A haunting darkness of despair

 I had a very strong impression a few days ago that this was going to be a very tough week. So I was able to prepare for it…or so I thought.  I did blog about this a couple of days ago.  So I had a bad day on Thursday but a surprisingly good day on Friday.  I thought I was out of the woods.  Boy was I wrong.  Yesterday, Saturday was absolutely brutal.  Did anything bad happen to me to make it horrible? no.  There was just a heaviness on me that I could almost feel.  I was filled with fear, depression and doubt.  It just kind of snuck up on me, right after I finished yesterday’s blog post around 8:00pm.  Some people believe in spiritual attacks and some people don’t.  The great line from the Usual Suspects is “The greatest trick the Devil ever did was convince the world he didn’t exist.”  I felt what can only be described as a dark presence all night last night even waking up in the middle of the night to it. Since this is Halloween, I felt haunted.   It was so surreal.  I was filled with despair no matter how often I cried out to God and tried to pray it away.  It was just there and wouldn’t go away.  I don’t like my life right now, and I certainly hate the season that I’m in right now.  Some of it was my doing, some of it wasn’t.  But still I’m in the thick of it.  

Today I was encouraged because the sermon from JD Greear at Summit Church seemed custom made just for me.  The Why of Your Pain:  https://summitchurch.com/message/the-why-of-your-pain  This encouraged me greatly.  

I’m linking it just in case anyone out there needs to hear it. I know this sucky time will pass.  I know I will have better days ahead.  I know my hope will return with a vengeance, but only in God’s timing.  For me it comes down as simple logic.  How effective am I if I’m miserable and full of doubt?  How will that invite people into the Kingdom?  People are already miserable without God, why should they add Guilt to their misery?  It seems like Marketing 101.  I’m more likely going to be a good witness for Christ if I can demonstrate Love, Joy and Peace in the midst of struggles.  For the last 24 hours It’s been really difficult.  David cried out to God in the Psalms asking God to hurry up.  I feel the same way.  Psalm 70:1: "Make haste, O God, to deliver me; make haste to help me, O Lord". Psalm 70:5: "But I am poor and needy: make haste unto me, O God: thou art my help and my deliverer; O Lord, make no tarrying".  I know that I know that I know that this season will come to an end.    One of my verses I read almost every day is from 2 Corinthians 4:17 7 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

What I experienced last night I cannot describe as light.  Momentary yes, but certainly not light.  It will be seen as light in hindsight not in the present tense.  I was in the midst of a spiritual attack on my soul, or at least that is what it felt like.  I just had to endure it, not self medicate and trust that God would see me through it.  It was a spiritual attack, and one I was able to withstand.  Today was so much better.  I was able to see my girls which always is an emotional and psychological breath of fresh air into my life.  My faith and my girls are what grounds me right now.  The depression and hopelessness I felt last night was so surreal.  So I can take that darkness and interpret it a couple of different ways.  It’s always darkest before the dawn.  Or the Enemy is trying to finish me off while he still has the chance.  He went for the knockout blow.   I’m still standing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Thank you Elton John.  There will be other days of despair in my life for sure.  But if I overcame the one from yesterday, I certainly can overcome the ones that will come tomorrow.  I know there are a lot of people out there praying for me and encouraging me. I appreciate and covet all of your (their) prayers.  My prayers in turn are for you to be encouraged through my season so you can learn from it and hopefully won’t have endure it like I am.    I have so much to be thankful for.  God is bringing so many people into my life that have situations far worse than my own.  So I have extreme empathy for them.  Now that I made it through this battle I can resume my focus on their well being and not just my own.  I had to affix my own life mask before I could help others.  Yesterday I overcame the darkness, today I survived, hopefully tomorrow I will thrive once more.  Wow..I don’t want to experience that again anytime soon.