perspective

Weekend are the hardest for me. I think I busy myself enough in the week with the routine to keep from remembering that Im alone. I do have a great life out here, but the reality is that I go to sleep alone and I wake up alone. I don’t get how people that are called to a life of being single can do it. I know I’m not going to be alone forever. In fact God has already given me a date in my head, but it’s the waiting that is the hard part. I just want to learn what I’m supposed to learn so He’d hurry up already.

Last night was a strange experience. There were about 15 people over, all my very good friends and cast members. There were lots of laughs (they were comedians) and everyone had a great time. They stayed for three-four hours. I was glad to be a host. These people that were here were good friends that really hold me in high regard as I hold them in high regard. So I do have plenty of friends here. But that accentuated what I don’t have. I don’t have the intimacy, that I crave. That is where the lonely part comes in.

So it was really bothering me late last night. I kept dwelling on it this morning. I started getting angry. Angry at the betrayal and loss in my own marriage. I certainly was feeling sorry for myself as I rewound the tape in my head and started to become engrossed in loneliness and bitterness. Then I remembered that forgiveness is not just a choice, it’s a process. I will be forgiving X for the rest of my life, as I hope she will be forgiving me for my misdeeds. So I had to do what Joel Osteen advocates…instead of dwelling on the negative…change the channel. So I had to put the feelings of loss out of my head. So I headed to church. I cried out to God. The service wasn’t all that great, neither was the worship, but God spoke to me. I approached my good friend…whom I haven’t seen in about two months. My church attendance has been spotty (no wonder Im feeling sorry for myself). Now, I mentioned my friend by name before, but in this case we’ll call him Mr. Dallas. Mr. Dallas is of course from Texas. He, like me, went through a painful divorce years ago. There have been many years of healing in his life, and I believe he recovered. So Mr. Dallas got engaged right before I met him 9 months ago. So everytime we would get together he would tell me of the counseling and wedding preparations. His fiancé lived in Dallas and was planning to fly out to live here in Bahrain with him. He visited back in June, and got the wedding bands, engagement photos, wedding invitations, just the finishing touches. The wedding was scheduled in Oct. I was very happy and a little bit envious for him. So when I saw him today, I mentioned about D-day being two months away. He said…wow…I really haven’t seen you in awhile. Just as soon as he got back to Bahrain, his fiancée called him and called the whole thing off…everything. My heart just broke for him. I could feel his pain in a very powerful and empathetic way. I just can’t imagine how difficult this whole process must be for him. I know if I was in his situation it would absolutely devastate me. To be so hurt..then to have that hope rise up again to have it dashed at seemingly the last moment. Im not sure how I would have been able to handle that. So maybe God is protecting me. It helped me put everything in perspective. How dare I feel sorry for myself when my brother is going through something so excruciating. I felt very foolish and selfish. That’s what God does to help us. Sometimes we feel like its too much to bear, someone is brought into our life to help remind us that we really don’t have it that bad. Seeing and empathizing with the pain of Mr. Dallas showed me that today. Now that I know he’s hurting, I can spring into action. Instead of praying for my own loneliness…I can now pray for Mr. Dallas. While Bahrain is a wonderful place, it is bereft of strong Christian women that happen to be single, that happen to be in our age range, that happen to be hot. Well they are hot (it’s the middle east everyone is hot)..just not in the way that Mr. Dallas and I would like them to be.

After church I connected with probably my best friend over here in the Middle East. I haven’t seen the Iraqi, since he moved back to Saudi. He’s miserable in Saudi, and he and his wife are planning on moving back to Bahrain as soon as they find a tenant in the flat in which they live. We had brunch at the Ritz Carlton hotel. This is one of the best brunches in the entire world as the Ritz Carlton hotel is supposed to be one of the nicest hotels in the entire world. So it was great food with a great friend. Im excited about him moving back. It will be nice to have another pal around.