Believing in Yourself

Whoa, you talk about your lazy introverted days, I just had a doozy. Slept in til 11:30, emailed chatted, went to lunch. The only thing I really did today of note, was go on a super long kayak ride in the heat of the day. It was longer than I’ve ever gone before, about 90 min. and at the end I was knackered. The water was really tough today, so It felt like I was in a battle, both to stay straight and not get thrown off course…oh what a metaphor for life. It got me to thinking of my own life and my successes and failures.

I touched on this earlier in the blog around November I believe, but now that I have more readers I believe that is bears repeating. I have made several mistakes in my marriage. One of the big ones is that I got my sense of esteem from my wife. When I was a “hero” that was good. But when she stopped believing in me…not so good. I remember the second lowest day of my life, it was about three years ago now. I had just returned from Saudi Arabia, and the hurricanes had just hit. Houston was an absolute mess. To save my marriage I had about six weeks to change careers, establish contacts and make over $100,000 a year. Well…it wasn’t going so well for me. I had been unemployed for about four weeks after returning home. I had to get a job fast, I was desperate. So I went to the management at Kroger, and essentially begged for a minimum wage position of being a bagger. I talked to the manager, and she called somebody on her phone. I could tell she was uncomfortable with my desperation. But I was trying to do something to prove to X that I could take care of the family (little did I know that X had checked out months earlier). So the Kroger manager called her supervisor, and said “someone more mature (me) wanted a job as a bagger. They passed me off and gave it to some 15 year old. I was broken, devastated and incredibly scared. Never had my esteem bottomed out like that moment. So I limped home, and saw X. We were still married and she hadn’t filed. I told her about everything. I just asked for a hug, I needed someone. She looked at me…and said “I don’t believe in you. Your parents don’t believe in you. Your friends don’t believe in you. ---- and ----- don’t believe in you. With that she turned and walked out the door. I can’t remember but I think I went into a fetal position and just tried to cling to God. It brings chills just remembering that moment again. I never ever want to be in that place again. Those words haunted me for months. There is life and death power in words so be careful what you say.

So I soon got a job working for a staging company making $12 an hour working about 12-14 hours a day for six days often times seven. It kept me so busy, I didn’t have time to feel sorry for myself nor realize I was alone. That was the beginning of the rebuild of my character. It is often said, that behind every great man there is an even greater woman. Well, I didn’t have that support, that someone who believed in me for really the last five years of marriage. Is it any wonder why I struggled professionally? If I was getting my esteem from my spouse, and thereby didn’t even believe in myself, how is anyone else going to believe in me. So I slowly started to see myself as how God saw me. That was the amazing thing about Lakewood. Their whole philosophy of personal and spiritual development was perfect for a guy like me. So I started to see myself as how God saw me. Success followed. I went from one job upgrade to the other. Because I believed in myself because of God in me, others soon followed suit. I was a child of the King and I had to keep telling myself that over and over again. That led to promotion after promotion. I don’t have a wife that believes in me at the moment. But because I stepped out in faith, not only do I have God believing in me, my family believing in me, scores of friends and colleagues believing in me, but I believe it myself. I have to remind myself because things are getting pretty grim financially at the company. I just had no idea that the Summer would have virtually no business. I should have prepared better. Im sure in the long run we’ll be fine. We will weather this storm. I know God wouldn’t have brought me this far to fail. I have to remind myself how God was with me when I was making $12/hour and he’s with me now. So if any of you can relate to me, and I know many of you do. Just receive your sense of esteem from above, like I’m doing now. But still you’re prayers are coveted. Im sure the enemy has his designs to stop what Im doing. But I’ve become pretty perseverant over the past few years. Pain will do that to you. No pain no gain. But finally I learned how you can have peace in the midst of the pain and growth. I have survived, by the Grace of God.