Confounding Hope

 It’s confounding.  I am so filled with hope right now.  Yet nothing really out of the ordinary happened in the physical realm to warrant that hope.  In fact, I’m in the same situation as I was in May when I was at the very bottom filled with despair.  The only thing I can really attribute it to is my faith.  I’ve mentioned before that there is nothing really I can do to fix my situation.  The only thing I know to do is to “Seek God first and All these things will be added unto you.” So that’s what I’ve been doing, Seeking God at every opportunity.  While my situation on the outside doesn’t seem to have changed,  the internal side of has changed.  I really can’t explain it.  Maybe that’s why they say it’s the Peace that passes all understanding because it makes no sense.  

I should be just as miserable as I was before but for some reason I’m not.  The only thing that I can reason is that God is faithful.  The crazy part is that I knew this would happen.  I just didn’t know when exactly.  I was hoping sooner rather than later.  This is why I was so specific in my despair detailing my hurts and frustrations.  I was trying to be like Babe Ruth calling his shot in the World Series in 1932.  I knew that God would deliver me and I wanted to experience every detail so that His faithfulness could get magnified.  

I think It’s important to note that I still have a long way to do.  There were be bad days, lonely days, frustrating days and days I just want to give up.  This past month has taught me when those days happen I just have to hold my breath, trudge forward and pray that tomorrow would be a better day.  Thus far that strategy is working.  I know in the near future that there will be days filled with elation and happiness as well.  This will be such a welcome respite.  I truly hope that others can be encouraged by the trials that I find myself in.  Many of my issues were self-inflicted and some were not.  But the beauty of Grace is that it doesn’t matter if they were self-inflicted or not.  God’s grace does not discriminate.  

I have so many things to be thankful for right now.  My life isn’t perfect or ideal.  In fact I have the same type of problems I had last year.  But by focusing on my faith I know that God will see me through those problems.  It makes the pain seem so temporary.  I have to temper myself from getting too excited about the future. I don’t even know how to pray certain days.  I just know that God is faithful.  I do want to be happy, joyful, energetic, and positive like I used to be.  That is the person that God designed me to be.  I think I could be of more use to God’s kingdom being an optimist than a curmudgeon.  I don’t exactly know how everything will work out, but I know it will work out for good.  I’m looking forward to seeing what that will look like.  

I do have two things that made me very happy today.  On Wednesdays I get to see my youngest and take her to an acting class that I teach at.  I also get to drive my middle daughter to an appointment.  I get an extra 30 minutes with her in the car.  That’s enough emotional and psychological fuel to fill my tank for a week.  On top of that, when I was dropping off one daughter and picking up the other, my oldest came out to greet me just to give me a hug and say hello.  OK, so maybe a few things happened to me to cause this elation.  I’ll take it however I can get it.  If that wasn’t enough to be positive, I get the girls this weekend then for a huge chunk of time during the Christmas break.  There is a lot to explain my hope and why I’m joyful.  

But bottom line is that God is faithful as long as I’m doing my part by living a righteous life.  I plan on continuing on that path.  I’m including an advertisement for our Funniest Person contest featuring my daughter.  This makes me smile every time I look at it.  If you are reading this and are in the Raleigh Area, come by Lune Spark in Holly Springs for free pizza, sodas, snacks and laughs.