Embracing Solitude.

It is so strange, bizarre and exhilarating what is happening to me. I am actually noticing it in real time.  I’m being transformed.  Now I’ve prayed, prayed and prayed to God to do certain things.  I was quite specific and insistent on the exact details of my prayers.  I told God exactly what I wanted Him to do and when.  And I kept praying and praying and praying.  There are always three ways that God ALWAYS answers prayers.  Yes, No, and not yet.  This has been true of my life time and time again.  What He also revealed to me is that God can change my heart.  I prayed for two to three solid years for God to restore my first marriage.  I prayed fervently and passionately.  The good part is that the more I prayed to closer I got to God.  Then the revelation hit.  God hit me with a No to my prayer but with a caveat I later found out.  It was No (because I have something better for you).  I just didn’t realize it at the time.  That’s when the revelation of Psalm 37:11 really hit home.  “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  Sometimes God changes your heart to align with His will thus your desires get changed.  That is exactly what happened to me 20 years ago.  Boy did He ever have something better, even spectacular in mind for me.  

Now here I am 20 years later having made some of the same mistakes I made in the first marriage. (I’m not trying to blame my former spouses, there is no healing in that.  Instead I’m trying to keep the focus on myself and my internal failures.)   I’ve already hit the lowest of the lows and felt the pain of despair like I’ve never felt before.  But I believe I’m now trending in the positive direction.  I’m hopeful because if God delivered me 20 years ago because I repented and gave myself wholly over to His will wouldn’t it stand to reason that He would deliver me again.  After all He delivered the children of Israel time and time again once they repented and sought God with all their heart which is what I’m doing at the present moment.  

I’ve done a lot of learning and self-reflection over the past year.  I do have a deep-seated fear of abandonment that I’ve had since I was a child for various reasons including my ADHD.  This has led to unhealthy attachment styles which were not sustainable in the marriages that I chose to cultivate.  Then this led to various Love and other addictions that wreaked havoc on me and my families.  This leads us today where I’m separated, lonely and desperately missing my family again.  While all that is still true, what is different now is that I’m brimming with hope again.  God is meeting me where I need him to meet me.  I still have a great fear of abandonment which is filled with Irony because I’m experiencing abandonment in the present.  This is not meant to cast aspersion or blame because my choices/actions directly and indirectly led to my being abandoned again.  But I’m sharing this as a type of revelation/realization that has really hit home this past week.  I don’t feel abandoned right now, because God is with me.  He answered my prayer. He answered it in not exactly in the way I wanted him to answer it, but an answer nonetheless.  I mentioned the past few blogs that I actually am beginning to like myself again, on my way to loving myself again.  This is not egotistical pride talking, but it is self confidence and healthy esteem based in the fact that I am a child of the King.  When this whole horrible odyssey started last year I had some real low spots.  I tried to arrange my schedule to never be home alone, just only to sleep.  That’s why I worked so many hours and used so many excuses to stay away from my lonely townhouse.  It worked for awhile.  Then it hit me today.  I kind of like being alone right now, or at least I’m getting used to it.  Would I change my situation?  Yes in a New York Minute.  But I can’t change it, not on my own.  I just have to accept it.  

The last two days were the ultimate test on my new attitude.  We had snow days the last two days.  North Carolina freaks out with the hint of inclement weather.  So who am I to complain about remote working days?   So I’ve spent a lot of extra time at my house without my kids and without my dog and guess what?  They were great days.  Nothing spectacular happened, I’m just filled with peace and joy.  Because I didn’t have any extra commitments or obligations, I even got some chores done and picked up an Amazon Flex shift.  I periodically pick up a shift or two over the holidays/summer because I really enjoy it.  I needed the extra money too because I overspent a bit on Christmas gifts.  Today wasn’t just filled with peace and joy but happiness as well.  I didn’t realize how happy I was/am until I started recounting the week in this journal/blog.  I’m blessed because God is faithful.  Now my prayers haven’t been answered just yet.  Instead my happiness is derived from the hope in His faithfulness which I anticipate will be happening shortly.  It’s just such a strange sensation to be filled with peace and joy when there are emotional and psychological explosions happening all around you.  Even though the happy days have been sparse, they still have been there because I’ve positioned myself with attitude of faith and hope.  I’ve been praying for God to fill me and my family with all the Fruits of the Spirit so they could be manifested within me and them. I’ve also been praying for God to reveal Himself to all of my family as well as myself.   That prayer has been answered at least from my point of view.  I know tomorrow, I might be filled with despair as the grief of missing my family might hit me again.  But if it does, I’ll know it’s temporary.  I’ve quoted 2 Corinthians 4:17 hundreds of times over the past few years (not an exaggeration) “For our momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison,”  It was even mentioned in my church service recently, I think it was last Sunday or the Sunday before.  I didn’t really believe the verse when I recited it out loud all these times over the years.  But I believe it right now.  The present is where I need to be focused with great anticipation and hope for the future.  What a difference a year in hell can make if you focus on God in the right manner to deliver you.  If He can deliver me (which is a process) certainly He can deliver anyone.