Be the change you want to see in the world

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi said that. I adhered to that principle today. I was really feeling sorry for myself. Normally Im pretty positive and loving life but every once in awhile I crash. Thankfully this crash usually only lasts one to two days. Maybe its my emotional time of the month. So I cried out to God. “I don’t like this God, its not very fair. Why aren’t you doing all the things that you said you would do for me faster.” I know the verse in Isaiah, “Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.” You know I’ve been claiming that verse for years now, Im tired of waiting. I expressed all of this to God this morning and throughout the day. I guess you could say Im going through my emotional/spiritual time of the month. I know that God is faithful, I know I will emerge from this funk soon. So this isn’t a sign of rebellion or rejection of God. I just believe that when we are hurting we need to cry out to God. I rejoice when things are going well, and now Im crying out because Im running out of gas. My situation has not changed, instead my attitude/POV is really being challenged. Maybe Im under spiritual attack. Tis the season for people to be depressed. I think the enemy uses the opportunity of the holidays to oppress people that are separated from their families. Well Im feeling oppressed. I just have to put my head down and keep charging. I know things will turn. If I step back and look objectively at my life, I still believe Im one of the most blessed and fortunate guys on the planet. All I have to do is look at the day laborers that I see everyday, I must see hundreds in a day passing to and fro to work. Their jobs are grueling 12 hour days. They make probably 1/20 of what I make and they are away from their families for years at a time. Im not gloating, Im trying to convey that I should never complain about anything. Professionally, Im great, its emotionally Im having the problems. I was away from my kids last Christmas and that was tough. But last year, I had just arrived and the feelings of newness, and the adventure made me numb to the emotional impact the distance from my family was having on me. But this year is a little different. It hurts more. Perhaps it hurts because I know my boys need me. I know they miss me. I kind of think my daughter misses me too, though she’s not going to show nor admit it. I know that God has a plan for me being here. I know it is his will. But still, Im missing out on some magical years. I wouldn’t be away from my children if I wasn’t divorced, but I had to adapt when X made all those changes. I truly believe that part of God’s plan for me being here, other than reaching the lost for Christ, is to provide more stability and harmony for my kids. If I was closer I think there would be a lot more fighting. So I just have to trust God on this one that he knows what he’s doing. My friend the music man grew up in a similar situation. He was subject to a lot of parental alienation from his mother towards his Dad. Eventually he saw the truth and now he has a great relationship and understanding about his dad, It just took 20 years to happen. I think the Music man is in my life to give me hope that the kids will eventually see the truth and come around. I dread the thought of having to wait 20 years for it happen, but at least it will happen. I had a good talk with Khalifa yesterday. His ex-wife the mother of his children comes to Bahrain two-three times a year. She even came by our staff Christmas party yesterday. He greeted her with a kiss on the cheek and a warm embrace. They laugh and joke together, and even sat next to each other at dinner. Their divorce was amazingly contentious from what Tanya tells me. But he tried to make the best of it for the children’s sake. Now they get along very well. I remarked to him yesterday about it. He said, she is my best friend, and it shows. They will never be married again, as Khalifa is married to someone else. But for the sake of the children they get along now. What’s frustrating for me, is they figured out how to do that and they aren’t even Christians. How do two supposed Christians like myself and X act like this and we have faith/religion on our side. I wish we could talk to each other, but Im rebuffed in my attempts. I pray that someday we will be able to be amicable again. I pray that most everyday. The bitterness and animosity only destroys and it harms the kids. I do love X still, even though she remarried and I always will love her. I think that is the case with most divorced people. I think there is always a level of love deep down inside though many are loathe to admit it. I know I’ll love again, and probably soon, just a hunch. Even when I do get remarried, my prayer will still be to have an amicable relationship with X because that is what will be in the best interest of the children.

I think of FDR’s line, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” So with Christmas tomorrow, Im afraid of being afraid of being lonely. I know it doesn’t make sense, but I’m building it up way to much in my mind. Since God is not a god of fear or anger, I know these anxieties are coming from the enemy. So Im going to have to face it head on like I did this morning. In the midst of my cry out to God. I lifted my head to the heaven and said “God I don’t like this one bit. But please give me the grance and strength to endure this season in my life.”

So rather than be alone, I called two of my closest friends and invited them over for a Christmas Eve dinner. We had a Ham Steak I had frozen from Costco. So I heated that up and the Iraqi brought Mashed Potatoes and Corn from Chili’s. So we had our own Bachelor type Christmas Eve dinner. I would have wanted someone to invite me over to their house for dinner, but rather than wallow, I decided to be the change. The ham was excellent, even being frozen and the fellowship was great too. Afterwards we watched a movie together and just had a very non-traditional Christmas Eve night. All three of us were separated from our families so for one night we became each other’s families. I think that is the Golden rule in action, Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That is a very proactive verse, and I need to be proactive. I still do miss my kids, and Im anxious to get out from the season of solitude that Im in. I know I will get out someday, hopefully soon. The verse in Psalms, I think Psalms 92, is that God holds all your tears in a bottle. I think each tear of pain that I shed will come back as a thousand moments of joy. I’ll get through this, and I’ll be fine. If I think about it, 95% of my life Im on top of the world. I just happen to be going through the 5% at the moment. This too shall pass.