Marco Polo on the playground
What a wonderful last few days it has been. I’ve trying not to be obsessive or addicted to writing in this blog. I am a creature of habit and like doing things in a routine, as long as it stays healthy. When it wasn’t conducive to write, I chalked it up to having my priorities in the right place. I had my girls this past weekend and it was absolutely wonderful. I love spending time with them so much. I’m sure to value and cherish each moment I have with them as the time is so limited.
One of things my youngest loves to do is go to the playground by my townhouse. It’s a small little part which is fenced in. So we take the dog with us even though the sign tells us not to do so. We seemingly are the only ones that use the park and we always pick up after the dog, so I’m willing to challenge that rule. But this time, surprisingly enough, all three girls wanted to go to the playground. I mean, I had a high schooler, middle schooler, and a Kindergartener having fun playing at the tiny playground as a family. It was so special. We played a game that I both loved and hated at the same time. Essentially it was “Marco Polo” only on the playground as opposed to being in the water. As I was walking around with my eyes closed (I unlike my 5 year old, did not cheat), paranoid I would run into something, crash my shin into a pole, or trip. I couldn’t help but laugh as my girls giggling in delight caused me to giggle in delight. I finally caught one, and then the other girls were dying to be “it”. They didn’t want to leave. We had so much fun in fact, the girls insisted we go back to the playground the next day (today). The separation/potential divorce is robbing the girls of something very special and I absolutely HATE it. They are having to grow up far too early and face the consequences of the “real world.” As a parent I’m supposed to protect them against that and let their childhood innocence last as long as possible. I’m not trying cast blame here as I am just as culpable in my failed marriage as anyone. I feel so guilty in contributing to part of that especially since I was a part of it twice now. But the laughter of a high schooler playing with her dad and sisters at a tiny play ground alleviated that guilt if only for a few moments. It was bliss and brought us all joy.
There is a common refrain in justifying the separation of parents, “Kids are resilient.” I HATE that lie. Yes they are resilient but they also hurt, are damaged, and the consequences will affect them for the rest of their lives. We can all justify our behaviors and rationalize away our choices and actions. But many of our choices extend far beyond ourselves and affect the lives of those closest to us. God HATES divorce and I can easily see why. I HATE it too with an absolute passion. But what I hate and love bear little consequence at the moment. I also don’t like being in control. So I’m feeling a lot of mixed emotions right now. I feel great sorrow and shame that I let my precious innocent girls down. I’m sad because I couldn’t give them what my parents gifted me in terms of a 60+ year marriage of love and commitment. At the same time, I’m overflowing with Joy, Peace and Hope knowing that the Lord is directing my steps. In real time I’m seeing “All these things will be added unto you as I seek God first.” It might not be added to me in the way that I prefer but will be added nonetheless. God is absolutely faithful. I’m sad because my house no longer looks like a tornado hit it, I’m sad because my house is solemn and silent with the exception of the drone of the dishwasher, I’m sad because three humans aren’t glued to their devices and the TV isn’t on, But I’m happy because all that chaos just happened to me the last 48 hours and those memories will be my fuel for Hope for the next week. Im hopeful again that God indeed has a plan for my life. He wants me happy and I will be in long run that I’m assured of. In the meantime my prayer is continuously asking for God to protect my family and reveal Himself to all of us. If you pray, please pray for my girls that Lord will keep is had over them. Thank You.
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