Transparency

I think all the excitement of the month is catching up to me and reality is sinking in as I settle into a routine. Life in Bahrain is very surreal for me. Its like Im living in a dream world, or living in a reality television show. I don’t really feel like what I do is work, especially last night at the Improv contest. Im so fulfilled with my work, especially when I help people achieve their maximum potential. Life seems almost like Shangrila or Utopia most of the time. The pains and loneliness of the past three years are gone with my fresh start….mostly. Im somewhat insulated from my past here and I think that’s the case with many people that move here. They are escaping something. I guess Im the same way…escaping the memories of the past that haunt me. I don’t think that it is necessarily an unhealthy thing either. Driving around Los Angeles and the Texas I was reminded of the family I used to have. Those brought up some pretty painful memories of loss. I don’t have those memories here, but I must have taken them back with me on the plane. That’s what I get for walking away from my spiritual discipline. My guard was down and I was wounded. So I have to keep focusing on what I have here and not reminded what I don’t have there.

I need to learn to be emotionally consistent. In not letting my highs get too high or lows get too low. Because I was feeling down yesterday, I let the euphoria of a great show/accomplishment fuel my esteem and emotions. So what goes up must come down, so I’m a little down today. Part of the problem was something that happened that has rarely happened over the past year. I felt lonely. Now this is a relatively foreign emotion to me. There have been scores of time where I have been alone but not lonely. Last night after a great great night I crawled in bed and bemoaned the fact that there was no one there beside me. No one I could talk about with how great the night was. No one to share my dreams and fears with. Even today, the residual is with me. Oh I know the whose footsteps poem, as Im walking with one set of footprints in the sand. But tonight its 7:30 and Im still at the office. Im doing some work, but there really is no where else to go. Im stalling until 9 so I can go see a movie. But its sad that I don’t have anyone to go out with. Oh…I could find some acquaintances and tag along with them, but that’s not my style.

Im not baring my soul to have you feel sorry for me. But I’ve always been transparent with this blog and tonight is no different. Im a normal Christian guy that goes through real struggles from time to time. Hopefully by my pain and detailing of my mistakes you might be able to learn and avoid the pitfalls that I’ve fallen into. If you are married…I’ll say this again…stay married. Never ever ever get divorced.

I know God is doing a work in me. He’s trying to teach me something in the waiting process. I just wish that he would hurry up. Now im in a curious position because in many aspects Im choosing to be alone. So a lot of what Im saying might seem self-contradictory. I could be in a committed relationship very quickly either here in Bahrain or abroad. Im not really into dating right now so that adds to the problem. I wouldn’t say I go on dates anymore instead they are more like auditions. Would I want to spend the rest of my life with this person? That eliminates a lot of first dates quickly. Im also so darn picky wanting God’s absolute best for my life. I will not settle. Some of the girls that I’ve been interested in, weren’t that interested in me…that fair….that’s karma I think. So what God has been telling me over and over is that he does care about my emotional life and he indeed has someone perfect picked out for me. I just have to wait on him. He has been so faithful in other aspects there’s no reason why he won’t continue to be faithful here too. So I’m off to see a movie…(alone) but Im cool with that for the moment.