  Im very grateful and humble that I made it through the crap to get to this point.  But by the grace of God.  

Feelings...whoa whoa whoa...Feelings

I went to church this morning.  I really like the church I go to, which is good, because there aren’t a lot of other options available if I don’t like it.  The Pastor, Graeme, has a very funny and dry sense of humor.  He is quite hilarious with his off the cuff comments.  Yet most of the congregation doesn’t get his humor.  I want to stand up and yell…That was funny people.  I’m starting get more and more friends in the church which is nice.  I met another guy named Devlin, from South Africa.  He works with the teens in church.   For some reason there are tons of South Africans here in Bahrain.  They are in desperate need of volunteers for the church here.  I figured Im  here to serve so I should do my part.  Im going to start leading the teens during their service.  I figure I have teens, I teach teens acting, so I should be able to do it.  The only dilemma is that I would miss the service while I would be with them.  But, I download Charles Stanley and Steve Madsen from Livermore, and I got about 25 CD services from Lakewood, so I figure Im pretty set in the sermon department here.  I usually listen to about 6-7 sermons a week.  It really helps me stay strong.  Where it really helps is when Im leading my small groups, One on Monday, the other on Tuesday.  It’s a really cool feeling when the Holy Spirit prompts you on what exactly to say.  So the wisdom I garner from life experience and those messages are easy to convey to those groups.

As I was dropping Reji off after church, we noticed a lot of horse trailers outside this park.  Being curious Guy and I ventured inside.  It was a Horse Show jumping championship sponsored by the King.  It was kind of a big deal.  We were just wandering around checking out the sights and we made it over to the VIP pavilion tent.  This is where the color of our skin came in handy.  No one questioned us as they just assumed we were supposed to be there.  I spoke to a couple of people of having my camera crew at KSDI cover the event for archive purposes.  So Guy and I sat in the back, but we were ushered to the front in the VIP of the VIP section,  the one with the couches.  We sat right behind members of the royal family and other elite members of Bahrain society.  It was pretty darn cool.  The show jumping portion was interesting, they had about 12 nations from all over the Middle East involved with this event.  This is just another example of the different amazing activities I’m exposed to over here.  I’m very very blessed. 

When I got home I took a four hour nap…can you believe that.  Im still fasting, so I think that is draining me of some of my energy.  That’s why I planned it around the weekend.  Again, Im not being pharisaical saying look how holy I am.  Because that is not my intention.  Maybe some of you can learn or be inspired by some of the things I experience over here.  Fasting is very important, and its something that the church doesn’t really emphasize enough.  Im so looking forward to my Whopper with Cheese from Burger King when I end my fast tomorrow.  I think that is becoming a traditional break-fast meal for me. 

I know I’ve been sharing my feelings rather openly lately.  I have many people telling me, not share so much about my personal life.  Now I agree to a point, where I don’t want to harm my children.  But I believe that X is persuading the kids to have an opinion for me not to write about them.  She can’t control me, but she can try to have them control me.   So I considered the source.  That said, Im going to still try to limit what I write about them.  I do miss them, and they won’t take or return my calls.  I think they are still pretty angry at me.  They think Im lying to them.  I just have to let God sort that out.  I can’t win an argument like this.  But as far as opening up about my pain, heartache, loneliness, and the good stuff like my adventures, joy and hope, I think its important to continue sharing.  Too many people in the church and outside of the church put on a happy face and cover up the reality.  I try to be real whenever possible and sometimes it makes people uncomfortable.  Like when they ask “how are you?”…and you respond “pretty dang lousy.”  They are not prepared for that because that forces a step into different territory.  They just want you to say pretty good…so they don’t have to deal with thinking or potentially entering into a uncomfortable situation.  I think its important for people to share what they feel so they can tell the world on an individual basis that they are not alone.  Someone else goes through the same pain and loneliness that they go through.  If we all keep our pain to ourselves, how can we help others.  If they feel like we relate to them, they are more prone to opening up about their own issues.    So I feel very comfortable sharing my fears, pains, and disappointments so that I may in an off chance be an encouragement to others.  Christ followers need to be real…the ugly parts and all.  If they see my struggles…when I have the success it will be more defined.  If you have been reading this blog, you will find that my successes emotionally, spiritually, and professionally far outweigh my struggles.  Why would anyone want to convert if someone is depressed all the time.  The Joy of the Lord is our strength and its our greatest marketing asset.  Yes, there is pain in heartbreak, which Im experiencing.  But this too shall pass.  It always does.  

Strange Day

What a strange day it has been.  Nothing seemed to flow.  Not even writing this blog tonight.  I guess Im still really down about Ms. Texas.  I tried to convince myself that everything was OK, and I’ll I needed was a “can do” attitude.  I’ve been listing to Joel Osteen nearly 24/7 since I got the Lakewood Care package. Im doing all the tricks, like don’t focus on what you don’t have, focus on what you do have, still Im in that funk.  I just feel a bit out of it.  I didn’t think it was showing that much, until I went into the office today, and Tanya looked at me like I had been in a war zone.  She could tell something was bothering me, which surprised me because I didn’t think it showed.  She said I was the spark of the office and I needed to fire back or something like that.  She said I needed some fizz…which I think is a girlfriend. I’ve gone through this sort of thing before.  I just have to keep my head down and keep going.  Eventually the light will break through the clouds. 

Im not sure if the funk that Im in has anything to do with the fast that Im on.  Surprisingly, Im not hungry but I do feel a little bit of a lack of energy.  That’s why I planned to do most of it around the weekend so it wouldn’t hurt my efficiency.  I do feel like Im in a major spiritual battle right now.  Perhaps I haven’t recovered from the shockwaves of last week yet.  I know there will better days ahead.  I think all the pressure from being a GM in a recession and worrying about the cash flow and new clients is catching up to me.  I have to keep faith.  I know tomorrow will be a brighter day, but still today is pretty dang dark.  This sounds a little like Hollywood, but I just feel as if there is a battle in the supernatural happening all around me right now.  That’s why Im so out of it. 

I guess Im just tired of waiting on God.  I know he has a plan, and I know Im waiting to learn something.  I know, those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.  I know all of that, its just that my faith isn’t backing up my beliefs right now at this moment.  Check with me tomorrow and I’ll probably be back on track again.    This is just a temporary situation right now.  I will push through and be successful again.  Until then, this really hurts. 

Maybe this is all just a giant test for me.  Im not sure what it is.  I think with Ms. Texas…I let myself dream a little bit and I got ahead of myself.  I don’t like being single, and I don’t like being alone.  Im so anxious to put an end to the 3 years of emotionally wandering.  With her, I might have saw a tiny flicker of a light at the end of the rainbow.  That’s what caused me to jump too fast into it.  Anytime I try to rush God, I always screw it up.  God is doing some amazing things in certain aspects of m life right now…I just have to trust that he’ll complete a perfect work in me.  

Fasting

I think I mentioned this before. But one of the benefits of pain is it drives us closer to God.  One of the benefits of my extreme pain is now I can hear from God.  He’s been talking this whole time, I just didn’t pay attention to discern His voice.  I reasoned, that’s my own voice, or that’s my conscience, I never realized that God was talking to me the whole time. Im not sure If I have a gift that way or everyone can do it.  So last night God spoke to me, and said in your devotions tomorrow, I’m going to have a word for you when you read your Bible.  I got really excited.  In the past God has given me specific books and chapters to read that just kind of popped into my head.  When I looked them up, they were absolutely 100% appropriate for me at that moment.  This time God said…just read where you currently are in the Bible.  I read the Bible cover to cover when I read.  Im not sure that’s the right way, its just the way I’ve always done it.  I happen to be in the book of Esther…so I wonder, what is God going to tell me from Esther?  So I crack open the Bible while eating my breakfast at Dairy Queen.  The story I was reading about was that a dude named Haman, was plotting to kill all the Jews.  Queen Esther, also a Jew had to thwart his plan and get in good with the King.  So it’s a nice story and all…but ½ way through Im thinking what does this have to do with me…maybe I heard God wrong.  Then blamo…I came across the part that God wanted me to read.  In Chapter 4:16 it reads “Go gather all the Jews who are present in Shushan and fast for me; neither eat nor drink for three days, night or day.  My maids and I will fast likewise.”  Crap…why couldn’t God have told me something easy to do, or encourage me like a storehouse of blessing is coming your way or something.  Now, Im not really sure why God wanted me to fast, which Im presently doing.  I just skipped dinner so far, so its not really difficult at the moment.  In Esther, the Jews fast and God delivers them from their oppressor.  I feel like I’ve been under heavy spiritual attack for the last two weeks, so maybe it has something to do with that.  Fasting is a powerful tool that I think Every Christian should do.  Jesus says…”when you fast do so in secret.”  He doesn’t say if you fast, he says when liked its expected.  Secondly by announcing it, Im not really doing it in secret am I?  I don’t want to be pharisaical about it, but Im opening my life up to you readers.  When I say I kind of dread fasting, I mean it…but it works.  When Jesus was casting out demons, his disciples tried casting out a demon, but they couldn’t.  They asked him why Jesus could and they couldn’t.  His reply was that this kind of demon only comes out by prayer and fasting.  So if you have an addiction or a spirit you just can’t seem to kick…you might want to try fasting.  I believe that the Demonic and spirits are real.  If Jesus spent 1/3 of his ministry only casting out demons, don’t you think that was a point of emphasis that we should recognize it.  If it was that important to Jesus shouldn’t it be that important to us?  I also wanted to mention the fast on this blog so I’d be more accountable to you.  Many times when I set out a goal to fast, I usually get part way through…and reason my way out of the fast.  God still honors a partial fast..but I only received a partial blessing as well. 

I went back to the Bahrain Cinema club tonight.  They play artsy foreign films there.  There was a Bosnian fim about the war in Yugoslavia.  It was a comedy and just a delightful film.  How cool is that to be living in the Middle East, watching a Bosnian films where each of the audience members were from a different country.  Afterwards I saw an Indian by the name of Nozar.  Last week we were at the Cinema Club shooting promotional shots for a magazine.  I needed a volunteer and Nozar offered.  When I said hello to him at the end of the film, He said…Hi Rick.  He remembered my name even though we only chatted for a few minutes.  He also told me he read one of the articles about me in the Gulf Weekly.  I was honored.  I had a couple of copies of the magazine in the car.  So I gave him one.  He was quite proud when I flipped through the magazine to show him his picture.  He had never been in a magazine before.  Then he asked for my autograph?   What!!! My autograph?  Im not a celebrity…but I guess with pictures in the magazines, television appearances, acting schools, high powered meetings, maybe I am becoming a celebrity.  Think big fish tiny pond.    I think God is giving me incredible favor so that the credibility of my lifestyle will go a bit further in spreading his message.  I’ll go with it…but it still seems kind of weird.  Im totally walking in the middle of God’s favor, because he has a purpose for it, and Im following his commandments

The Art of Self Promotion

Every day gets a little better.  I can’t be on top all of the time.  I know that God is still in the process of working things out in my life, I just wish that he would hurry up.  We got some amazing coverage in a local magazine called Highlights no not the kids magazine this is another one.  They were really interested in the acting classes and gave us some great coverage.  The issue hits the streets today.  If you want to take a look at a copy of it, it can be viewed here http://www.ksdibahrain.com/ksdi_saw.php  There is a link on the page that states “Action:  The Beeman Effect. “ You can access it there if you so choose. 

Everyone in the office was so excited to see it.  We have several staff pictures in the article.  Many of them had never seen themselves in print before.  They were quite excited about it.  Priyesh was funny.  He saw his picture and he actually said more than three words in English for the first time ever I think.  With a big grin, he said “I want that magazine.”  The Filipina girls also were quite excited.  Yes it might be me on the cover as I take over for the face of KSDi, but we all view it as a team effort.  That is the kind of atmosphere I am trying to foster.  I believe it is working. 

Its been a great thing having Guy in the office.  It affords me the opportunity to play more of an executive role.  I had a meeting with Mo Loch (They call him white Mo, he’s an Egyptian, but you’d never guess he was an arab.)  He is trying to launch a joint partnership with his company and KSDi.  He’s a dynamic salesman, and he likes the work we do on video.  So he’s in a sense going to be an outside sales guy for us by forming this partnership.  He just wants his company’s name as the producer.  I have no issues with that, as long as he pays. 

Then I had another high powered meeting with this very very very important person.  But I’m not allowed to talk about it…which sucks.  But it was simply amazing.  Its one of those God’s favor things.  There are people being brought into my life right now, through some pretty amazing circumstances.  All I have to do really is just sit there.  For some reason, they feel compelled to help me.  That is God’s favor.  Im pretty blessed right now. 

I was asked by friend Casper at church to help lead his small group on Tuesday nights.  Its essentially me and a bunch of South Africans.  Its just so weird talking to white people that aren’t Americans.  But Im so glad Im apart of that group.  As Im sharing, it struck me as Im doling out wisdom I’ve learned from a lot a lot of pain that  I have something good to say to help people.  They seem to be very receptive and they remembered what I said the few weeks prior.  Im making an impact.  They are all married and have good jobs, yet, here I am the divorced guy, teaching them the tools that God has taught me.  I say that very humbly and in awe of the way God works.  He took a totally sucky thing in my life and is turning it into something beautiful.  I did tell the guys about my sucky week.  I had been espousing how great my life had been recently the week before and how much joy and hope I had.  I told them the wheels had come off as if I were to be made to practice what I preached.  I went through the dark times of this past week and now, Im on top again.  So that means 3.5 down days and now smooth sailing with a few choppy seas thrown in there every once in awhile.  I think that is a pretty good recovery period for a heart break.  God is indeed faithful.  

The Art of Self Promotion

Every day gets a little better.  I can’t be on top all of the time.  I know that God is still in the process of working things out in my life, I just wish that he would hurry up.  We got some amazing coverage in a local magazine called Highlights no not the kids magazine this is another one.  They were really interested in the acting classes and gave us some great coverage.  The issue hits the streets today.  If you want to take a look at a copy of it, it can be viewed here http://www.ksdibahrain.com/ksdi_saw.php  There is a link on the page that states “Action:  The Beeman Effect. “ You can access it there if you so choose. 

Everyone in the office was so excited to see it.  We have several staff pictures in the article.  Many of them had never seen themselves in print before.  They were quite excited about it.  Priyesh was funny.  He saw his picture and he actually said more than three words in English for the first time ever I think.  With a big grin, he said “I want that magazine.”  The Filipina girls also were quite excited.  Yes it might be me on the cover as I take over for the face of KSDi, but we all view it as a team effort.  That is the kind of atmosphere I am trying to foster.  I believe it is working. 

Its been a great thing having Guy in the office.  It affords me the opportunity to play more of an executive role.  I had a meeting with Mo Loch (They call him white Mo, he’s an Egyptian, but you’d never guess he was an arab.)  He is trying to launch a joint partnership with his company and KSDi.  He’s a dynamic salesman, and he likes the work we do on video.  So he’s in a sense going to be an outside sales guy for us by forming this partnership.  He just wants his company’s name as the producer.  I have no issues with that, as long as he pays. 

Then I had another high powered meeting with this very very very important person.  But I’m not allowed to talk about it…which sucks.  But it was simply amazing.  Its one of those God’s favor things.  There are people being brought into my life right now, through some pretty amazing circumstances.  All I have to do really is just sit there.  For some reason, they feel compelled to help me.  That is God’s favor.  Im pretty blessed right now. 

I was asked by friend Casper at church to help lead his small group on Tuesday nights.  Its essentially me and a bunch of South Africans.  Its just so weird talking to white people that aren’t Americans.  But Im so glad Im apart of that group.  As Im sharing, it struck me as Im doling out wisdom I’ve learned from a lot a lot of pain that  I have something good to say to help people.  They seem to be very receptive and they remembered what I said the few weeks prior.  Im making an impact.  They are all married and have good jobs, yet, here I am the divorced guy, teaching them the tools that God has taught me.  I say that very humbly and in awe of the way God works.  He took a totally sucky thing in my life and is turning it into something beautiful.  I did tell the guys about my sucky week.  I had been espousing how great my life had been recently the week before and how much joy and hope I had.  I told them the wheels had come off as if I were to be made to practice what I preached.  I went through the dark times of this past week and now, Im on top again.  So that means 3.5 down days and now smooth sailing with a few choppy seas thrown in there every once in awhile.  I think that is a pretty good recovery period for a heart break.  God is indeed faithful.  

Feeling like myself again...

I feel like myself again after a temporary set back.  It’s so weird to be depressed after so much joy and hope has been racing through my life.  It was if God spoke to me, and said just keep your head down and wait this out.  Don’t be tempted to self-medicate just seek after me.  That’s exactly what I did.  Though I was tempted to self-medicate, I knew I was in a test, and I had to wait it out.  It so worked.  Im still not out of the total depression woods.  But the light shining through the gray clouds of despair is getting brighter and brighter. 

We decided to do our classes at the Media Production Sound stage at Ahlia University in downtown Manama.  Its really a nice facility and will be perfect for our needs.  This is important because venue #2 The Cinema Club called me to tell me they couldn’t hold our classes because they are a non-profit or something like that.  So God’s favor and the generosity of Art, the Director of the program let us in.  There will be mutual benefit for both sides. 

Angel Cecil, a pretty blonde Irish lass interviewed me today for Bahrain TV.  Im so used to being the one asking the questions, answering them seemed a little bit weird.  It went really well.  As an example I ran her through the sense memory exercise.  This was a challenge for Angel since she has so much crew around her, a tight time frame, and was doing something without ever having to practice it.  She did really well.  She tapped into her inner emotions and real came out the other end.  She really wants to take the class now. 

We did our second Positive Living group.  It was pretty fantastic.  Last week when I decided to do this group, all emotional hell broke through in this blog.  The message last week was don’t focus on the negative focus on the positive.  Don’t worry about how big your problem is, instead just concentrate on how big your God is.  It was perfect for me.  Because Im under serious spiritual attack.  I think we are about to make a difference so I think the enemy is going to notch up his attack the next couple of weeks.  So your prayers are coveted as always.  Today’s message from Joel Osteen was all about children.  Proverbs says “Raise your child up in the way of the Lord and when he is old, he will not depart from thee.  So the message was, don’t worry about your children’s future spiritual growth.  All you have to do is offer your life as a living testimony to God and that will protect the children.  Once again God is telling me as I’m over here…that he is going to take care of them. 

Lots more to say…but im really knackered.  I can’t barely type straight. 

Thanks for your support and emails. 

Rick

Oh yeah…one more thing Reji was quite put off (as were many Indians) about the story for Slum dog Millionaire.  He hates for his home state of Kerala to be considered  to the be the slums of India.  So he is quite proud of his country.  I think it’s a little like No. CA and So. CA,  San franciso/Los Angeles,  New Zealand/Australia. 

So we had a Kerala magazine in there.  I copied some pictures of the slums of Brazil and printed them out.  I placed them through all the real advertisiments .  So it reall blended well.   (temprorarily)   I said Reji, what’s up with that.  He knew immediately, But Saji was a little heartbroken.  I took him a moment or two and my big grin kind of gave it away.

Im soooooo sleeply. Im not even going to proofread.  So forgive me if parts seem incoherene.   Till tomorrow…  

What a difference a day makes

What a difference a day makes.  I can tell that a lot of people have been praying for me.  Wow.  It worked.  I was in a funk most of the morning.  But I have a faith that this cloud was going to part soon and I just had to stick it through.  If this was a test of some sort, I’m pretty sure Im passing it.  I don’t like the fact that Im lonely or in pain, but Im not going to resort to self-medicating.  God has come through time and time again. 

Im going to be on the cover of another magazine this month.  Apparently I was on one last month I didn’t realize or see.  But this one comes out tomorrow.  I feel a little self conscious about it.  But the self-promotion is very important that I become the face of KSDI.  Art Jones and I were speaking tonight (more on him below) and he said Americans are quite revered in this culture, and I agree.  Even moreso than that, Hollywood is also quite respected.  Im totally playing up that angle.  I have become the face of the new KSDI.  So as I promote myself, my main motivation is promoting the company.  In this section of the world, having an acting class taught by a Hollywood Director is kind of a big thing.  We are sure trying to capitalize on every opportunity. 

I was listening to the last of a CD series from Joel Osteen on handling adversity.  Im really trying to apply all the principles.  One of the things I listened to today, was obtaining God’s favor, just because you are a child of the king.  That happened to me today, right after I listened to that sermon actually.  It’s like God was saying, this stuff really works, and Im going to show you right now.  First of all, I was able to replace a pair of defective earphones, and exchange them for another brand.  I didn’t have my receipt, the box, or the accessories.  They just took them.  But that was just a pre-cursor.  I was looking for a venue to hold my acting classes.  Last weeks’ venue got closed by the ministry of education last week because of a license issue.  So that meant, I only had two weeks to find another venue in which to hold the classes.  I didn’t have a lot time.  We made a pitch to the Bahrain Cinema Club, and neither Khalifa nor I thought we would get it because of the bureaucracy involved.  So while I was taking some promo shots at the Cinema Club last Wed. there was one guy, there asking a lot of question.  I recognized him, though I had never met him.  I knew him by reputation.  His name is Art Jones.  He worked at Aramco before me, and we had a few mutual friends in Bahrain.  He is the head of Ahlia university’s media program.  He just constructed a very nice sound stage, control room, studio, and production facility.  It would be perfect for the acting school.  Before I could even suggest we should join forces, he offered me the facility for our classes.  It was simply God’s favor.  I didnt’ have to ask  for anything Art kept offering.  I was quite blown away.  God’s favor is really real.  So we are going to have our classes in an actual tv studio, which will be really cool, especially for out here. 

Art and I spent the next five hours together talking.  He was a director in New York.  He mentioned the line from Casablanca in regards to he and I.  He said…”I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship”  and he might be right.  Its amazing this past week even though its been emotionally brutal how much God’s favor has been shining upon me.  Im pretty blessed.  Art and my conversation spilled over into dinner.  I took him to Quiz night at JJ’s and my trivia posse showed up.  The trivia posse includes Guy the Canadian, Ruth the beautiful 6’2 hilarious blonde.  Art, myself and few others.  Like the week before, we always come in second missing by a single agonizing point.  But we did win with the Famous faces competition again.  That is becoming our specialty.   I wanted to go home after the quiz, but Ruth wanted me to stay and dance.  Which I did…and I sucked at it.  But I had fun anyways.  So now its 1:30 am on a working night.  Im up way too long.  So forgive me for my typos, as im really sleepy.

In addition to praying for my children.  If you could also pray for Nader, my boss.  This financial crisis in the banking industry is really taking its toll on him.  We will weather storm, but it will probably be difficult at times.  God is control, that is what I have to keep telling myself.  So far….so good.   

A big semi-coherent ramble and vent...

Im so impatient.  I know everything happens in God’s time, I just wish he would hurry up already.  Heartache sucks.  I asked God to direct my steps.  In my prayer time today, that is exactly what he told me that he is doing.  But he’s directing them his way not my way.  For that I should be grateful, but right now at this moment Im struggling.   I’ve learned time and time again that God has a perfect plan.  It just sucks having to wait so long for it.  It’s Valentines day here…and no…no valentine for me.  Its not as commercial here as it is in the states.  There are a few stands selling balloons, but its not everywhere like the U.S. that is kind of nice.  I guess Im just anxious.  Its been four years nearly since I’ve been in a loving normal marital relationship.  I miss the TLC and a the security of a spouse.  This is sometimes where I think life isn’t fair. I was serving as a missionary and X left me.  I was serving God only to lose everything I held dear.  Now, Im not blaming X for this…I don’t want to dig up that hornets nest again.  Im questioning God.  Are you sure you know what you’re doing God?  This doesn’t seem fair.   But life isn’t supposed to be fair is it. I mean if it wasn’t fair for Christ, why should it be fair for me If Im supposed to live like Christ.   Im rambling a bit aren’t i?  But that is exactly what the last few days for me have been about, rambling from here to there.  I feel like im spiritually bi-polar.  I’ve had a 2 x 4 whacked against my head and Im striving to try to find the positive side of that big bump on my head.  Well I could say, at least it didn’t hit my legs, or my arms aren’t on fire…but still that whack on the head really hurts no matter how much of a spin that I put on it. 

I have to hunker down, as I know time will heal all wounds.  Im just tired of having my heart broken.  People warn me time and time again to protect my heart, but I don’t want to.  Nothing ventured nothing gained.  I don’t want to live my life frightened that a little pain might venture my way.  If I don’t keep putting my heart out there I might not find the love of my life again.  Part of my issue, and my mother will be glad to know that I agree with her, is that I love being in love.  So that sometimes clouds my judgment. 

So where does that leave me now.  I have to get my contentment and peace from God like always.  What I’m struggling with (and Im being very transparent again) is do I trust God enough to believe that he’ll do what he says he’ll do.  Of course I trust him in the long term, it’s the short term that Im battling right now.  Is it sin to question God, to see if he knows what he’s doing?  I think that is pretty natural.  Now, I know I’ll wake up tomorrow…or the next day or the next and be the world’s greatest optimist again.  But right now…it really hurts.  Pain goes through cycles.  I think its denial-hurt-depression-anger-sorrow.  Each time through the cycle the wheel gets a little bit smaller and a little bit smaller until ultimately it goes away.  Right now Im going through anger.  Its not fair…that Ms. Texas…because she didn’t like the conflict created by X and hubby, ended her relationship with me because of that or so she says.  That means X will have gotten to me twice to break my heart.  Why can’t I just be done with that side of my life so I can move on?  I know God has a plan, but at this point I’m having a hard time seeing it emotionally speaking.  Things will all be different tomorrow Im sure…I’ll be back on top.  But right now…this sucks.  Sorry about the ramble…but you have to take the good with the bad.  Im sure by tomorrow everything will be back to normal.  Right now…Im grieving.