A sour note

I have so many thoughts running through my head right now. It’s going to be difficult to be really coherent with them. But since when has coherency really been a priority with me and the blog. Im sitting the Dubai airport right now in the executive lounge. This place is massive sprawling with space. There are about 12 food stations (all free) stretched out over 500 yards or so. There is wireless, couches, beds, business centers, about 6 bars, a teen and a kid area, xbox PS3, a masseuse, showers, if you can think of it, its probably here. Its truly luxurious. I have about six hours to spend here so the luxury part is nice. They have outlet towers for all types of electrical outlets 110-220…so im connected and wireless. I just got out of the shower. They were pretty nice showers too. There was an Indian attendant there helping me. They are so enthusiastic to help westerners. Partially because we have money, and partially because we are a bit like celebrities to them. So he gave me my towel, sandals, toothpaste. He was very anxious to help. He even waited for me after my shower to see if I needed anything else. He did give me a pair of socks. So I gave him 1 BD (about $2.50) and he was thrilled about it. That goes a long ways to where they come from.

I feel pretty blessed overall. Im very fortunate. I tell people all the time that Im just reaping the rewards of Deuteronomy 28. Its nothing I really did on my own, but God is rewarding my faithfulness. It feels pretty good too. I have sowed for so many years, now Im reaping the benefits.

Now for the past two weeks, I’ve been on vacation and its been wonderful. But I’ve also been on vacation physically (didn’t bring my kayak) and spiritually. I fell out of my devotional routine. I think that is ok every once in awhile but it does leave you vulnerable to spiritual attacks as your guard is no longer up. You see its easy to have peace and joy when things are going well. But the key is to maintain that peace and joy when things are not going well. For the most part the storms of the past four years now have affected me, but they haven’t stolen my peace for the most part. It doesn’t make sense. But when you are right with God, your house could be burning down (emotionally) and you could be dry and safe inside. I guess that is the metaphor of Shadrack, Meshak, and Abendego as they said it was cool in the furnace after Nebuchadnezzar had thrown them in the inferno. People would ask me how I was doing, and I would say…it doesn’t make sense…but Im doing very very well. Im not happy…but I do have my joy. That happened to me over and over and over the past four years. I did not want the divorce and fought with everything I could to keep it together, and then after hoped and prayed for a reconciliation until X and new hubby got married. Now…Im just praying and believing for reconciliation with my children (especially my daughter). That will come Im certain…but im hoping for their sake it will be sooner rather than later.

So I was a little off on my game spiritually as I had not spiritually exercised. Then whack…it happened again. X got all angry about something Im not too comfortable sharing in this forum. It affected me more emotionally than it normally does. Here I had a great two week trip with my boys and they have to deflect everything good that happened and focus on the negative. The thing is, I brought it to her attention because I thought she should know about it..and now its being turned against me.

Its amazing how much hatred they have towards me. X and new hubby read this blog everyday after vowing they wouldn’t. I think they are looking for material to get angry about. I guess once you start blaming other people for all the problems you have in your life you get trapped. Its very hard to look in the mirror and “own” your mistakes or be self-accountable or self-aware. It’s painful sometimes but I’ve learned to do it most everyday. It gets easier and easier the more that you do do it. Im sure as X and new hubby read this, they are becoming incensed and thinking what legal action they can take against me. If you don’t like what you are reading…stop reading…or just get up and walk out of the movie if you see something you don’t like.

Because of the nature of this blog, I have asked my children to stop reading it. But whenever X sees something that works to her advantage she has the kids read it. That is part of the alienation process. It’s the three week rule…they have to keep drumming up conflict to get angry about. As soon as the embers of their fury flame nearly dissipate, they concoct kerosene to dump on the inferno. I ask myself why, and I can’t really come up with an explanation. In their mind they are doing it to protect the children, but you know what, after two days of detoxing (from parental alienation) we got along splendidly. I have a real bond with my boys that I don’t think can be broken. But like my pastor at Lakewood said, as long as they live in that house…they have to take that side. I understand that…its called survival for their sake. Its sad, I wish I could protect them but the legal system isn’t set up for me to do that.

So Im a little down today emotionally. I miss my boys. I pray they could live with me…or even visit me over here someday. We had a great two week trip that ended on sour note. It’s sad…but at the end of the day, I can look in the mirror and be at peace with person looking back at me. Isn’t that what is ultimately important in our spiritual lives?