I have to admit it's getting better..

 Each passing day gets a little bit better.  I’m not exactly sure what is going on with my mental state.  Maybe it’s the adage that Time heals all wounds or I’m just acclimating to the new life of mostly solitude.  The important thing for my mental health/sanity is to not look back and long or expect for yesterday to return.  Instead I have to continually tell myself to look forward and hope for better days in the future.  If this is the absolute worst that life can be right now, this is manageable.  Seriously there were times back in 2007 after my first divorce where I convinced myself that I would never be happy again. I really believed that utter despair was my new normal.   Not only was I happy after that, but those years were the most joyous moments of life.  That is really saying something because I’ve had an awesome and joy filled life.  In fact I feel as I’ve lived enough happy moments to fill up four lifetimes.  Because I went through the darkness the light seemed much more refreshing.  I have to believe that the same thing will happen once again.  There will be life, laughter and love just like the postcard promised.  I think I will appreciate it more this time around because of how much I wallowed in the past couple of years.  Now if I had a magic wand to wish all of this away and restore my life to what it used to be, I’d do it in less than a nanosecond.  Just because I’m enjoying my life at the moment doesn’t mean I miss my family.  Instead it’s embracing what I can control and how I respond to things. Right now I’m living off the fuel of faith, acceptance and trust and that has been very fulfilling the past week.  

Today was an overall positive day.  Yet there were still moments of grief that hit me that really depressed me. We had two consecutive snow days where I’ve been alone most of the time.  I’m trying to arrange my schedule to avoid these exact types of situation where I’m home alone.    The grief comes in waves.  Fortunately for me the waves are becoming smaller and smaller.  I anticipate that pretty soon those waves of grief will be merely ripples of grief before the waves become completely calm.  The calm water are when the true peace comes in.  I’m reminded of the verse in Philippians 4 where Paul says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  What that verse actually means is that Paul has learned to be content with a lot of money and as equally content with not a lot of money.  I think that’s what God is trying to teach me in this season of life.  While I long to love and to be loved again,  I have to learn to be content being alone, reliant wholly on him.  That’s what this past week taught me.  I have a lot of freedom and the ability to be extremely flexible.  It feels as if I’m college again able to make up my schedule on my terms.  It feels a bit irresponsible since I’ve focused the last 30 years of my life putting my families needs ahead of my own (at least that was my goal).  I have to remind myself that I’m not being irresponsible.  I work at least two jobs sometimes 3 happily putting in about 50-60 hours a week.  I also am quick to drop everything in case my girls need me.  I didn’t do that at first but I am doing it now.  Then I still have my pipe dreams of being a screenwriter as I’m putting the finishing touches on one of the greatest screenplays I’ve ever written.  Writing it is easy, it’s the selling part that is hard.  Whenever I feel like i have too much free time, I have to remind myself to finish my rewrite.  I would love to be a writer again as the Lord has laid that on my heart.  But I’ve been wanting to do that for years.  For now, I am trying to be the best father, teacher, son, friend that I can be.  

The Lord has taught me a lot about myself and my attachment style amongst other things during this period of separation that I am in.  I also learned a lot from the mistakes I’ve made.  I’ve taken aggressive steps to try and not repeat my transgressions.  What I’ve learned this week is really important.  When Jesus was asked what is the greatest commandment He replied: “ “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38This is the first and greatest commandment.39And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

Now what a lot of people miss about that verse is you are supposed to Love yourself.  That doesn’t mean be egotistical or prideful, rather to have a healthy self-esteem because you were made in the image of God.  It’s been really difficult this past year for me to like myself let alone love myself.  But for the past week that’s what I’m re-learning to do.  I’m not there yet, I have a long way to go.  I know God is faithful.  And for the first time in a long time I can honestly say I’m excited about my future.  

I usually like to end on a good quote but my little sister did something really beautiful and nice for me today.  She sent me a gift and wanted to facetime me when I opened it.  As soon as I opened it, I recognized it instantly.  She had a quilt made of some of my late father’s old shirts.  I can still picture him in almost all of them.  It was one of the most beautiful and thoughtful gifts I’ve ever received.  Thank you Kristen, I love you.  (Kristen reads everyday).