The Good Life?

 I think the realization hit me sometime this weekend. I believe it was Saturday night specifically as I went for a late workout.  It might not seem like a big deal in the overall scheme of things but considering where I was for most of this past year it is significant to me.  I realized, I like my life.   Does that mean I’m over the loss of my family or miss them any less?  Absolutely not.  But considering how I’ve given myself over to my faith and am just focusing on what I can control, I would say I have it pretty good right now.  Could it be better with someone to love me and for me to love someone?  Another absolute yes. Life can always be better and it can always be worse. The key is finding the contentment in the present.  I’ve come to grips with this season and I am supposed to be alone right now.  I still pray desperately for my family.  I know I am supposed to wait on God.  I know I’m supposed to learn to wholly rely upon Him, but while I do that, I can enjoy it at least I can try to enjoy it.  While I might not be happy or 100% content, day by day the peace and joy in my life continues to grow.  I will have bad moments.  I will have moments where I grieve my losses.  I will have moments I wish I could make it all go away and start anew.  I am learning how to deal with those moments in constructive ways.  I cannot control my situation.  I can only control how I respond to my situation.  Taking a 10,000 foot view, I’m headed in the right direction. 

Now this change in perspective did not happen overnight.  As I’ve been chronicling in this blog I’ve had to make a conscious effort to change my perception of things.  I hate self-pity because it’s a trap that is hard to climb out of.  Nor do I want people to feel sorry for me.  It’s hard to have hope or be optimistic if you are feeling sorry for yourself.  Nothing really has changed in my circumstances except for my perception.  The shift had little to do with what I am doing, rather it is wholly based on God’s promises.  With each passing day I’m starting to believe in His promises more and more.  I’m devoting myself to much more prayer and praise/worship.  It is starting to pay dividends with increased levels of peace which begets increased levels of hope which begets increased joy.  I’m starting to become more optimistic about my future despite my circumstances.  I’m not looking at my present rather than the future and how God will arrange and direct my steps.  I don’t know where I’ll be living in the next year, five or 10 or who will be around.  But I do know that whatever it may look like I fully intend for my life to be continued to be filled with hope.  It sucks that I screwed up my life so I had to experience it but at least I did respond in this season in the correct way.  I hope and pray that I continue to do so.  To be clear, my prayers have not been answered yet.  But my faith is that God knows better than I do what is best for me.  I am not used to having this much freedom and flexibility.  But I am starting to embrace it.  Albeit, I trade it all away in heartbeat for my family again.  But for now, this is not so bad.  In fact it’s kind of fun.  But check in with me tomorrow I might be going through another wave of grief as those moments are unpredictable.  But for today, I’m alone, but not lonely.