Making the Best of It.

 I didn’t want to write yesterday. I was having a down day.  I thought, why should I write another “Rick is so lonely” piece.  At one point in life I really thought I was the happiest, most optimistic guy on the planet.  At least that is what I was striving to be.  Yet for the last year I’ve been the opposite of me.  I don’t feel like myself. That is why It’s so foreign to me, this loneliness, depression thing.   I know that this is a temporary phase and I’ll get out of it eventually.  The duration of the depression/loneliness is something that I can’t factor in or control.  I’m trying to make the best of it, and somedays I do.  Yesterday was not one of those days, but today is.  I miss being part of a team,  I miss having a partner, I miss having someone I could be proud of, admire and express my admiration,  I miss tucking my kids in at night and praying with them.  I miss checking on them in the middle of the night.  I miss having a partner to just sit with. What I would give just sit and to look into her eyes again.   I miss the thought of having someone to stick with you no matter what, for better or worse.  I know my choices led to my partner thinking she had no other choice but to leave me.  Healing for me does not come with aspersions of blame.  It might make me feel better for a moment but then the reality hits moments later.  Bitterness is so empty.  I’m trying to choose to not be bitter but that doesn’t make the loneliness go away either.  I miss my old life, wife, family and dog.  So I can’t keep looking in the rear view mirror but it’s so tempting sometimes to stare back at yesterday, the good old days.  

Today was a better day.  I went to a meeting to ground myself for the day.  Then I spent it very productively working out, grading papers and getting ready for the Improv contest.  I also had ⅔ of my girls for the evening.  But even that was a bit harrowing.  As I was driving to take my girls to dinner then the Improv show, my Omnipod started beeping informing me I was out of insulin.  I had forgotten all about the warning I got earlier today that I was running low.  My pod only carries about 3 days worth of Insulin so I’m changing it 2-3 times a week.  I keep extra supplies at work as I often run out in the middle of a school day.  But here I was 30 miles from my house/insulin with not a lot of time to spare.  So I could’ve gotten angry at myself, but what good would that have done?  I just had to reframe the narrative and make the best of it.  We rushed home, the girls got a quick snack while I got more insulin.  We rushed back out.  My youngest really wanted Panda Express, we all did really.  So we had enough time still to scarf down dinner.  We all shared a big plate, we each picked and entree and shared the noodles, which is our usual routine.  I think my youngest just wanted the fortune cookie.  She already knows how to read, so she read the fortune herself.  I did not teach her how to read, my wife did.  The five year old is brilliant and had a good teacher.  

So we get to Lune Spark and no one was there.  We have been marketing the Funniest Person for a couple of weeks but still no is attending.  Maybe it’s not going to happen. The last iteration took about 6 weeks to grow.    So I had to make another choice.  I could complain about the marketing and point fingers or just make the best of it.  The girls were very excited to participate even if it would be just us.  Then another co-worker arrived and brought her two little ones and a friend.  So we had a total of five.  Boy did we have a blast.  I had to model having fun.  The new kids were hesitant at first but laughter and energy are contagious.  Soon all six of us were off script just being silly together.  There was so much laughter, enthusiasm and joy.  It really warmed my heart.  My girls were leading by example.  My middle child is a brilliant actress and fantastic improviser.  My youngest went from not wanting to participate last week to leading the charge this week.  The other three kids quickly followed suit.  Not only were they having fun, but I was having a blast as well.  We could have focusws on the low attendance, the rain, or other things out of our control.  But instead we just made the best of it.  It was a great night.  

My life is not where I want it to be right now, but I just have to make the best of it again.  I have Peace and Joy tonight.  Hopefully happiness is following suit right around the corner but I’m not holding my breath for it. God promised me it would come, I just have to wait on His perfect timing and plan for my life.   Until happiness graces my doorstep again, I’ll just make the best of it because God is faithful.  I just had a rush of hope hit me in that last sentence.  It felt good.  “Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies,”-The Shawshank Redemption   I like Hope, It’s been missing for the past several months.  Psalm 121 says: I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

    where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the Lord,

    the Maker of heaven and earth.

I didn’t feel it yesterday, I didn’t feel it this morning or afternoon but I feel it right now.  It feels pretty good.  Making the best of it worked today.