A Thanksgiving Guest

 Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I wasn’t really looking forward to the holidays.  In fact I was kind of dreading it.  I’m not a big fan of winter, especially this year.  Winter to me always symbolized cold and death.  I know that’s pretty dark.  Even in the old days for the cold days, I used to be able to look forward to cuddling up on the couch in front of the fire staying warm.  The cold symbolized an excuse to get cozy with a loved one in a romantic sense. That was the main thing I liked about the winter holidays.  That option is off the table for me right now.  Right now the cold is a reminder to me that I’m alone.  That said, I’m walking through this season with hope and faith that God has a plan.  My hope is in the Lord.  

I’ve had a really nice couple of days.  I feel hope again.  Not that anything changed but I know that life has good things to offer.  My youngest son from my first marriage came to spend the night with me yesterday on his way to Myrtle Beach.  It was just cool to hang out with him.  He is doing well.  He loves movies and sports just like I do.  So it’s fun to talk with him about that.  

Today I was graciously invited by my wife to spend Thanksgiving with her, the kids and her parents.  I was hesitant.  It’s just awkward being a guest in your own home or what used to be my home.  It was a great opportunity to spend more time with my girls. They don’t need to see their dad being lonely or feeling sorry for himself.  They were glad to have me there.  The dog was also thrilled that we were all together in the same room again.  I was happy to be there as well.  It brought back so many fond memories, plus facebook is always throwing those fond memories in my face as well.  So I tried to maintain the attitude of not missing being there but appreciative of the time I get to spend there now.  It’s a small change in perspective that seems to be working.  Yes I’m single and living alone right now, but I have faith that this situation will not be a permanent one for me. 

 I have a really good therapist right now.  He’s an intern/trainee but he is amazing.  I’ve been to A LOT of therapists over the past 10 years and this is the first one that has really nailed me for who I am and what I need to do to be me again or the right version of me.  He recommended a book to me that really opened up my eyes.  The book is Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody.  This author really encapsulated everything there is about me and why I suffer the way that I do.  I am a love addict and Mellody precisely explains why I became this way and offered practical steps to healing.  For both of my marriages I reasoned that there was nothing wrong with a Husband loving his Wife too much.  So I leaned into it thinking that God certainly would bless the marriage, It’s all over the Bible isn’t it?  But the problem that I learned is that I placed my spouse on too high of a pedestal.  My wife actually became a type of god to me validating me or invalidating me depending on the time/scenario.  That is simply too much pressure to put on anyone let alone a spouse.  At times my priorities became way out of whack.  This led to a whole other set of issues/ramifications.  Perhaps this is the same reason why God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac.  Perhaps Isaac became too much of a priority in Abraham’s life and it might have partially obscured his view of God.  

In the book, I learned that there were also certain attachment styles that I was drawn to and subsequently were drawn to me.  Those styles were magnetic initially bringing us very closely and quickly together, inseparable really.  But ultimately that same attraction soon morphed into repellant pushing the forces away from each other.  I wish I would have read this book 20 years ago.  The things I have learned could have saved so much heart break.  But, I’m learning those things now so it’s better late than never.  I just have to trust God that this is all playing a part in his great plan in my life and my children’s lives.  I don’t know how everything will ultimately shake out, but I know whatever it is will be for Good because I’m doing my part now and will continue to do so.  

I just communicated with my friend who like me is also separated from his Wife.  He spent a very lonely thanksgiving alone.  While my thanksgiving wasn’t perfect for me, i’m thankful that I was able to spend it with my family once again in my home, albeit temporarily as a guest.  It was far better than the alternative like my friend.  I’m so appreciative of that.  I get my girls for the weekend tomorrow and I’m so excited about that.  Hope has filled my heart once again.