Addictions

I am an addict. But let me clarify before your imaginations run wild. I have a very addictive personality. So its easy for me to get hooked on certain things. Most notable was a negative addiction to pornography in the late 90’s which I have chronicled here. That was my Achilles heal, read was. So now that I know my personality I know what to be cautious of. I avoid drinking, drugs, and gambling because I think I could easily be ensnared. So what am I addicted to now?…the Internet. No…not the adult internet just the regular information access. I think its my link to home or my security blanket. I came back to my flat tonight and there was no internet. I didn’t know what to do with myself. It was kind of funny because it was just so sad. I didn’t know how to properly function. Im not on the net all the time, I just want to know its there, then I can do my other things. But without having access to it, I felt like I was in a fog or going in circles. I know it seems stupid, but I don’t watch TV. So you try going a day without TV or the internet and maybe you can empathize.

I don’t think having an addictive personality is all negative. I have learned that I can be addicted to very healthy things. Like my devotional walk, exercise routine, excellence in work, this blog, and other healthy things. So I learned to channel all the negative possibilities into positives. Its working for me now. I just have to careful and self-aware. Ah…that’s a major key to life. Being self-aware. So many people in their lives choose not be self-aware, they are either purposefully choosing to live in denial, are genuinely deceived, or a little of both. When Im not living my life right, I don’t like looking in the mirror because I don’t like the person that is looking back at me. But more often than not, it forces me to be honest with myself and if there is something wrong it forces me to be self-aware and fix it. Its so hard to be honest with yourself sometimes. Its so much easier to blame other people or circumstances for your problems. Its damaging when you have friends that agree with you blaming other people for your problems because that just cements it in your own head. That is how people become self-unaware, delusional. That is a very dangerous place to be. I value the friends that tell me like it is. A true friend does that, but its difficult to hear. In fact it downright sucks. But that is a friend that will stick closer to you than a brother. Friends can influence you positively or negatively so fast.

I went out to lunch today with the Pastor of my church. I really like him, he’s a great guy. But one particular person on the board doesn’t like Joel Osteen’s message. I know that Joel has his critics, many within the church, but since I went to his church I could justify Joel’s methodology. But not according to this one person. We had a discussion/debate and apparently I lost. The church no longer wants to endorse my small group. Really it’s a moot point, because only one person from the church goes to my group. The pastor even acknowledged that this person seems a lot happier since she’s attended. In the year I’ve done the small group, I’ve had about 50 different people come and go. Some stay for a several weeks, some a few, some just one, but 5-8 consistently come week in and week out. Im planting seeds through the ministry of Osteen and its up to Holy Spirit to harvest those seeds. I’ve personally seen about 10 people rededicate their life to the Lord, and about another 15 strengthen their walk with God. The others, the agnostics, Muslims, Hindus, have a new understanding and appreciation for Christianity and who knows when and how those seeds planted will harvest. So even though I think this small group is having a great impact, the members of the board decided it didn’t fall in line with their theology/methodology. To say I disagree is a understatement. But you know what? It doesn’t really matter. God called me to do this with or without a church’s endorsement. I’ll continue to provide dinner and a video of encouragement to whomever might want to come. I don’t have to be in a church bulletin to validate me. As I left the very nice lunch today, I didn’t get upset, discouraged, or disheartened. Its just confirmation to me…that a lot of changes are in the air.

I’ll have to post this tomorrow because….no internet. Im also addicted to Diet Coke.