Rick's Lament

 I should have seen this coming.  I tried to prepare myself even.  But today I’m just so discouraged.  Perhaps its because I had such a wonderful weekend.  I mean it was a spectacular weekend with my girls coming on the heels of feeling hopeful and optimistic that my life may have finally turned around.  I remember an old sermon from TD Jakes that I heard exhorting, “Don’t let your highs get too high or your lows get too low.”  I leaned into my highs because it just felt so good being a kind of family this weekend.  Now I’m facing the consequence of the emotional bounce back the opposite way.  Maybe I should work on not letting my lows get too low again.  

Nothing consequential happened to me today either way.  Maybe its simply because I miss my girls.  Their absence reminds me that I’m alone without a full time family. If you do have a family, cherish them.  I thought I was doing that but apparently I was doing it the wrong way.   I miss the security of having a spouse, a companion, a teammate, a partner.  I miss the comfort of waking up next to someone besides my dog.  I miss seeing that genuine smile.  I know that this separation is due in large part to my indiscretions but how much heartache can one guy take?   I’m being an open book which may or may not be a good thing.  I think since I humbly boasted about the positivity of last week I also need to bemoan the reality of the present.  I know that God is faithful in the long run, I just have to survive the day.  

 Maybe this is a test I’m going through?  I know there will be a time for joy and a time for sadness.  I’m in that space right now.  I thank the Lord that I have a savior. I don’t see how people go through this pain with God/higherpower.   I know in my head that this anguish that I’m going through at this moment is temporary.  It won’t last.  But boy does it hurt right now.  I’m determined not to self-medicate or make it worse.  I’ve been doing a lot of crying out to God last night and today.  I tried to take my mind of it by busying myself.  But I still had to come home to a very cold, lonely townhouse with no dog.  I know there are people out there that have it worse than I do right now.  I am not writing this to elicit any sympathy.  I’m just baring my soul for the good days and the bad days.  It’s kind of the opposite of social media where you only see the bliss.  I think I’ve been spending too much time on social media as well.  It’s not particularly healthy for me right now.  It’s a mix of what used to be and what may be in the future.  I need to train my brain to live in the moment and just endure.  It probably doesn’t help that I’m in the book of Jeremiah in my daily Bible reading plan. This got me curious.  Chat GPT, a useful tool for somethings lists the most depressing books of the Bible.  1. Ecclesiastes, 2. Lamentations, 3. Jeremiah, 4. Job.  I feel bad for Jeremiah the prophet.  He seemingly lived a hard life.  He’s raining God’s judgement through prophecy on these people they must have hated him for that.  There is a reason he was considered the “Weeping Prophet.”   Here’s what Chat GPT had to say about Jeremiah:  

The book spans decades of warnings, rejection, betrayal, and national collapse.

• Unlike Lamentations, its sorrow is drawn out and relentless, rather than tightly focused.

• Unlike Ecclesiastes, it is not philosophically despairing, but emotionally and historically devastating.

I know Jeremiah ends on a positive note I’m just not there yet.  Jeremiah 29:11 rebounds with “I know the plans I have for you says the Lord.  Plans of peace and not of evil to give you a future and a hope.  I’m clinging on with all my might to that last part.  

I think maybe I’m a bit tired too and that is affecting my mental health.  I took a late Amazon shift last night that kept me out until 11p.  That’s probably not the wisest but I wanted to fill my day with activity.  It’s also not like I’m falling away from my faith either.  In fact, I’m doubling down on it.  Paul exhorts us to pray never ceasing.  I try to do that at all times mainly praying under my breath at school, and then conversing with God when I’m home or in the car.  I think I seemingly have prayed over ever type of scenario I’m facing/have faced/will face in this lifetime. It doesnt feel like I’m ever truly alone because I’m praying so much.  I just miss the TLC/tenderness of a companion right now.    I wonder sometimes if God gets tired of me crying out to him.  Intellectually I know He doesn’t.  But right now I don’t feel it.  When I’m at a loss what to pray next, my Go to strategy is Praise and Worship.  I just try to sing knowing that tomorrow most likely will be a better day.  Praise usually precedes the answer.  I know that I know that I know, that I will get through this.  In the meantime…This sucks.  I’ve said that before.  I’ve also seen it rebound before as well.  I just have to be patient and wait on the Lord.  “Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up like wings on Eagles they shall walk and not faint.”  I think that is what that verse is Isaiah says.  At least I’m close.  So I will continue to wait on the Lord.  It’s not like I have a choice but I’ll make the best of it.  I’m certain tomorrow will be a better day.