A nocturnal life

It has been a very strange day/night. I took two naps yesterday which was a very bad idea. Normally Im so busy during the work week I only get about 4-5 hours sleep a night. So If I can take long naps on Friday, that recharges me for the week. Well it didn’t work this time. I guess Im not completely over my jetlag as of yet and those two naps kind of flared it up. So there I was up until 5 am. A little frustrating. But I think God is trying to do something with me this weekend, like Im in some sort of test or awakening period. I spent virtually the entire weekend alone. I’m trying to embrace my alone time without being lonely. God is really speaking to me heavily through this process. Im trying to absolutely content in Him. So I finally went to sleep at about 5 am and woke up at 1:30 pm…What!!!! My day was gone before I knew it. I was planning on going to the museum to do some research but that was out. I was kind of groggy all day because of over-sleep. Im trying to muster through it so tonight hopefully will be a normal night.

There is a Fuddrucker’s that just opened up around the corner from my flat. The other employees at the other stores already know me. This place is going to get to know me very well. Im such a creature of habit. Fuddrucker’s was my favorite restaurant even in the U.S. now its around the corner. Im not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.

After lunch I took the Kayak out again. The water was really really rough today. So that means twice the effort for the same distance. But Im there for the workout and Im pooped. Im also there for my communion time with God. It’s like Im paddling out to my prayer closet. It’s a really nice routine. As we were talking He impressed upon me that my communicating with God speaking and listening is something that He desires for all His children. Yet so many people don’t know how to do it. Its like having a Christmas/Birthday present right in front of you and not opening it because you don’t know how to untie the bow. I think one of my callings is to help people hear the word of God more clearly in their lives. You see God’s voice sounds a lot like your voice since he lives inside of you. Many people discount this as being their conscience but its really God’s voice no matter what you call it. God is constantly speaking to us, we just don’t give that still small voice enough credit. Now I’ve been listening for awhile now, and since im attune, that still small voice is actually a booming voice. That is why its so easy for me to have conversations with God. But if you want to hear God more clearly, all you have to do is go to a quiet place, wait…and be quiet. It sounds simple right? But with the day to day activities of busyness, how many of us can schedule wait and be quiet? I think that is one of the reasons why the enemy tries to keep us so busy. It takes discipline, discipline that can be developed. Many people don’t have that discipline that is why that God uses me to speak into their lives…to cut to the chase…so to speak. It happened again yesterday with a girl I was chatting with.

So Im spending another night alone. Im trying to be content with it. I don’t have that best friend here that I can call up and say, hey lets go hang out. I think that makes me kind of a loner here which is contrary to my personality. Im getting into another TV series…this time its “Heroes” which was recommended to me. Not quite as good as LOST, but it helps pass the time when Im by myself. Boy…I didn’t mean to sound quite as pathetic as that was made out to be. I just think Im in a period of mourning the loss of my family again. When Im with my boys Im reminded how life used to be. I think Im one of those rare cases that was very happily married (I was) who’s rug was pulled out from underneath him. Im coming to grips this weekend with everything I did that must have propelled X towards the divorce. Im constantly trying to be self-aware so I don’t repeat the mistakes. I have forgiven her completely and Im trying to forgive myself for my mistakes. But forgiveness is a process not just a choice. And the more shenanigans she pulls with the kids now means I have to continually forgive her. I was told again by someone this morning that the same thing happened with her parents when she was little. She eventually grew older and more mature and embraced her father. The same thing will happen with me, Im certain. I just wish it would happen next year not 10 years from now.

I read in “The Fire of Delayed Answers” (God really speaks to me through that book) that people are more open to receive from someone that shared their pain. So I think that is why Im being so upfront with emotions, loneliness, struggles and regrets. Perhaps it opens up a door or encourages others. If so, that brings me comfort. I know that scores of people have been brought into my life since the divorce where I’ve been able to encourage. I think my career path will soon take the trajectory to broadcast that message from an interpersonal level to wide level. I think this is the preparation period.