It’s a little bit difficult to keep communicating with my kids because of the time difference. Its 10 hours so when Im awake they are either asleep, or at school or I’m at work. So there is only a small window of opportunity where I can talk to them and that is usually on the weekend. So I had a great talk with them on Saturday and then Max called me several time the next day. He said it was very urgent that I call him back. When I did, he was very very angry with me. He had me on speakerphone with Spencer and they were really mad at me. They read the blog and were really upset at how I expressed my feelings about Ms. Texas. Maybe I shouldn’t have written what I did about her. I do tend to get into things too fast. Everyone tells me that, so maybe I should start listening. But they were upset that I hadn’t told them about her. I tried to explain but they kept telling me I was lying to them. Have you ever had one of your children call you a liar? Its quite sobering and incredibly painful. I explained that with the distance we were having a hard time communicating and sometimes you mis-communicate or misunderstand each other. They claimed I was just making excuses and were really angry and yelling at me. Whenever I tried to interject and explain, they just hung up on me. (That is learned behavior but that is not what this is about at this point). What broke my heart is two fold. The hardest part were Max’s tears. He was very very upset and not able to process his emotions. He was truly grieved and truly confused. I couldn’t do anything to really console him. I felt like I was a world away. Unable to comfort or communicate my son because he was so upset and everything I said, he thought I was lying. Then, there is the matter of disrespect, I’m not worried about getting my feelings hurt, its more about respecting your parents. I no longer have the privilege of being the primary influence in my children’s lives. That really sucks. Someone else is teaching them values. I think that is one of the most frustrating thing about divorce, the lack of control.
There have been several things that happened to me the last couple of days that have just completely taken the wind out of my sails. I can’t be on top of the world every day. And God certainly has done some amazing things in my life. But there are going to be valleys along with the peaks. I think I must be going through a test right now. I have to keep my head down and keep going and not get discouraged. But at times like this…I feel all alone. I do love my kids, but now I feel separated…the pain of divorce becomes more real in times like this. I tried to convince myself that I was over the pain, and in many respects I am, but the kids are the festering wound of the result that will never heal.
Im not a teammate in raising my children anymore. Its almost as if X and I are more adversaries than parenting partners. I want to be a teammate but when you can’t communicate in a civil manner, it makes it incredibly difficult. I just don’t see how the added conflict is healthy in the long term for the children. I guess I have to give myself a little pep talk again. I know that God called me to serve and do great things over here, so I have to know that he is going to take care of my children. Writing of which, we had our first small group meeting tonight. There were five of us. We watched Joel Osteen and the message was always focusing on the positive and not the negative. So that is what I need to do in this situation. I started attending Lakewood at the lowest point of my life. The message taught me to be positive in even the most dire of circumstances. I feel like this is one of those dire circumstances. My kids are healthy and whole. This is such a blessing that I need to recognize. How many other parents who’ve lost children would do anything to have them back. I have my children. They might be an ocean away emotionally, but they will come around eventually. I have to trust God that eventually they will see the truth and see my true heart. I love them and miss them. Your prayers for them are desperately needed.
4 comments:
No, your kids were not upset about how you feel about Ms. Texas, they were and are still upset at the fact there father is so in love with a lady and has never even mentioned her to them. If someone is that important to you, don't you think telling your kids about it would have been the right thing to do, instead of having them find out about their dad's live every once in a while when they read this blog? And your heart is breaking? How in the world do you think they feel when you tell them how hard it is to find a time to talk with them on the phone, only talking on Saturdays, but yet you can get up at 4am to talk to a complete stranger, talking nightly and for extended periods of time?
I have refrained from responding and commenting many, many times, and that is because I truly could care less how you portray and misrepresent me to make yourself look good, but as an advocate for Max, Spencer, and Lindsey, I want to clarify some inaccuracies in your posting today...
*In reference to calling back Max, you wrote "when I did [call him back]..." you NEVER called him back...he called you a 3rd time in 24 hrs to get ahold of you, after seeing that you posted something on the blog but did not call him, and he wanted to see if you would answer, which you finally did. (is that a Lie you wrote about calling him back, or a "miscommunication"?)
*They were upset that you hadn't told them about Ms. Texas, that you can tell the world about her and your feelings for her, but not talk to them; what they accused you of "lying" about was you kept telling them on the phone call that your relationship with her "isn't serious", you "just met", and THAT was a contradiction of everything they had read in the blog, with you talking of being "in love", etc... is that just a "miscommunication"?
*Yes, Max was very very upset, but he WAS able to process his emotions--he was expressing himself, (quite well, really) and the tears were part of that. He WAS confused. You wrote about all these feelings for this woman on the blog, then when he asked you about it, you say "it's nothing serious, Max"--that is confusing...to a 13 year old and a 10 year old (and I wouldn't be surprised if it's confusing to her, too)
*You told Max you NEVER lie to him, then moments later you were "explaining" about how things with Ms Texas are not serious, and you said to Max that you don't talk to Ms. Texas much--that she is very busy, with classes and stuff, that you have only talked about once a week for 5 minutes or so...yet he had just read on the blog that you don't have as much of a social life because you look forward to nightly chats with her, that you got up at 4 am to have a 2 hour cyber date...(so is 5 min the same as 2 hours a "misunderstanding"?)
*It's amazing how often you blame Max for "misunderstanding" or "miscommunication" with you--
Is it a "miscommunication" when you say that you worked and lived in Hollywood for 10 years as a director and producer? How does 1994-2000 add up to 10? Do you communicate that most of those years you were unemployed, and got fired from almost every company you have worked for? I could go on and on, but I'm sure it's all just a "miscommunication".
*You ARE a world away. YOUR choice. You have let them think you were coming back to see them this summer, even asking them 2 months ago if they wanted their visit with you this summer in Texas or California, and NOW you tell them that you probably won't be coming back this summer because you can't take the time off (and you only shared that after THEY asked you what your plans are this summer)--is THAT a miscommunication?
*Max kept saying what he was upset about was that you were not being honest with them. And that IS a form of lying--it is deceptive.
*They did not hang up on you...when they get frustrated because you won't validate their feelings (a.k.a making "excuses" or saying they are wrong) they said they didn't want to hear it anymore and didn't want to talk. There is a difference. But I think it makes them sound much worse if you portray them as disrespectful. ANYone who has ever met or been around the kids always comments that they are 3 of the most respectful, well behaved, well mannered children...it is only with you that this accusation of disrespect comes up...You are so concerned with the issue of disrespect, yet YOU cannot respect their wishes to not write about your phone calls and problems with them on the blog.
*You wrote that you cannot communicate with the other parent, but how can that happen when there is no regard for privacy--any communication between our house and you is broadcast to the world, with a very skewed, inaccurate representation; how does that build trust? What's CIVIL about that? Where is YOUR respect for your children, their wishes, their lives? What values are YOU modeling for them?
*They do see a lot more truth than you realize...when will YOU?
signed, "X"
X i think the reason Rick can't talk to the kids is b/c you have restricted and put restraints on the times they can talk to him! i'm sure he would be happy to talk to them more if you would allow him to do so without the control! you want to twist rick's blog postings to support the fact that he supposedly isn't being a proper father. you are really reaching. you have to look at this thing w/ ms. texas realistically. he's talked to her on the phone so it can only be so serious. get for real. it's not like he's been dating her and spending time in person etc with her for a long time. i think when rick blog's about her he is doing so innocently and certainly not in the malicious way that you are trying to portray. did you beat rick down about "being fired" from jobs when you were married? that would really suck. the marriage covenant says "for better or worse". encouragement in that situation i'm sure would have helped. seems you don't want to see him be successful. would it be so bad to show some respect for your children's father and not make it such a point in your home to disrespect him??? that takes a lot of energy not to mention hurts your kids b/c they really believe & take to heart what you tell them. if i were you i would pray about your bitterness...
-ajb
Wow AJB you said it all. Whoever you are you have amazing insight. You were right on with everything you said. Kettles always like to call a pot blacker, guilter, uglier, nastier. I ddon't know if all those are really words but they fit X and hubby. FYI Rick referred to above as a pot.....HA
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