Don't just do something, Stand There.

 Certain days I’m confident and full of hope.  Other days I’m not.  I really have no idea what my life will look like in five years.  I can see a number of different scenarios playing out.  Sometimes this uncertainty drives me bananas.  I don’t like being out of control.  Yet at this moment the only thing I can control is how I respond to things I can’t control.  Sound confusing?  Welcome to my life.  I do know this.  My hope is not in anyone or any job.  My hope is solely in the Lord at this moment. Now if I would have had this mindset all along I could have saved myself a lot grief and heartache.  It’s a shame that I had to lose everything nearly hitting rock bottom emotionally and psychologically for me to resolidify my spiritual walk. My spiritual walk goes in stages similar to the cycles where the children of Israel went through when they were wandering around in the desert.     I’m happy that God finally got my attention but I wish it wasn’t under these circumstances.  I can see myself completely at peace with the path down option A yet at the same time I can also see myself at peace through option B.  I just don’t want to be alone, that’s my biggest fear in Option C.  And that is precisely why I’m probably alone at this very moment.  I get the irony.    So I placed my hope in God knowing that whatever option presents itself that I will be OK. I just don’t want it to be Option C.  But then again, God can always change the desires of my heart to align with his will.  Which reminds me of a story.  I was terrified, well that might be too strong a word.  I was worried that God would call me either to the ministry or the mission field.  I had no interest in either.  Yet when I look back in life, other than creating wonderful children the greatest things I accomplished in my life were either in the mission field or in the ministry.  I would go back to doing either in a heartbeat.  So I know that God knows better about my needs than I do.    Do I have a preference for the options?  Of course I do.  But I can honestly say at this moment I’m at peace with whatever outcome presents itself.  Im not in control so I’m totally reliant on the Lord.  But this whole “waiting on the Lord” thing is a process.  Ask me tomorrow and I might have a different response.  Like grief, hope comes in waves.  Certain days I’m filed with hope other days not so much.  I know intellectually that God always keeps his promises.  But I also know that my flesh makes me doubt sometimes.  

“Where is my faith? — even deep down right in there is nothing … but emptiness & darkness. … I have no faith. … I dare not utter the words & thoughts that crowd in my heart … that make me suffer untold agony.” 

Now that is not my quote but I certainly can echo its sentiments.  That quote is from Mother Theresa.  If a stalwart of faith like Mother Theresa can question her faith then Im in good company.  My faith is super strong at times, but waning in other parts of the day.  I try to reflect that much in my blog mixing in the good days with the bad days.  I just hate not being in control, but I think that is exactly where I am supposed to be right now.  I’m supposed to learn something.  I wish I had the cliff notes version of the lesson or I could test out of the course.  I want this loneliness and agony to end tomorrow.  What further scares me is the scope of time.  For God a thousand years is but a day.  The Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years because of their sin.  I could rationalize waiting 40 days or even 40 weeks.  But when it comes to thinking about waiting 40 months or 40 years that’s when I get discouraged.  I know I’m supposed to be “Waiting on the Lord” right now.  I really don’t have any choice but to wait.  I’ve learned the hard way that if I try to speed up the process I only wind up slowing it down.  The other thing that God has really impressed upon me the past couple of weeks is there is nothing I can do to fix my situation.  The only thing I can do is make it worse. I’ve tried fixing it recently and it just blew up in my face.   A quote I think I came up with originally was “Don’t just do something, Stand There.”  I might have heard it somewhere before.  But that is what I am called to do.  A quick chat GPT reveals that I did not originate the quote but I’ve certainly embraced it.  Clint Eastwood among others used it as he was directing actors.  I’m called right now just to “Seek God”  and “Trust God” or simply just to “Stand There.”  I don’t have any other options at this point.  It says in Psalm 46:10: “Be still, and know that I am God.” 

Today I am able to do that with full confidence.  I might not be so bold and confident tomorrow but I am today.