reflections on rock bottom #2

I know I’ve posted this before, but I feel somewhat compelled to post again since I am essentially going through similar circumstances but by mindset has completely changed. Ive had about three lowest of the low rock bottom experiences in my life and this is a story of rock bottom #2. I can’t feel too sorry for myself, because it might have been traumatic for me, but I’m sure the loss of one of my children or close family members would be much much worse. We all have are levels of grief of pain, but this is a story of my tragedy. Im not writing this to talk about X or make her look bad. Instead she’s a character in my life that had molded and shaped me. This is more about my choices, perceptions, and reality. I don’t want to make her look bad. I have forgiven her, in fact I pray for her most every day. More than any other person in the world in fact. So bitterness is not intended with this. I don’t want to pick a fight.

That said, the second rock bottom I visited was after I got back from Saudi Arabia in 2005. I think the point Im trying to illustrate that the problems in my marriage were my fault as well. I certainly contributed. You sometimes get your sense of self-esteem from your spouse, especially in a dysfunctional relationship. By that point my happy (in my mind) marriage had turned sour. So towards the end of my marriage and at that point in my career, X stopped believing in me and thus I stopped believing in myself. That was my main problem. I should have gotten my identity from God. I had really deified X, she became almost like an idol to me. That had me really messed up. I think it is possible to love too much, especially what that love supercedes your love for God. That was all on me. That’s why emotionally it hurt soooo bad.

Its really hard to go be aggressive and get work when you are insecure and don't believe in yourself. There was this one time, I was really really really low, probably the second lowest point of my life. I had just gotten back from Saudi Arabia. I was trying to find work in Houston, and couldn't. Hurricane Katrina refugees were all over, and everyone was preparing and evacuating for Hurricane Rita. I couldn't find a job. I was panicking because I felt I had to prove myself as a provider and had a very limited time frame in which to do it. I didn't know anyone in Houston. So I remember going to a grocery store, trying to get a job a baggage handler, here I was 37 years old (at the time) with a Master's degree...I couldn't get a minimum wage paying job that teenagers get. So I went home..broken...I asked for a hug... She says..."Your parents don't believe in you, your friends Chris and Wendy don't believe in you, Your sisters don't believe in you, and I don't believe in you." With that she got up But that was the start of the rebuilding process. I knew I had to get my sense of esteem and worth from God, the way that it is designed to be. I was no longer getting my sense of esteem from my spouse the way I had been. It was great when she believed in my dreams, but when she stopped it was devastating. You know…its no wonder I struggled in my career since I didn’t believe in myself. Behind every great man there is an even greater woman that believes in him. I didn’t have that. So I renewed myself and my esteem through God and no one else. It also helped that I started going to Joel Osteen’s Lakewood, the king of believing and claiming your authority in the Creator. So since the divorce, and my 100% reliance on God, my career has been very very stable. In fact the last three jobs I’ve lost, (I’ve lost a lot of jobs in my career) I’ve had new and better jobs within 24 hours. I hadn’t been looking even prior to that. I know I must be doing something right.

So as Im at a point of transition. I have to rely upon God’s faithfulness as he has navigated me through rough waters before. My belief in myself through Christ who lives in me is off the charts. So looking back at God’s past faithfulness yesterday gives me loads of faith for tomorrow. I gave my notice to vacate my flat…by faith…and the place where I thought I was going to live might not happen now. Am I worried? Not really. It is kind of exciting for me to see how God will move this time.

So my message to anyone who will listen is to get your identity through Christ. It will fill you with so much faith and confidence. All things work together for good for those who believe and are called according to His purpose. The secret is to continue to be called according to His purpose which means living your life right. That is what Im riding now, and that is why Im putting myself out there…by faith to show God’s faithfulness. Im still very excited about the future. Im sorry if this has been cryptic…I’ll share the details when I feel at peace to do so.

God is faithful. I channeled my pain correctly and God is honoring me for it. Its funny...i had to go halfway around the world and now Im closer to my dreams in Hollywood than ever....