Reluctant Acceptance

 It’s another good day.  This is starting to be the trend.  Again, nothing out of the ordinary happened to me today.  But nothing bad happened today either.  I think it is just a matter of me accepting my reality of being alone.  I can’t do anything in my power to change anything at the moment.  The only thing I can control is how I respond to it.  At first the grief, despair and solitude were quite overwhelming.  Those emotions are still there but I’m responding differently.  I believe it has largely to do with my faith.  I’m just trusting God through all of this.  I know it sounds cliche but I can’t look at 8 months from now and wonder what is going to happen.  I can only look at tomorrow.  I have no idea what the future will hold.  I continue to pray but God doesn’t always answer my prayers in the manner in which I ask.  It’s either Yes, No, or not yet.  It’s the “not yet” that is the hard part.  I am in a nebulous state.  How long does the “not yet” part take?  I’m a planner or at least I’m trying to be.  It’s hard to plan when you don’t have an end date in mind.  I’m in the weird state right now (not North Carolina) but I’m not married, I’m not divorced, I’m not single, and I’m not part of a couple…I’m nebulous.  That is tough to take. The only thing I know is I’m a child of God, and I’m a father. That is my identity and it is slowly but surely sustaining me.   So I’m able to make it through by searching for the silver linings in all of this.  I’ve always been good at finding silver linings.  I can psyche myself up and convince myself that I should be content and joyful but having to do that everyday can be exhausting.  I do appreciate having this forum to vent, cry out, reach out and celebrate when I have that opportunity.  This forum helps me feel less alone.  I know someone is reading and you must care a bit to do that.  Plus who knows how all this information will be disseminated.  I know a few people reached out with my horrors of my last divorce and personally told me my struggles/pain convinced them to stay and work on their marriage.  If I can do that, well…I can’t say it would be worth it.  But I can say that God can create Beauty from Ashes.  I always like helping people so if I can do that even a bit, that brings a lot of joy and satisfaction in the darkness.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  It is obscure but I know it’s there even if it’s hard to see sometimes.    

School is going very well and that in large part is where I’m hanging my identity.  The students, as we are going into second Quarter, are now trying to shoot their movies they wrote in Q1. Before I tried to micro-manage them making sure they did everything right and by the book.  But when you have ten different projects that can be quite exhausting and not feasible.  Instead I’m letting them go out and make their mistakes.  Hopefully they can lears from them.  I can explain theory all day long but until they actually do it and see their work, my words means very little.  There is a always a “Oh that’s what Mr. Beeman warned us about…” moment.  I actually encourage them to make mistakes noting that I’ve made thousands with a s in my lifetime.  I think making mistakes helps push the boundaries of what you are capable of.  

My youngest daughter has been accompanying me to my (6-11) acting classes.  This does several positive things.  It helps the other students have someone else they can perform and interact with, It builds up my daughter’s esteem and ability and selfishly, I get to hang out with her for an extra two hours on Wednesday.  It gives me something to look forward to every week.  It’s working, last year she was very shy and refused to participate.  Now she is volunteering.  I’m so proud of her.  In this season of Thanksgiving there is a lot I can be thankful for.  It’s getting easier and easier to focus on what I have instead of bemoaning what I don’t have.  Life is good, God is faithful and the future looks bright once again.