Not doing a bit of good

It didn’t hit me until about five minutes ago…the jetlag that is. I must be getting better at acclimating. I think the key is to just stay up even when you are exhausted. So Im pretty tired right now, and if I just hang on for another 30 minutes, I think I’ll be ok. The trick is, not to wake up in the middle of the night then be awake for the next three hours.

I had an interesting realization…actually I had realized this before, but sometimes I need to remind myself. Whenever I go on a vacation, I get out of routine. When I say out of routine I mean out of my devotional walk. Thus my spiritual strength and energy is a little bit sapped. So when the attacks/problems come Im more susceptible. It was a tough week for me emotionally with my children and all the drama that has been noted in this blog. Because I didn’t have my spiritual guard up, this hurt a little bit more emotionally than at other times. Most of the times, the emotional effects bounce off me like bullets off of superman. But since my shield was down, they stung a bit more than usual. Thus I fought back a little. I was certainly justified in fighting back, I reasoned. But as I did fight back I kept thinking…I don’t deserve this, I should be treated better, I am right, I am justified…I, I, I. All of those statements are true in my heart. But maybe that is why Paul exhorts us to deny ourselves and take up the cross. It doesn’t matter in the long run, if Im right, or if Im justified. Who really cares? By engaging I only tended to intensify the conflict. Thus I may have put my children at even more risk. Its not like the other party is going to say…Hey you know what, we never thought of that from that perspective before, we see your point of view now, you are right. The minute that happens Frost will start to form on the outer gates of Hades with the forecasters calling for a blizzard watch. So if I know Im not going to convince anyone, why do I even bother engaging? I think the answer is because of my flesh. I felt I was wronged and somebody should have to pay. I think wanting vengeance is human nature. But retribution doesn’t work that way. It only makes things worse. Im trying to take ownership of my role in this conflict. My situation with the divorce sucks, and it probably will suck for the rest of my life. But how I respond, regardless if I’m wrong or right, is the key thing. If I respond emotionally, I lose the peace I have with God. When the peace go, so goes my joy and my anger rises to the “How dare they…section.” But again what does the aggression do besides intensify the conflict.

I want the kids to be happy. I even want X and new hubby to be happy. Because I know if there is joy in that house that will provide the best environment for the children. If there was more joy perhaps we could be less litigious and the children would win. I can’t control how they act. But I can control my responses. For the past week the responses have not been something of which I’ve been especially proud. I’ll work on it…as I get back into my devotional routine.