Doing what I want, when I want, albeit reluctantly

 I had a different yet totally fulfilling day. I was tempted to feel guilty for doing whatever I want but that is the position in which I find myself.  I spent most of my adult life trying to figure out what to do for the best of the group/unit and then trying to make the best of it.  Now I find myself just needing to be concerned with one.  I wish it were different.  I’m starting to embrace my new identity of being single albeit reluctantly single.  I should say in my singleness I’m leaning into my faith in God like never before.  While I’m alone I’m increasingly less lonely.  While I do miss the companionship of a spouse and the presence of my kids I’m learning to be at peace at all times.  The hard part for me in being alone is that I will always believe it is best for the children to be reared in a two parent home with their mom and dad.  So I find myself with guilt in not being able to provide that stable foundation for my own children. My parents provided that foundation for me yet this is the second failed marriage where I let down my children.  I HATE that I did that to them.   My prayer is that God will heal their hearts and protect them.  I do miss them and wish I could be with them all the time.  As time passes though, I’m getting used to being alone. The irony is that I don’t want to get used to it.  It hit me today that I’ve crossed some sort of psychological/spiritual threshold.  While I still have my days where I’m sad and lonely, those days are becoming fewer and far between.  I have found that I’m having more good days than bad days.  Is it the adage that Time heals all wounds or am I just getting used to it?  I think that God is transforming the desires of my heart to align with His will.  My will is to be reconciled and rejoined with my family.  But that might not be reality.  I can hope, pray, wish, and dream but it all comes down to God’s perfect will.  I have to trust and accept the fact that He has a plan for my life and my children.  The longer this thing drags on, the more I’m slowly beginning to accept it.  

Today was a short day as schools ran on a two hour delay.  Yay…I could sleep in and not have to get up at 5:15.  The advantage of getting into work at 6:30a is that you get done really early.  After school, I had just enough time to hit the gym for a quick condensed workout before a movie.  I love going to Alamo Drafthouse.  My children were nice enough to give me gift cards for my birthday.  I like going to Alamo because it seems more efficient.  I have to eat anyway so might as well watch a movie while I do that.  Movies are my healthy escape right now.  It’s a mental drug to help alleviate the loneliness and quiet at least temporarily.  I’ve gone into this concept with my high schoolers before but it flew right over their heads.  We go to movies/watch TV for a vicarious experience.  Meaning we watch to experience the emotions of the characters on the screen.  We watch sports for the same vicarious experience as well.  We pretend in our mind that we are the players and we share the emotions of their thrill of their victory or the agony of their defeat (Jim McKay). I will never hit a 3 pointer in an NBA game.  In fact, I’m terrible at basketball.   But when I watch Steph Curry hit a three I pretend that I’m him and I know what it feels like.  So when we watch a movie where justice prevails we feel a bit vindicated indirectly of our own injustice that might have happened to us.  It makes us feel a bit better if we have any unresolved pain that we can’t fix. There are some injustice that happens to us which may never be resolved.  But when we see others get justice it helps us feel better about our own unjust situations in their resolution or lack thereof.  

I saw the latest Knives Out mystery as it got 92% on Rotten Tomatoes and a stellar cast.  Mysteries are fun.  We might not always have the answers in life but when we see a good mystery it satisfies those base longings for answers because we are watching vicariously.  It is soothing.  Now movies and TV shows can have a salve effect on our psyche, they can also be very destructive.  There are just certain things that scar you and stay in your brain.  I have to really guard against that especially now in my loneliness.  Fortunately I have a great support system in place where I can responsibly do that.  

After the movie I came home to my dog.  My kids know that I’m lonely so they offered for me to take him which I was grateful to do.  So I came from a day at work, a workout, a late lunch and a movie and settled in for the night.  I didn’t have any other agenda for the night.  I took a quick nap at 5p on the couch with the dog napping on my chest happily because I could.  This dog loves to cuddle.  Then I got up, made dinner, watched another great Apple TV show called Pluribus.  It’s all about this character that is alone in the world.  You think I can relate to that one?  All along the evening I talk to God, sometimes out loud, sometimes in my heart, and sometimes in praise and worship. But my prayer like Paul advocated is “never ceasing”  I know that this is a season where God is trying to get me to be totally reliant upon him.  I just pray that I can learn quickly.  I want to be loved again and I want to love.  For now I have my savior and that will have to be enough. Today it was.