Beyond Belief: Even more Parental Alienation Crap

For children, divorce is like the father grabbing the left wrist of the child and the mother grabbing the right wrist in a tug of war for control and affection of the child.  Kids are obviously the ones injured in the tussle.  Alienation is using words and actions so the child will shun the other parent in the tug of war.  I for the most part have let go of the wrist in order to not further harm the children. 

Here is how Wikipedia describes Parental Alienation:

Parental alienation is a social dynamic, generally occurring due to divorce or separation, when a child expresses unjustified hatred or unreasonably strong dislike of one parent, making access by the rejected parent difficult or impossible. These feelings may be influenced by negative comments by the other parent and by the characteristics, such as lack of empathy and warmth, of the rejected parent.

I have mentioned past illustrations of alienating actions in previous versions of this blog so I wont rehash it.  But something happened this past week that pushed me over the edge. 

The boys while visiting have been using our computers to check their emails.  They left their email open and we found the following correspondence between them and their stepdad. (whether parents have the right to check their children’s email is another blog.  The boys admit their mom checks their emails to ensure they don’t get in trouble. So, I as a parent did the same thing.)  First of all let me set up the scenario for you.  I have had the boys for the past six weeks.  The boys were scheduled to fly back to their mom’s house this past Saturday at 4:00 pm.  Their sister is returning from France at 2:00 pm at the same airport.  Since it would take her 1+ hours to get through customs their arrivals were close in proximity.  I had arranged for my good friend David to pick up the boys.  The boys know David well.   I was hesitant to fly them back myself because of Jennifer’s preeclampsia and her sporadic and sometimes skyrocketing high blood pressure. She had been hospitalized twice in the past week.  It was serious enough that the doctors are inducing on Tuesday and planning  an immediate C-section if induction doesn’t work. This is three weeks before her due date.    It is a serious situation and I don’t want to leave my wife’s side and fly halfway across the country leaving a very pregnant wife to fend for herself. Having the boys for six weeks made it a little easier to give up the last six hours in the air with this in mind. David is a trooper and agreed to help out.  The boys wanted to be at the airport to meet their sister.  So I told them I would contact their stepfather and give him the option of picking up the boys or just keeping the same plan having David pick them up.  This is the response that he sent the boys. 

“I am sorry I will not be able to pick you up on Saturday, Lindsey gets to the airport 2 hours before you and I am not going to sit there for 2 hours waiting for you with Lindsey after she has been flying for the previous 14 hours.  And I am not going to come home, drop Lindsey off, and turn right back around without even getting out of the car to come back and get you.  Your dad has made a choice to not bring you home, that his new life is more important than getting you home, that MAYBE he will have a new baby this weekend, and the chance of that is more important than spending time with you.  I am not going to change my life because he decided at the last minute to change the plans.  It just goes again to show how unimportant your dad thinks you guys are.”

The last sentence really is the most damning line for the alienation.  He uses the word “Again” which means they’ve talked about my actions in a negative tone before.  Then he tries to tell the boys that I think they are unimportant.  Those of you that know me know how ludicrous this statement is.  But even if I was a deadbeat dad and did horrible things, why in the world would you ever tell a child that their father thinks that they are unimportant?!?!  What are you trying to accomplish? What do you think the long term effects of this will be in building their esteem?   To me that crosses the line from parental alienation to psychological/mental abuse.  Now I believe this type of crap is only the tip of the iceberg.  I think there are many more illustrations of manipulation that have occurred that I just am unaware of the details because I don’t live in the house.  I do know my children repeat verbatim some of the nasty emails I get from their parents.  The proof is in the actions of my children and their vehement rejection of me.  Part of the alienation is that the children defend the alienating parent (and step) and argue that their choices, decisions, and actions are entirely their own and not influenced by any other person.  Well I might not know of every detail, but those I do know of, point to not only parental alienation, but severe alienation bordering on abuse.  Four years ago my kids loved me.  Today 2/3 of them detest me.  I haven’t gotten a hug from my kids in nearly two years. 

I can’t see any justification for this type of behavior from the adults in that house.  Oh in their minds I’m sure they can figure out how to avert blame, that is part of the syndrome.  I am told by dozens and dozens of people that have experienced something similar to this, that I am really powerless in this situation.  The custodial parent wields the most influence and my ex-wife is very cunning in her manipulative ways.  The only thing I can do is to continue to love my children and pray for a day of future reconciliation.  God feels my pain.  Since we are made in his image, Im sure he goes through something similar when we reject him.  But I know that God is giving me the strength to endure to not only thrive but to survive.  I don’t believe it’s a coincidence that Jennifer and I will be starting a new family in less than two days.  It is really poetic in a redemptive sort of way.    This is the emotional strength and support that I need.  It comes down to this.  My ex-wife has a new family, I have a new family and the kids are shuttled back and forth between the two.  For their sake I wish there could be harmony rather than finger pointing and blame aversion.  We both have moved on and its time to leave the bitterness in the past.   That is my prayer anyways.  It has now been five years since my divorce  and its getting worse by the month. 

Jennifer warns me of not talking about the Parental Alienation thing because I might start sounding like a broken record.  But when the other party continues to add new tracks to that Alienation broken record things will still get worse.  I love my kids and always have.  I will do virtually anything for them, yet my relationship with them for the most part keeps getting worse and worse no matter what I do.  My youngest still gets along with me but my middle son told me he has “given up” on me and my oldest seems to have given up three years ago.  Plus my phone number is blocked from their house so there is no way for me to talk to them.  Now this whole alienation is not just sour grapes.  I have sufficient evidence to prove it in court now.  When one son says tells me that he is afraid of having too much fun because he’ll get in trouble, and the other son tells me he got in trouble for acting like a little kid (He was 12, when are you not supposed to act like a little kid?) and the third just refuses to communicate with me whatsoever in any form.  It shows me that this is not all in my imagination. 

So why do I harp so openly about alienation?  Well first of all it is incredibly painful for me as I adore my children and I always have.  I would never knowingly do anything to harm them, although my actions in the past and present have been skewed -  part of the alienation process.  Second I have had so many associates, friends and family tell me that they have been through something very similar either as a child or as the parent.  The facts are virtually the same it’s just that names have been changed.  Thirdly there are so many people that read this blog that have become prayer partners with me. Their support is invaluable.  Fourthly chronicling the experiences help some parents that are considering divorce to reconsider their actions based on the emotional trauma that it inflicts on the children.  I have had quite a few people respond through this blog or via email to tell me this.

The loss of the relationship with my children has cast a deep and heavy toll upon my heart.  But I can’t focus on what I lost.  I can only focus on the hope of reconciliation with them someday in the hopefully not so distant future and the reality of a soon to be filled crib in our nursery.  Despite my temporary losses I still feel like the most blessed man on the planet.  God is indeed faithful, but your prayers are appreciated to help speed the process up.