Living out Plot Point 2 in real time

 I feel like I’m on an emotional pendulum.  Today was a good day.  I had hope.  It was totally opposite of yesterday.  I think that I might not be stable with all the swings going back and forth with my psyche.  The good thing is that I’m internalizing this.  The only place I’m sharing my feelings is through this forum and with my therapists. Yes that is plural. I’m reaching out to many people wiser than me as I navigate the treacherous waters of despair, hope and joy.   

I’m writing this blog for a couple of reasons.  1. Most importantly it’s good therapy for me.  I enjoy being able to write and be creative.  This gives me the most fulfillment.  That is why I wanted to become a writer in the first place. Other than my family and my faith, the greatest joy I I get in life is inspiring others through my creativity.    Yet it is so difficult to make a living as an artist thus I’m a teacher as my day job and I write in the hours that I can.  2. I’m hoping I can be an inspiration to others.  We are so programmed to hide our weaknesses both in society and the church.  Very seldom has anyone ever come up to me and said, I’m really hurting, I need help.  We are just programmed by society to avoid all of that even in church.  Every week I go up to the altar/stage and pray with a prayer partner.  Im usually the only one.    Often times when we show weakness it makes other people uncomfortable because they don’t know how to respond.  For example, how many of us are really honest when we answer the question “How are you?” Does the asker even want a response or is it just another way to say Hello?  It’s always awkward when I answer honestly because that usually is met with a panicked expression from the asker like nonverbally saying “Does not compute…error…error.”  So maybe I’m trying to lead by example in sharing all my vulnerabilities and warts.  It is not meant to make me look good nor is meant to elicit sympathy.  Instead it’s just me hoping that maybe others will feel more comfortable in sharing their struggles.  If the world did more of that we most likely wouldn’t feel all alone or isolated.  

As I pray God has made it clear to me that there is not much I can do to fix my situation. I can only trust God.   This is frustrating as a man because we want to fix things.  I’ve been hearing over and over again this week to Wait on the Lord.  Both through my church services, friends, counselors and even my daily Bible reading in the book of Isaiah.  “Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like Eagles, they shall walk and not faint.”  I recite that verse outloud multiple times a week yet today it was in my chronological reading plan.  I wish I had a road map I could go by to lead me out of the mess that I put myself in.  Well the Bible is a road map for that but usually in a long-term wait on the Lord kind of way.  The thing I’m banking on is. “Seek First the Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you.”  This is what I’m doing in this blog.  It is both a means of communication to others and a forum for me to cry out to God.  I’m learning not to over-react to the bad days like yesterday, and focus on how God has met my needs in the past.  Logically speaking if He met my needs in the past surely He will meet my needs in the future.  But this is the part that scares me, and it really shouldn’t.  Psalm 37:11 is something I quote nearly daily.  “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  So how do you delight in Him when you are lonely and miserable?  I’m still working through that one.  But I do know that whenever I have my girls it’s a reminder of God’s goodness and faithfulness.  I have so much Joy even happiness when I have them.  It’s just a reminder of what I used to have.  My daughters are so remarkable.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and my heart grows every time I’m away from them.  So here is the part that scares me,  But I’m being 100% transparent.  I know by past experience with God’s goodness and graciousness that sometimes the desires of your/my heart can change to align with His will.  Maybe I’m not ready to have my heart change, not yet anyway.  That scares me in a major way.  But then I just have to trust and continue to Seek God because I know he knows better than I do with Him being Omniscient and Omnipresent and all.  He already knows how my story will end.  I feel like I’m living out Plot Point #2 in real time waiting for the bridge to get me to Act 3 and the resolution.  This movie is an epic and epics take time. Also I’m not really sure which genre I’m in right now.  Is it a comedy, drama, love story, or tragedy?  It’s most likely not a tragedy but it sure feels like it sometimes like yesterday for example.    I don’t like the waiting but the story has been fascinating thus far.  I do believe in Hollywood Endings and am trusting God to fashion one for me.